The Pain (part 2 of my hip replacement) ...including more graphic images *this is your warning*

When we last were together, I was comfortably ensconced in my private hospital room awaiting my Pain. Up until this point I had jokingly referred to this as my version of a spa retreat...no kids, getting to lie about, have food and drink served to me, opiates...

My surgery was not done under general anesthesia. I had a spinal block, which wore off slowly, ostensibly to allow a gradual introduction to Pain and a timely drug-related intervention.

Around 8:55 p.m., I began to sense some tingly pain-like inklings in my leg. As I had decided to listen to all advices and get the meds early and regularly DESPITE THE CONSTIPATION FACTOR and FORGOING POSSIBILITY FOR THE MED-FREE GOLD STAR, I buzzed the nurse to bring my first go-round with synthetic heroin. MMMMMmmmmmmm....

"Hi! I think I'm starting to feel Pain. I'd like my pain medication now please :)"

"Okay! She'll be right there :)" yes...there were smiley faces in the tones of voice.

At 9:10 p.m., no smiley face had arrived with my medication and the pain-like inkling had been correct and had bloomed into a giant fucking bright-red chrysanthemum of Pain. So I buzzed again...

"Hi...so...yeah...ummmmm...Pain is here. Could I please get some pain medication...now?" *whimper*

"Oh! Okay :) She'll be right there!" she could still smile because she wasn't sitting with Pain.

By 9:30 I was a caged, desperate animal caught in the jaws of PAIN. I was seriously ready to yank the IV shit out of my arm and somehow drag my sorry, post-op ass down the hall in search of "she" who had yet to arrive with my GODDAMNED HEROIN. But the whole falling thing kind of scared me so I tried buzzing again...

"HEY! SO IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS NOW! IS SOMEONE COMING? OR IS IT A LIE? BECAUSE I AM REALLY IN SOME SERIOUS FUCKING PAIN NOW AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO WAIT. YOU GUYS ALL KEPT TELLING ME TO STAY ON TOP OF THE PAIN OR IT'S REALLY HARD TO GET RID OF. WELL, I FUCKING TRIED THAT AND NOW I AM REALLY FUCKING HURTING. SO WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHEN IS THE HEROIN LADY COMING???? AND DON'T LIE TO ME!" I really said all of this and I really did say it in all caps...meaning I was shouting. Loudly.

"Oooo...oh...she's...ummmm...on her way right now. For real. You were right to ask for the medication earlier. She's coming now." that's right...no more fucking smiles. I felt so badly. I had just ruined everyone's night :(

The nurse came bustling in, totally apologetic and almost in tears. She gushed profusely about how horribly she felt and that I had every right to be super upset and she had been detained by a very needy patient that she couldn't just bail on...Of course I started crying and apologizing for being such a bitch. I liked it that she shushed me and then squirted the dilaudid into my IV thing.

As the pain melted away, it filled my stomach with nastiness. I threw up.

Then they gave me anti-nausea medication and all was right with the world again.

Every pain med dose was accompanied by vomiting and anti-nausea meds. It wasn't as much fun as it sounds.

The thing that made it even less fun was the constipation that accompanied the pain meds. By Thursday night, things were really bad. We had even transitioned from IV pain meds to pills, thinking that might help. Nope. They had even been giving me stool softeners since I had arrived. Nope. As I've mentioned previously, my system is 'sensitive' and I had not taken a shit since Saturday. We tried Miralax. Nope.

The nurse asked me if I wanted to try prune juice. Fuck it, I thought.

"Bring out the big guns," I told her.

Suffering the indignities of suppositories and enemas made NO difference. By the next morning, I was desperate. Seriously...what's left???? So I did the prune juice and the Phillips Milk of Magnesia. That took the edge off. Barely. *spoiler alert* I'm still constipated...almost TWO WEEKS LATER.

Part of the need to get me properly medicated wasn't just for "lolling about" comfort. They wanted me up and walking within 24 hours of surgery. THAT was fun. Getting out of the bed was the worst of it. For some reason, the shifting caused a white-hot nerve pain on the whole front of my thigh. If you watched the video linked in my last post, you'll see why...they retracted a nerve and it gets really pissed when you do that. This was scream-like-a-skewered-human pain. And it stuck around for a few minutes. Once I was up from the bed, I was good. But that Thigh of Fire made it really hard.

My first few walks were from my bed, out of my room and about 15 feet down the hall and back. I was also given three bed exercises – ankle pumps (alternate flexing and pointing your feet), thigh squeezes (tighten your quads) and glute squeezes. Believe it or not, it was all exhausting.

Needless to say, I am now 2 weeks post-surgery and things are a little better. I no longer take narcotic pain meds...just ibuprofen. I'll give more details on the rehab soon, but I have almost graduated from my walker to my cane.

And my 10.5-cm incision is healing nicely...

Day 3

Day 14

And the best thing? My kids' Spring Break is almost over. Yes, I've had kids crawling all over me since I got home from the hospital. And yes, it's about as restful and healing as you are imagining. And I wonder why I'm constipated.

Blood and gore and drugs... (AKA part one of my hip replacement) *warning: some images not suitable for squeamish people...but they're in the second half

I'm now one full week post-op.

It hasn't been all roses and sunshine, but I'm very glad I had it done.

I checked into the hospital on Tuesday, April 1st at a little after 2 pm for an OR time of 5 pm.

Yay for clear labeling!

I had nothing to eat or drink starting at midnight the night before so I was hungry and dehydrated, which is always a winning combination. I was stoked on adrenaline, though, and it carried me through...for a while.

I used the bathroom...sadly, I only peed. Nervousness has a way of constipating me and so Saturday was the last time I had relieved my bowels. I followed this post and its comments and its follow-up fervently hoping for an answer to my problem, but to no avail :( Project ShitStorm was a covert op and I clearly did not know the password or have clearance.

I put on the gown and the pretty hairnet. They took my vitals and wrote on my hip to make sure they did the correct one. They asked me how I was doing. I told them I was kind of scared. I was actually covering. I was scared shitless (not literally...unfortunately). They smiled and said I was in the BEST hands and that it was going to be a really good thing and not to worry. I ignored that part of me that remembered that they're paid to say that.

R – right hip
THA – total hip anterior
RK – surgeon's initials

They started up an IV and hooked up a spinal block...no general anesthesia for this procedure. They got me high and asked me how I was doing. I laughed and said, "Great!" And then they wheeled me into the OR. The jovial atmosphere felt almost like a party. It all seemed to happen so fast. Drugs have a way of altering perspective and the passage of time.

I remember being in the OR and hearing soft music...Reggae. Among other things, I mentioned that I liked Reggae music. One person remarked, "You talk too much!" Yes, I was overly chatty...drugs and nervousness, but they then cranked the music and I was out.

I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 6:13. I was in recovery. I was hungry and thirsty and COLD. My teeth were chattering uncontrollably. My lower body was totally numb. I kept looking at my feet and laughing because in my mind I was making my toes move, but in reality they were going nowhere. I amused myself with this game for a bit.

The nurses were really nice and laughed at all my drug-induced musings. They packed my wounded leg in ice. I looked down at the surgical site.

All clean and pretty. And covered up.

Then my husband showed up to say "hi" before heading home to the kids who were with my mom. He showed me the photos of my femoral head.

This is the sawed-off end.
Note: big, juicy bone spur.

This is the eroded, contact end.
Note: complete absence of cartilage on the articular surface.
Note also: scraggly bone spur.

The articular surface was also flattened and just yucky. They said the joint was beyond done. How did I run 2 half-marathons and 2 distance relays with this? It's kind of blowing my mind.

I stabilized quickly and they took me to my private room, where they gave me some strawberries. And I just waited. Waited for the spinal block to wear off. Waited for the next phase.

Waited for Pain.

I contemplated writing the whole experience in one shot, but I'm really tired and physically uncomfortable so I have to check out now. If you want to know more before my next installment, consider following me on Instagram. My drug-addled, pain-exhausted body can handle posting little one-shot wonders there with regularity.

If you want to see what they did to me, here's a well-edited clip with excellent narration of someone performing a total hip replacement anterior approach. It's graphic and not for the squeamish. I found it fascinating and enlightening. It really put things in perspective for me.