May 1, 2014

I have way more important things to do now.

In case you're a new reader, which isn't likely [unless you've landed here from the "prostitutki" referring URL which is a new one for me...thanks, Ukraine...don't hurry back], I had a hip replacement


this is what it looked like a couple of days ago and, as I've said before...
follow me on Instagram and you'd see this shit when it's hot off the press.
I told you about my issues with pain management and failure to eliminate solid waste last time I posted...two long weeks ago while my kids were still on Spring Break. I had every intention of keeping all of you valued readers informed of the minutiae that goes into rehabbing from this sort of surgery once my kids were out of the house and off my case, but as a parting gift, my son handed me a book

and said, "I think you'll like this, mom."

I was all, "Ugh. This is so fucking trendy. No way."

Then he and my husband started watching the back-episodes on some online website and they were constantly talking about it. I felt so left out :(

However, I didn't want to intrude upon their father-son bonding over murder, bared breasts, wanton sex, despicable human behaviors, etc. by plopping myself down on the couch with them (which would have been really disruptive with the walker and 4 ice bags and my glass of tea and fourteen pillows and fuzzy blanket...) though it was mighty tempting. So instead I cracked the book.

12 days and 3000 pages later...

So yeah...what day is it? All I know is that I'm in the middle of Book 4 and I have to hide my phone so I don't text my son at school all day to exclaim and expound on what in the FUCK is going on. And I can't talk to my husband about it because I'm waaaayyyyyy ahead of him...and, well, he has to work.

I figure I'll be done with the existing books by the end of next week (my son has warned me that Book 4 is kind of slow and annoying and I'm easily influenced) and then I can start on the shows. I hope to finish it ALL before I'm capable of returning to life as a normal person with a fully functioning hip that doesn't hurt all the time. Because once that happens, I'll have


which will be such a total drag in some ways but totally super awesome in others.

Catching you up to speed on rehab:

  • I can now put on my own shoes and socks and TIE THEM!!!! That happened yesterday. I laced up my #hokas for my 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. You can see #proof on IG.
  • I have been cleared to drive!!!! Only short distances and not in rush hour traffic yet. That also happened yesterday. #InstagrammedIt
  • I have no pain and take no pain meds. I guess I should clarify... when I overdo it (walk around the neighborhood for 30-minutes twice in the same day or drive to Target and Trader Joe's in the same afternoon and walk around those places for a couple of hours because that's how long it takes me to do it after 4 weeks of shopping-deprivation or water the garden and do laundry which involves going up and down a bunch of stairs several times) it gets sore and achy. Sore because certain muscles are activating for the first time since 2000 and achy because of the metal rod that goes several inches down into my femur. 
  • I walk around the house mostly without any assistive device, but when I start limping or getting tired I need my cane. The walker has been officially retired :)
  • I shaved my legs. This was very tricky and had I had a different hip replacement approach, I still wouldn't be able to do it. #solucky and if you don't believe me, you should check ^^^^ (see above)
  • I now have 15 exercises that I do 3+ times a day, in addition to going for my walks and walking up and down the stairs. I've been cleared for the recumbent bike with little or no resistance. THAT will be exciting.
But not as exciting as my book. So if you'll excuse me...

I contemplated filling a post with Game of Thrones spoilers just because I can. But I didn't. #merciful


  1. I haven't been pulled into the book series yet, but I feel my resolves is crumbling. I'm generally not a fan of such "trendy" series. How very hipster of me!

    Glad to hear the rehab is going so well!

    1. I avoid "trend" like the plague. I was ambushed.

  2. Being able to tie my own shoes was one of the best things ever. Also, putting on my own pants. I really enjoyed that. But the best part was getting the point of being able to take my own shower and dry off and dress myself with no help. I had a loofah on a stick, but no towel on a stick #wetlegs

    I'm impressed you're not on any pain meds. I'm not allowed to stop taking shittons of Motrin every 6 hours, but it does help with all the kid screaming, so who can complain? I'm already a rebel because I don't take my Valium during the day. I can't even imagine what mayhem I'd allow my kids to create if I did, it would be MADNESS. Like a wedding at the Frey's level of madness.

    1. For about a week and a half I couldn't lift my foot high enough off the ground to get into the stall I didn't. I made my husband dry my lower legs and feet off, which was really interesting because he didn't realize that some people (like me) dry in between their toes.

      I think I need to see that scene on screen. But I'll bet it doesn't come close to the amazingness I've created in my imagination. And as I've walked by while my son and husband are watching, I've been really annoyed with some of the casting. I love armchair quarterbacking television shows and screen adaptations.

  3. I will not succumb to the GOT. Will. Not. Dammit I missed some IG juice. Going to catch up now.

    1. I felt similarly. But it was like the minivan and the hip replacement ...resistresistRESISTRESIST...cave...OMG HOW DID I LIVE WITHOUT THIS?????

  4. Hey,

    Long time reader but first time comment...

    Take the small victories! I came off my bike 5 weeks ago and now have some temp metal work in my shoulder...not asking my 7 year old to tie my laces for me was a huge victory!!

    I watched "The Red Wedding" episode and HAD to get the books so am halfway through the second with the series on record in the background...being off work certainly helped with the progress through the book!

    1. Thanks for letting your presence be known :) Hope you heal quickly and are back in the saddle soon!!!

  5. You are totally owning this hip replacement recovery! Tying your shoes, shaving your legs and driving the car all without pain - that's huge!!

    1. Next up...RECUMBENT BIKE, BITCHES!!!!

      Thanks :)

  6. Wow that looks quite scary. It that the new look for MILFS?!

  7. The proactiveness you have makes my nurse heart smile...get it!

  8. You need to combine the reading and recumbent bike time. I'm really glad to hear you are making such progress--it IS progress and that's what counts. And you're back to being ridiculously funny, which means something too. Cheers to moving forward!


Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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