January 7, 2014

My Goals for 2014...it's going to be EPIC.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I don't "do" resolutions, but I do set goals. My goals last year were pretty selfish. It was so much ME ME ME. Whelp, I needed to get out of that rut, so I donned my purple sparkly skirt and poured myself a tall glass of nuun, kicked back to munch on a QuestBar melted onto a zucchini (I am potato/kabocha-intolerant) and dug deep. Maybe it was the high I got from the synergistic cinnamon/red pepper combo, but I feel like I really found that heart/mind/spirit place that has long been calling to my inner chakra of peace and generosity. This year's goals focus on giving more of myself to you people...the READERS. Because without you all where would I be? Probably paying attention to my family.

Anywhoooooo....

This year's set of goals, like all of life, is a work in progress and I'll add to it as becomes clear in the foramen of my third eye's central cortex. That said, here's what I've got so far...

GOALS, BABY.

1. Run a quintillion bazillion muhjillion miles! On a treadmill. Incline set at 8.18% for easy runs and 4.44% for tempos. While pushing all of my kids in a stroller shopping cart. With a cane.

I'll be the Emz-Posts of the running blog world...but with a cane! It will be EPIC.


2. Post a picture of #shitfood every single mutherfucking day! But not the same shit every day...different shit. EVERY day. How many different ways can you make food look like shit? We shall see!


 

I'll be (VA)RIED(S)HI(T)mama! Got that? Call me VASTmama! It will be EPIC.


3. Get pregnant and keep working out! I was inspired by this post...click HERE. Pregnant, 50, running a quadrizillion miles on a treadmill with a shopping cart full of kids accompanied by my trusty cane. All of which I will document on every social media outlet possible. Starting with a pic of the positive pregnancy test and little baby running shoes next to my own. There have been other pregnant fitness bloggers before but none have been 50 and none have had a cane. My pageviews will skyrocket without the assistance of Ukrainian pornhunters. The world will truly see that I am not only #soblessed but #sobrave and #soinspiring. And endlessly dedicated to my craft. Blogging is my craft.

I'll be like the 4000 other pregnant fitness bloggers...but I'll stand out because I'm 50 and I have a cane. It'll be EPIC.


4. Be a nicer person! Apparently some people had their feelings hurt by some of my posts, so Goal #4 is to show my kinder, gentler side in the blog. I'll take candy-coating lessons in sunshine and roses from my neighborhood golden unicorn whisperer...


O, fuck it. I'm a really nice person already. If you can't laugh at yourself, get a better therapist. It'll be EPIC.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Did YOU make a goals/resolutions post for 2014? Please link it in the comments so I can read it! Thanks :)  that's me working on being nice

28 comments:

  1. I wanna eat some of the #shitfood you post. I should. It should be quite tasty. But as nice as you are (and as awesome as that freakin unicorn outfit is) you don't wanna read my stupid goals. what my goal should have read is stop reading certain people's blogs. the ones where they run a 3 minute kilometre and bitch that is isn't fast enough. I let that shit get to me an sometimes I don't think I am good enough ...oh fatty voice is a huge pain in the ass. I am killing that bitch this year. I will run what I run and just be fuckin happy. THAT should have been my reso-goal.

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  2. I wouldn't take it personally - people are probably upset by your blog because they're fucking starving from so much kabocha! And they're jealous of your shit food because it could potentially be less edible than their shit food. Although who am I kidding, no one's ever going to make anything less edible than that gourd-eating treadmill creature.

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    Replies
    1. LOL. I was actually surprised at the person who was really bent about being mentioned in one of my posts. Anyway, I'm truly never mean-spirited. If someone's seeing it that way, they are seeing it through a crusted-over lens.

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  3. Getting a cane really would take this pregnancy to the next level. Thanks for the idea! STEALING IT!

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    Replies
    1. I recommend the collapsible model...fits perfectly into a diaper bag.

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  4. This is really inspiring, but all the #shitfood in this post made me feel bloated so I'm going to go do 3 sets of 10 burpees and try not to kick my fetus while I'm doing them.

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    1. I'm sorry I stole Kenzie's shit cupcake. *hanging head in #bloggyshame*

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  5. That Cheaper Than Therapy post was the absolute best! Wish I had seen that before posting my 3 trends I want to see end in 2014. BTW, you are totally going against that with your goals. But that's what will make this year #EPIC for you.

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    Replies
    1. Marie is the BEST. That's why SHE got the original Circle Jerk pillow :)

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  6. Ha ha ha! I think only the third pic looks really shitty - better work on that! :P

    No goals/resolutions for me. Barf.

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  7. Perfect. Just so perfect. Please keep 'em coming.

    One thing you forgot though...you should make it a resolution to shill different brands of free shit on your blog and then turn around and sell the shit that you never wore (but promoted as OMGBESTTHINGEVER) in public sites. Email me if you want links :)

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    Replies
    1. I can't shill shit because I have yet to receive any :( Even Chobani has shunned me. They gave it to RoseRunner after she mentioned MY post about it. They are singling me out...they give their shit to EVERYbody :(

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  8. Yeah? Well, I'm going to get pregnant with twins and take up Crossfit and do a juice cleanse while Instagramming the shit out of it...all while in a wheelchair. TOP THAT.

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    Replies
    1. Game ON.

      Though being in a wheelchair takes your badass down a notch...that's like RESTING.

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  9. Replies
    1. WHERE DID YOU SEE THIS???? HOW CAN I GET SOME????

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  10. this series of posts are freaking EPIC.

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    Replies
    1. I tend to agree. I'm laughing so hard reading these comments!

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  11. I'll only be really impressed with your running goals if your shopping trolley has a wonky wheel and it's fully laden. Everyone knows what a bitch those mothers can be to push once you've got a fortnight's worth of groceries in them.
    And as for the pregnancy - I want to see the after shots of you with a six-pack lying on the delivery table. Now that would be awesome!

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    Replies
    1. Didn't you see my video? Speedwork with the multikid cart at Target, baby. But yeah, the wonky wheel would put my awesomeness in a whole new echelon. DOING IT!

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  12. Now it is time for you to share the recipes for all that tantalizing food porn you are sharing with us. You should just make your own cook book, toilet book, and I am sure you even have a coffee table book in you of quips and funny stories.

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  13. Your posts never disappoint.
    My favorites are: poop on a cracker, poop cake, and flamboyant naked unicorn.

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  14. ZOMG #shitfood overload! My resolution is to show more camel toe.

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Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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