May 6, 2014

How to celebrate. (aka Shameless Birthday Pimp/Attention Whore Post)

I have a history of doing crazy shit for my birthday. I'm just a nut like that. #getfreaky

When I turned 30, I convinced about a dozen of my grad school and rowing buddies to play hooky and accompany me to Six Flags in New Jersey. We went on rides and ate nasty corndogs and cotton candy and made a recording of The Troggs Wild Thing. I still have the cassette somewhere. #goodtimes

As a 40-year old, I opted for a fitness-themed bash...back-to-back Bikram yoga classes because who wouldn't want to spend three hours in a sweaty, stinky room getting flexible and dehydrated? #namastemutherfuckers #wheresthegoddamnednuun

My 50th was heralded in with my very first camping trip as the adult in charge. It was just me and the kids. All by myself I figured out how to build a fire (because you can't just throw matches at some wood and paper) and how to cook without a stove (jamming hot dogs onto a stick and holding them in the flames works FINE even though my husband totally rolled his eyes when I told him this plan). Because we were totally not in the actual wilderness, we went out for ice cream when it got too hot. #roughingit #mountainmama

For my birthday this year, now that I'm a fitness blogger, I was going to run my age in miles for charity like all the cool kids, but I didn't have my shit together because I just had my hip replaced.

So then I thought I'd just run my age in miles withOUT the charity part but since I just HAD MY HIP REPLACED I thought running that many miles would be excessive so I switched to maybe doing it in kilometers. (those are shorter, right?)

After hearing about this plan, my husband bitch-slapped me upside the head, hoping to knock some sense into me.

It worked. Because while I often don't notice pain enough to safeguard my own health, my family is very important to me.

I decided to incorporate important #mommyrunningbloggy elements into my rehab regimen and scale the exertion level back to something a bit more realistic but still stretching myself to give it a challenge and prove that I am the healthiest bitch around. My age in minutes of walking sounded #EPIC.

To celebrate like a #goodblogger, one must #SPARKLE!

Nothing says "IT'S TIME TO PAR-TAYYYYY!!!"
in a hooker schoolgirl way quite like a teamsparkle skirt
(tips: soft-focus helps reduce the appearance of cellulite and
an #asspic always helps boost pageviews)

The more glitz, the better...#pileonthebracelets!

I put a roadID bracelet on each side just in case I got Jaime Lannistered.
O FUCK!!! THAT WAS A SPOILER! #iamsuchabitch
I packed my gluten-free fueling in a ziploc baggie to stuff into my Handheld Bra. (you want to click that one)

I like that these have no sugar.
When I ingest calories I always feel so heavy and bloated.
With these, I can just suck on them and feel refreshed.
I stashed Nuun bottles around the neighborhood.

more #sugarfree!!!
#hydratemutherfuckers!!!!

Fully prepped for the #birthdaybloggy experience, I started off...

up the hill about a quarter-mile
to the turnaround.

O my God. I was so undertrained for this event.

This was almost twice as long as my normal 30-minute walks have been.

Not only was I undertrained, but I had not brought adequate fuel. I needed to find something fast or I was going to bonk really hard. I was doing my best to #bebrave and #badass, but once I hit the turnaround and headed down the hill I kept my eyes open for anything that might serve...

BATMAN!!!
Did I luck out or WHAT???
I have never been so happy that people were not picking up after their dogs :)
Actually top right is a squished snail and bottom left is a weird seed pod,
but the rest...bonafide #shitfood #FTW

With adequate fuel, I got a second wind and felt #invincible!


As I powered up the street, now hydrated and fueled properly and sparkling like the sparkliest dumpy housewife in town,


I said to myself as I very awkwardly photographed my #hokas, what this post really needs is a...


#CLEAVAGESELFIE!!!!
You're welcome.



Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

#proof that age is just a number.

What I lack in maturity, I make up for in enthusiasm and doggedly annoying determination.



When is YOUR birthday? Do you share a birthday with someone famous?
– George Clooney and I share our special day. We were trying to plan a joint party, but our publicists nixed the idea. 

18 comments:

  1. Wow. Never have I seen a collage of dog turds, but you've managed to make it happen. #congrats!

    (Oh, and happy birthday too!!!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some people call me a #visionary. Others chalk it up to #creativegenius. I can't believe you didn't mention my #boobs.

      Delete
    2. Well, I'm sorry to say that this oversight (i.e., dog turds>>>boobs) is probably the deepest insight into my psyche that you'll ever obtain. #congratsagain #soashamed #freudianslip

      Delete
  2. That is totally epic! Especially the #shitsnacks. No I mean the #boobies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you mean #EPIC. And I know...with all the epicness, it's hard to choose a favorite.

      Delete
  3. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
    Happy birthday too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just let out the loudest laughs ever. I haven't even fully digested the boob or poop shot yet because I can't get over "I like how these have no sugar." #Fueling

    ReplyDelete
  5. Replies
    1. EVERY day is "happy boobday" :)

      Thanks!

      Delete
  6. There is no way you are 50+, let alone 40+, so I guess that you are the type of girl that celebrates her birthday twice a year...

    great shot of your cleavage, I pleased you had fun with your birthday, long may it last!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am totally over 50. I've discovered the Fountain of Youth and have a secret portrait in my attic.

      Delete
  7. Where can I buy the gluten-free, sugar-free snacks in a ziploc bag? I couldn't find the affiliate link :(

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just so you know, your ass is better than my 30-year old ass. I want it. Also, gnarly hip scar. Pretty, pretty hot. Happy belated!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This may actually be my favorite post ever. Freaking hilarious! Way to have a good sense of fun about both the surgery and birthdays!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love the super cool sparkly skirt! Happy belated birthday, looks like it was a blast!

    ReplyDelete
  11. shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit you had a way better burpday than I did! xx

    ReplyDelete

Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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