October 8, 2014

I'm just the driver.

It's a good thing I like the driver's seat, because I get to do it again in 10 days.

Last time it was on roads for 30+ hours and right near my house. This time it'll be ON WATER for about an hour (19 minutes of racing) and across the country.

I'm in dark blue in this picture.
Next week I'll be in a slightly different position but in the same role.
And the rowers will be female, and there will only be 4 of them.

I'm very excited and a bit anxious. I haven't done this since 1998. It's a big race with lots of competitors and many twists and turns along the course. Those oars stick out pretty far, and the boats are pretty fucking long. I was quite moved when, out of the blue, an old teammate phoned me to ask if I'd be interested. Without hesitation I said, "yes." Then I reminded her (and myself) that it's been a long time since I was in a boat and also that I'm a little bigger than I used to be. I promised I'd get skinnier, but she said not to worry about it. So I didn't. But now I kind of am. 

The last time I tried a crazy weight loss plan intentionally was about 20 years ago. I lost 20 lbs in 8 weeks. I ate Honeycomb cereal and jelly beans for carbs and cottage cheese and gummy worms for protein and ran about 40 miles a week. The results were frightening-looking and I'm glad there are no pictures. 

Unfortunately, I only have 10 days and can't eat Honeycomb OR cottage cheese OR run at this point in time. 

I need a really awesomely psycho weight loss plan. But it needs to involve eating because fasting is not my forte. Any ideas? I'm sure there are some blogs out there that might guide me. Leave a link in the comments if you know a good one. I'm looking to lose as much as possible as fast as possible without getting sick or comatose. Maintaining mental clarity is a plus. 

In addition to being bigger than I used to be, I am also more accustomed to being in that sitting-upright-in-the-stern position. For this race, my friends have secured a super fast, expensive, fancy boat wherein the coxswain is LYING DOWN in the bow. WithOUT pillows. 

It's going to be fun.

What's the most stressful thing you've ever done in the name of FUN?

What's the weirdest weight-loss plan you've ever followed...or tried to follow? 


  1. Does Ebola make you lose weight?I know it has a 10-11 day turn around. I would just make everyone else fatter instead of loosing weight myself. That, or buy pants that are a size too big and get the team to watch 'Ananconda' to get all amped up for the event.
    The weirdest weight loss plan I tried to follow is to eat lots of coconut cream. I was so sure I read on Instagram, in a #hashtag, that it was good for me. Much like Bacon is good for me it would seem. It was not good for me, and it is not a good fat. But it is also delicious.
    I hope my advice is helpful! :D

    1. Maybe amoebic dysentery? I don't want to make everyone else deathly ill. And I could probably still eat bacon.

  2. I don't think you need to look far to find ridiculous weight-loss plans on blogs. Let's start with red pepper flakes and apple cider vinegar and then move onto Quest bars and Arctic Zero. The possibilities are endless!

    1. I could probably drink red pepper flake and apple cider vinegar smoothies. Or maybe not.

  3. Hey, quick edit suggestion. Your tagline on the top should say "a satiric" instead of "an satiric". Thx!

    1. THANK YOU! I love it that you pay attention to details. Edit made :)

  4. Hey Milf Runner! I suggest tapeworm. You can eat tons of shit and not get fat.

    I'm back running! I finally got my pansy butt back on a TM a few weeks ago, epi pen in hand. It took a while to get over the fear of being suffocated to death by my own airway. But I'm over it now. I find it hilarious that you were the driver for Jen's ragnar team, since I was creeping her blog for hours last night reading about MAF training. That's what I'm doing. Starting nice and slow and building a base.

  5. Extreme liposuction? More expensive than a tapeworm but the results would be quicker.

  6. I've done the jellybean/cottage cheese diet before, lol! Right now I'm only eating raw fruit and vegetables during the day and then lots of rice or pasta with a salad for dinner and dried fruit for dessert. I'm eating a giant amount of calories but funny enough-I've lost about 8lbs pretty quick. Just keeping fat low. But seriously I'm eating like 3000 cals. Good luck whatever you try to do, dieting usually sucks.

  7. I tried to stop drinking Beer and wine for a week... That didn't work!

    But for you I would go with the banting diet:


    good luck

  8. Um, this sounds intense all around. And I can't remember what is and isn't allowed on your diet!!


Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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