January 24, 2014

Choosing the person who will cut into my body and saw a part off and put in something mechanical...

Pursuant to my last post regarding a full hip replacement, here's a little diagram of what they're going to do to me:

I decided I want to "shop around" a little for surgeons...as much as my health plan will accommodate, anyway. I ended up having a semi-terse email exchange with the local hospital's Head of Orthopedics after informing him that I wanted to do this. He kept coming back at me with "what do you want to know?" and "Dr. A and Dr. B do it the exact same way. Dr. C does it this other way. Same number of risks, same percentage of complications." Seriously, back and forth 3 times. Then he said, "Well, if it's a matter of picking who you like better..." as if I were attempting to create some sort of popularity contest.

All I want is the best surgeon for ME. AM I BEING A PRINCESS? Maybe I am, but Twitter assured me that this is an appropriate time to be princess-y. So I sent him the following:
Yes, I suppose I want to meet the different people who might possibly cut my body open with the intention of making it work better. I've spent 14 years trying to make sense of my hip. Being a physically active person is a large part of who I am. And I'm a people person. How I connect with a care provider will make a difference. I want to hear and see each doctor explain his view and role in the procedure. What gets cut? What gets split? How is it reattached? How is it repaired? How does he see it? Why does he do it? Why does he do it that way? How many has he done? This surgery is going to have a MAJOR effect on my life, both short and long term. Who will treat me the most like a person and not just a femoral head to saw off and acetabulum to hollow out, all to be replaced by something...different? And what will he be putting in there? What's its track record? I have faith in all of your technical abilities. It's not about "liking" really. Am I being annoying? Am I wasting your time?

His reply was:
I understand. I'll set up the consultations for you.
I have two consultations early next month and then the surgery will be another 3-4 months after that. It's a long wait, but I think it'll go a lot faster than the last 14 years.

Until then, I'll be trying to get myself in some sort of shape because the better shape you're in, the better time you have with recovery. If you're friends with me on dailymile then you know I've begun that HORRIFIC and humbling process. What's it like to do NOTHING for a year and gain 20 fucking pounds in 6 months and then try to work out again? It is absolutely whine-fest worthy. Get in shape and lose weight...two things I've never worried about before. #woeisme. HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS????

I'm preparing my list of questions for the potential surgeons. One question is: will they video the event on my iPhone for me so I can put it on YouTube and the blog? If they don't have an extra person to hold the phone for the duration of the surgery, would they have someone who could periodically snap some photos at key moments? Like when they reach in the cut-open leg and pop the femoral head out. And when they saw it off. And a pic of the inside of the acetabulum before they ream it out. And then Instagram it for me? I want my people to have live-streaming.

I wonder if they'd let me keep the sawed-off femur head? It might make an excellent paperweight/conversation starter!

Ever keep anything strange from a medical procedure you had done?
–Prior to this, only my wisdom teeth. I didn't even get to see the blebs from my lung surgery, the rotten appendix from my appendectomy or the fallopian tube from my salpingectomy. Such a ripoff. I paid good money to have this shit done and I want to see the fruits of their labor!

January 13, 2014

Well...so much for my goals.

Working in reverse order here are all of my EXCUSES for #FAILING...ALREADY. Here we are, less than two weeks into the fucking year and I have to give up on all of my goals before I've even started...

#4. Being nicer. First of all, I told you to just forget it because I AM nice. And to prove it I asked you all to link your own goals/resolutions posts in the comments. NO ONE DID, MAN. WTF? So forget it for REAL. I'm just going to be my regular nice self without trying or putting myself out AT ALL.

#3. Becoming a pregnant fitness blogger. My husband freaked out when I proposed this one. I even explained to him all about page views and sponsorships and #FREESHIT. He told me ten is enough. But he said that before...back when there were only eight...and I was able to finagle 2 more. I'm thinking I might still be able to work the Cheaper By The Dozen angle, but age is a limiting factor so this one is time-sensitive. I'm not holding my breath.

#2. Different daily shitfood. My whole family has freaked out on me regarding this. I tried making something different for the family than what I myself eat...which I do most of the time anyway due to my EPIC list of food-intolerances...but they could still see it. At first they thought it was funny; now it just grosses them out and they begged me to stop. My family always comes first.

#1. Run more miles than anyone else in the whole wide world...on a treadmill...with a cane! Again, family comes first :) Spending 6 hours a day on the 'mill cuts into quality family time...as well as personal hygiene and eating and sleeping and running a household. And then there's this...

Remember when I told you about my fucked up hip

Here's what it looks like...
my for-real x-ray.
As I crapped out on all of my goals...one by one...fail, fail, fail, fail...I thought to myself:

what CAN I do to make this year EPIC?

how CAN I drive my page views ever upward?

how CAN I inspire my current and future readers?

what sort of INSANE bullshit can I come up with that people will want to follow?

And here's what I came up with:

Get a full hip replacement! 
And RUN on it...against the advice of medical professionals! 

Because EVERYone needs to know this shit.

Have you ever had major surgery?
–this will be my 4th. I've had a pleurectomy and thoracotomy (as part of one cutting-my-body-open event), an appendectomy and a salpingectomy. No lobotomy...yet.

Know anyone who has had a hip replacement? Tell me only the sunshine and roses stories, please! 

How are your goals/resolutions (that you didn't tell me about) going?

How many kids do you have? How many do/did you want?
–we have a blended family of 10 kids...my  husband had 6 before we met and we have 4 together. I always wanted A LOT of kids.

How many siblings do you have? How many did you want?
–I'm an only child. I blame my ignorance for my extreme desire to have many children.

What was the last thing YOU had x-rayed?

January 7, 2014

My Goals for 2014...it's going to be EPIC.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. I don't "do" resolutions, but I do set goals. My goals last year were pretty selfish. It was so much ME ME ME. Whelp, I needed to get out of that rut, so I donned my purple sparkly skirt and poured myself a tall glass of nuun, kicked back to munch on a QuestBar melted onto a zucchini (I am potato/kabocha-intolerant) and dug deep. Maybe it was the high I got from the synergistic cinnamon/red pepper combo, but I feel like I really found that heart/mind/spirit place that has long been calling to my inner chakra of peace and generosity. This year's goals focus on giving more of myself to you people...the READERS. Because without you all where would I be? Probably paying attention to my family.


This year's set of goals, like all of life, is a work in progress and I'll add to it as becomes clear in the foramen of my third eye's central cortex. That said, here's what I've got so far...


1. Run a quintillion bazillion muhjillion miles! On a treadmill. Incline set at 8.18% for easy runs and 4.44% for tempos. While pushing all of my kids in a stroller shopping cart. With a cane.

I'll be the Emz-Posts of the running blog world...but with a cane! It will be EPIC.

2. Post a picture of #shitfood every single mutherfucking day! But not the same shit every day...different shit. EVERY day. How many different ways can you make food look like shit? We shall see!


I'll be (VA)RIED(S)HI(T)mama! Got that? Call me VASTmama! It will be EPIC.

3. Get pregnant and keep working out! I was inspired by this post...click HERE. Pregnant, 50, running a quadrizillion miles on a treadmill with a shopping cart full of kids accompanied by my trusty cane. All of which I will document on every social media outlet possible. Starting with a pic of the positive pregnancy test and little baby running shoes next to my own. There have been other pregnant fitness bloggers before but none have been 50 and none have had a cane. My pageviews will skyrocket without the assistance of Ukrainian pornhunters. The world will truly see that I am not only #soblessed but #sobrave and #soinspiring. And endlessly dedicated to my craft. Blogging is my craft.

I'll be like the 4000 other pregnant fitness bloggers...but I'll stand out because I'm 50 and I have a cane. It'll be EPIC.

4. Be a nicer person! Apparently some people had their feelings hurt by some of my posts, so Goal #4 is to show my kinder, gentler side in the blog. I'll take candy-coating lessons in sunshine and roses from my neighborhood golden unicorn whisperer...

O, fuck it. I'm a really nice person already. If you can't laugh at yourself, get a better therapist. It'll be EPIC.


Did YOU make a goals/resolutions post for 2014? Please link it in the comments so I can read it! Thanks :)  that's me working on being nice

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