May 6, 2014

How to celebrate. (aka Shameless Birthday Pimp/Attention Whore Post)

I have a history of doing crazy shit for my birthday. I'm just a nut like that. #getfreaky

When I turned 30, I convinced about a dozen of my grad school and rowing buddies to play hooky and accompany me to Six Flags in New Jersey. We went on rides and ate nasty corndogs and cotton candy and made a recording of The Troggs Wild Thing. I still have the cassette somewhere. #goodtimes

As a 40-year old, I opted for a fitness-themed bash...back-to-back Bikram yoga classes because who wouldn't want to spend three hours in a sweaty, stinky room getting flexible and dehydrated? #namastemutherfuckers #wheresthegoddamnednuun

My 50th was heralded in with my very first camping trip as the adult in charge. It was just me and the kids. All by myself I figured out how to build a fire (because you can't just throw matches at some wood and paper) and how to cook without a stove (jamming hot dogs onto a stick and holding them in the flames works FINE even though my husband totally rolled his eyes when I told him this plan). Because we were totally not in the actual wilderness, we went out for ice cream when it got too hot. #roughingit #mountainmama

For my birthday this year, now that I'm a fitness blogger, I was going to run my age in miles for charity like all the cool kids, but I didn't have my shit together because I just had my hip replaced.

So then I thought I'd just run my age in miles withOUT the charity part but since I just HAD MY HIP REPLACED I thought running that many miles would be excessive so I switched to maybe doing it in kilometers. (those are shorter, right?)

After hearing about this plan, my husband bitch-slapped me upside the head, hoping to knock some sense into me.

It worked. Because while I often don't notice pain enough to safeguard my own health, my family is very important to me.

I decided to incorporate important #mommyrunningbloggy elements into my rehab regimen and scale the exertion level back to something a bit more realistic but still stretching myself to give it a challenge and prove that I am the healthiest bitch around. My age in minutes of walking sounded #EPIC.

To celebrate like a #goodblogger, one must #SPARKLE!

Nothing says "IT'S TIME TO PAR-TAYYYYY!!!"
in a hooker schoolgirl way quite like a teamsparkle skirt
(tips: soft-focus helps reduce the appearance of cellulite and
an #asspic always helps boost pageviews)

The more glitz, the better...#pileonthebracelets!

I put a roadID bracelet on each side just in case I got Jaime Lannistered.
O FUCK!!! THAT WAS A SPOILER! #iamsuchabitch
I packed my gluten-free fueling in a ziploc baggie to stuff into my Handheld Bra. (you want to click that one)

I like that these have no sugar.
When I ingest calories I always feel so heavy and bloated.
With these, I can just suck on them and feel refreshed.
I stashed Nuun bottles around the neighborhood.

more #sugarfree!!!

Fully prepped for the #birthdaybloggy experience, I started off...

up the hill about a quarter-mile
to the turnaround.

O my God. I was so undertrained for this event.

This was almost twice as long as my normal 30-minute walks have been.

Not only was I undertrained, but I had not brought adequate fuel. I needed to find something fast or I was going to bonk really hard. I was doing my best to #bebrave and #badass, but once I hit the turnaround and headed down the hill I kept my eyes open for anything that might serve...

Did I luck out or WHAT???
I have never been so happy that people were not picking up after their dogs :)
Actually top right is a squished snail and bottom left is a weird seed pod,
but the rest...bonafide #shitfood #FTW

With adequate fuel, I got a second wind and felt #invincible!

As I powered up the street, now hydrated and fueled properly and sparkling like the sparkliest dumpy housewife in town,

I said to myself as I very awkwardly photographed my #hokas, what this post really needs is a...

You're welcome.

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

#proof that age is just a number.

What I lack in maturity, I make up for in enthusiasm and doggedly annoying determination.

When is YOUR birthday? Do you share a birthday with someone famous?
– George Clooney and I share our special day. We were trying to plan a joint party, but our publicists nixed the idea. 

May 1, 2014

I have way more important things to do now.

In case you're a new reader, which isn't likely [unless you've landed here from the "prostitutki" referring URL which is a new one for me...thanks, Ukraine...don't hurry back], I had a hip replacement


this is what it looked like a couple of days ago and, as I've said before...
follow me on Instagram and you'd see this shit when it's hot off the press.
I told you about my issues with pain management and failure to eliminate solid waste last time I posted...two long weeks ago while my kids were still on Spring Break. I had every intention of keeping all of you valued readers informed of the minutiae that goes into rehabbing from this sort of surgery once my kids were out of the house and off my case, but as a parting gift, my son handed me a book

and said, "I think you'll like this, mom."

I was all, "Ugh. This is so fucking trendy. No way."

Then he and my husband started watching the back-episodes on some online website and they were constantly talking about it. I felt so left out :(

However, I didn't want to intrude upon their father-son bonding over murder, bared breasts, wanton sex, despicable human behaviors, etc. by plopping myself down on the couch with them (which would have been really disruptive with the walker and 4 ice bags and my glass of tea and fourteen pillows and fuzzy blanket...) though it was mighty tempting. So instead I cracked the book.

12 days and 3000 pages later...

So yeah...what day is it? All I know is that I'm in the middle of Book 4 and I have to hide my phone so I don't text my son at school all day to exclaim and expound on what in the FUCK is going on. And I can't talk to my husband about it because I'm waaaayyyyyy ahead of him...and, well, he has to work.

I figure I'll be done with the existing books by the end of next week (my son has warned me that Book 4 is kind of slow and annoying and I'm easily influenced) and then I can start on the shows. I hope to finish it ALL before I'm capable of returning to life as a normal person with a fully functioning hip that doesn't hurt all the time. Because once that happens, I'll have


which will be such a total drag in some ways but totally super awesome in others.

Catching you up to speed on rehab:

  • I can now put on my own shoes and socks and TIE THEM!!!! That happened yesterday. I laced up my #hokas for my 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. You can see #proof on IG.
  • I have been cleared to drive!!!! Only short distances and not in rush hour traffic yet. That also happened yesterday. #InstagrammedIt
  • I have no pain and take no pain meds. I guess I should clarify... when I overdo it (walk around the neighborhood for 30-minutes twice in the same day or drive to Target and Trader Joe's in the same afternoon and walk around those places for a couple of hours because that's how long it takes me to do it after 4 weeks of shopping-deprivation or water the garden and do laundry which involves going up and down a bunch of stairs several times) it gets sore and achy. Sore because certain muscles are activating for the first time since 2000 and achy because of the metal rod that goes several inches down into my femur. 
  • I walk around the house mostly without any assistive device, but when I start limping or getting tired I need my cane. The walker has been officially retired :)
  • I shaved my legs. This was very tricky and had I had a different hip replacement approach, I still wouldn't be able to do it. #solucky and if you don't believe me, you should check ^^^^ (see above)
  • I now have 15 exercises that I do 3+ times a day, in addition to going for my walks and walking up and down the stairs. I've been cleared for the recumbent bike with little or no resistance. THAT will be exciting.
But not as exciting as my book. So if you'll excuse me...

I contemplated filling a post with Game of Thrones spoilers just because I can. But I didn't. #merciful

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