December 31, 2013

Only 65 blog posts to recap...but the year had so much more.

It's New Year's Eve and every blogger worth her salt has written or plans to write a year-end retrospective post. Everyone tries to put a special twist on rehashing the same shit they posted day in and day out...calling attention to the highlights mostly with links to the year's posts. Some go all tear-jerker on us and pull out their really depressing lows. It's like a big holiday newsletter, bloggy-style. How can we capitavate our audience and ...


Can I tell you how hard I laughed when the number of those little Instagram year recap slideshow thingies grew exponentially?

Another thing all the bloggers can do that is just like every other blogger!

Like make holiday gift guides.
And share skinny jeans thigh gap photos.
Or develop insane food-intolerances.
And post bikini selfies and ass pics.
Not to mention review ProCompression socks...and other compression socks. EVERYone does that.
Let's not forget that all bloggers like to give shit away and many of us like to get crafty.
And who doesn't LOVE to get FREE SHIT and participate in expensive Disney runs?

As for me, I'm as ready as HRG to meet 2014. Yes, some amazing things happened in this blog and the survival of something near and dear to my heart and finding an amazing new home for my family, but there was so much fucking character-building...

No way am I doing a recap post. Living and learning. Letting it go. Moving on.

Happy New Year!

Oh, shit. That was a recap post, wasn't it? Fuuuuuuckkkkk...

I'm outta here. See you all on the other side.

December 30, 2013

I completely forgot I even had a blog...

...said no blogger ever.

Blahblahblah...BUSY...blahblahblah...holidays...blahblahblah...moving...blahblahblah...hip hurts like the bones are grrrrrrrriiinnnnnnding away on each other...because THEY ARE...blahblahblah...

Grab a drink (or a twelve-pack) because you're in for a long and less-than-enthralling read.

Oh,'s the dreaded "recapping all the boring shit I've been doing for the past three weeks" post! With LOTS of pictures. Your smartphone is going to LOVE this!

Where did we leave off...

Oh, right. The California International Marathon. I wrote my two ancient race reports from back when Man ran with the dinosaurs and the next day went and watched the modern version...with Garmins and tech fabrics and shotbloks. I did wear my circa 1978 puffy down jacket because it was FREEZING. A lot of people complained about the cold. Last year a lot of people complained about the monsoon. Whatever. Running is an outdoor sport. Get over it.

I met up with a few people at that race, some were running and some were watching. No one was eating froyo. #sobummed  I'm doing the #goodblogger thing by name checking the ones I know that I either saw or touched:

Jen @dine_and_dash (Running Tangents)
Tennille @10neil  (Biting Tongue)
Alyssa @DiaryAvgRunner (who killed her blog at some point and didn't even tell me)
Cate @runningcate (Cate's World Kitchen)
Naomi @NJnSF (The Tao of Me)

Pavement Runner @pavementrunner (Pavement Runner)
Jill @runwithjill (Run with Jill) who totally pimped my pic of Jesus and didn't give me any cred...I gave her a minus 5000 #bloggypoints on her scorecard.
Jessica @jessicapatrice
Page @page (Twenty-six and then some)
Courtney @courtpancakes (Pancakes and Postcards)

I'm probably forgetting someone and will, thus, burn in bloghell. Sorry, forgotten runner/spectator person! It was fun and cold. And exciting and cold. And some people set some awesome PRs. Glad I went even though I spent the whole time driving my husband's stickshift pickup truck with no heat in the freezing cold trying to navigate myself using an iPhone. Totally inefficient...and dangerous. Thank God I survived so I could write this boring-ass, completely forgettable recap.

What's next?

The Dickens Christmas Fair.

Every year my oldest daughter performs at this pretty fun event. It's pretty fun for about an hour...then the Dickens schtick gets old. At least for me it does. Lots and lots of cleavage at this fair. All the women who attend in costume seem to really go for the "corset-jacking-my-tits-up-to-my-chin" look. My kids had fun and I took some neat photos.

London in winter...
inside the Cow Palace in San Francisco.
Then we moved.

Moving is a total pain in the ass. Moving with a cane is nearly impossible. Moving exactly one week before Christmas is just plain stupid. But it's been worth it...

My new bedroom and bathroom.
I now live in a McMansion.
Oh, the horror...the horror.
Actually, it's pretty awesome.
New playground two blocks from the house...
right ON the bay...
and the killer TRIPLE BUNK in the girls' room!
Nine-foot ceilings are the bomb.
First thing we did was get a tree and put up
I love Christmas lights.
(I'm totally showing off. But of course, for all you know I really live in a 2-bedroom, janky-ass basement apartment with my parents and 6 siblings in a skeevy part of town...and I'm really a 16-year old, 400-lb. guy who's totally fucking with you).

Two days later...

#JBH2013  aka JingleBellHell.

I couldn't run so I passed out the donuts. I got up really early to support my friends in the cold AGAIN and make sure they had donuts. Because donuts make the world go 'round.

RoseRunner did NOT win. Showing up 30 minutes late will do that. Jen won. Jen was prompt. Racing isn't all about being the fastest runner, folks. #PROOF

This was followed by another one of my oldest daughter's performances...

After that came Christmas.

Presents, a treasure hunt from was fairly low-key because when you move the week before Christmas and then get really sick and only have 4 hours to Christmas shop and are more or less a sickish zombie while you're shopping you tend to not buy that much. I usually try to have the same number of presents for each kid because you KNOW they count them and compare. I was so out of it that somehow I ended up with nine things for one kid and only 2 things for another (and one of those things was a pair of sweatpants) and five for the other kids. Ages and genders make the gifts not very interchangeable so I improvised...wrapping up a cookie, a $20-bill, a card promising a trip to the ice rink for the short-changed child. Because I'm resourceful.

Unfortunately, in my sickish zombie fog, I thought nail polish would be an awesome gift for my 4-year old.

So  many pretty colors in a pretty, sparkly box!
She LOVED it. Then she disappeared for a while. And was really quiet.

No words.
Our new house has off-white carpeting. With red nail polish spots in some places.

We had family over for dinner because now we have enough space to host. Yay.

Yorkshire Pudding... which I can't eat because
it is made entirely with shit I'm intolerant of.
Gluten, check. Eggs, check. Dairy, check.
And that is all.
But if you follow me on INSTAGRAM you'd know all this already.

As the sun sets on this year...

two days ago...#nofuckingfilter
Let's all find the joyful, shadow-dancing child within...

And embrace the glory that is this life.

Recycled material is the best. And this is the time of year to do it. This was just three weeks worth of regurgitation...wait until I get going on the running recap for this year....oh, ooops...I didn't run after the first week in February. Well, maybe I'll do a blog recap for the year or one of those little Instagram recap dealios that EVERYone is doing this year. They're like the after Christmas gift guide post ...MANDATORY. OH, WAIT!!!!! GOALS FOR THE YEAR IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER! #SOSTOKED!!!!!

December 7, 2013

One of the most boring race reports in the history of race reports...with a message

another not-funny post on the anniversary of my second time running CIM 
in honor of it being CIM weekend again. 

The Prologue

After blowing up at CIM in my first marathon, I didn't run for 6 months. I hated all things running and never wanted to do it again. Then I got the postcard from Team in Training in June and I knew a redemption run was in order. We'd be training for the same race.

I didn't want to run faster. I wanted to run better.

I had a great training cycle with the exception of the moving violation I got on the way to a group run. And I had the wisdom gained from the experience of my nuclear meltdown the year before. Again, I went into the race with no time goal...I just wanted to be able to drive my boyfriend's little stick-shift pickup truck home without crying after the race AND still love running. I devised a race plan based on these objectives.

From my years of experience in racing and time trials testing, I knew that steady usually has a more favorable outcome than fly and die...especially over the long haul. So taking my previous marathon finish time from the year before, 3:49:20, I calculated the pace per mile to be roughly 8:45 (we didn't have McMillan back then...I'm not even sure there was an internet and if there was I didn't know about it).

It was rainy as fuck the day and night before and the morning of...not quite as bad as CIM 2012 but pretty close. Driving to the shuttle parking lot was terrifying; the rain was parallel to the ground because the wind was so strong and it was coming down in sheets. I kept thinking "Do they ever cancel races? Cuz this would be an excellent time to cancel a race." But then I remembered running is an outdoor sport :) I parked my car, put on my Hefty bag and headed to the bus.

Again, I was struck by how fucking long a 26.2-mile race is. They let us sit in the bus for a little while and then we had to stand outside in the rain. About 10 minutes before the start, the rain stopped and we all started laughing and joking.

The Race

The race began and people were mincing around the puddles. The rustle of Hefty bags was loud.

Mile One: 8:45 according to my trusty Timex...and the sky opened up and dumped HEAVILY. I laughed so hard. No more worries about puddles!

The rain didn''t last long and I shed my Hefty bag around the half...nailing 8:45 each and every mile. It  felt so easy. And if I had been all hung up on analysis and PR's and shit like that, I definitely would have pushed it harder (my mile repeat workouts were hitting between 6:05 and 6:11...but not because that was some target time, that's just what they were) but I wasn't so I didn't. And there were two pitstops totaling about 5 minutes because I just can't help myself.

I had the happiest 26.2 miles ever.

At about 18 miles in. I looked like this the whole way.
I'm not sure if my happy chattiness helped these guys
or irritated the living shit out of them but since we ran
together for about an hour before they needed to slow
I'm thinking it was a good thing.


The Epilogue

Though this race happened 16 years ago today, I remember vividly feeling so great because I paced it so evenly. It helped me remember what I love so much about running. A slower time than the year before but a redemption run, for sure.

The part where I try to explain the message

It makes me sad sometimes that people (bloggers in particular, I think) put so much pressure on themselves to hit a certain time. We're pretty much all just hobbyjoggers doing it because it's fun and we love it and ENDORPHINS!!!!  My takeaway from life as an elite athlete AND life as hobbyjogger is STOP TAKING SHIT SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY. It's one thing to be serious about your training...dedication and discipline...good stuff. But obsessing and over-analyzing and Garmins and setting workout paces based on goal times and not on where you all makes no real sense unless your livelihood depends on it. Okay, it makes sense if you're achievement-oriented, but then stop fucking whining about it when shit blows up.

Have you ever whined about a race not going the way you wanted it to?
–of course I have. That's why I'm qualified to be all judgy about people who do it.

Have you ever blamed shit on your Garmin?
–no...this one I haven't done. Sometimes a course is longer or shorter or the device can't get a's not an infallible system. It's a TOOL.

Is the first thing you do at the end of a race look at and stop your Garmin?
–when I race with one, yes. Soooo guilty of this.

Do you set your workout paces based on your goal time or on your REAL time?
–you know I keep it real. ALWAYS. (lies...all lies)

Did you check out my HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE???

December 6, 2013

A MILF Runner Holiday Gift Guide...

I had a great idea to do a holiday gift guide and mock all the ones that are floating around the internets, but when I tried to check out the overabundance of existing ones to get some ideas I got overwhelmed and just went

Seriously, fuck it.

How can you mock shit like underwear with something running/fitness-related written on the butt...especially when you can get them in a 3-pack for $48? That breaks down to only $16 each. Magical underpants. They're from Oiselle and are sure to get you laid and make you run fast...AT THE SAME TIME.

And what blogger wouldn't LOVE the indulgence of gourmet oatmeal? It's classic and only takes 5 minutes to cook! You simply canNOT make fun of a 14-oz $10 can of oatmeal. The perfect foil to your NutZo or leftover hamburger...

Williams-Sonoma Quick Cooking Steel-Cut Oatmeal

So then I thought "Fuck mocking shit...let's go original and get CRAFTY!" Everyone loves shit you make shows love and intention and an unwillingness to buy into the corporate overload of advertising and consumerism.

Garmin Wrist Protectors are a great homemade gift! These are ideal for super bony, undernourished wrists. And if you're nervous about your crafting abilities, you can order a set from me :)  (pumping pageviews with the link and promoting my own handiwork in one fell swoop...#rockstarblogging right there)

Dudeband™ has shut down its site but that link provided takes you to a competitor that makes an actually better product than the original and gives DIY tips. (Unfortunately, this was the only photo I could find, and it's of a "basic" model with no embellishments). If SparklySoul is out of your price range and you're digging the crafty/homemade gift idea thing, a knock-off Dudeband™ which comes with many decorated options is a great choice. And as the competitor's site claims...recycle, repurpose, reuse. Nothing says "i love you" more clearly than sustainability.

And then I thought of some novelty gifts for running/HLB bloggers that could be practical as well as fun a boot!

because a stress fracture is inevitable.

and a Ball Gag

because we're really sick of fucking gift guides so

I feel so badly that I didn't get this out before the holidays started and totally missed Hannukah. This is not an anti-semitic move on my part...some of my best friends are Jewish...really. It's more an indication of the fact that I lack organization and timeliness.

What are you most excited about giving this year?

December 2, 2013

Meaningless shit that goes through my head while perusing social media...Part 2: when words are not enough

Part 2


instead of telling you with words what pops into my head when I read or think of
certain bloggers/tweeters/IGers/FBers, I'm giving you what I see in my mind's eye
or, in some cases, a visual to go with my feelings.
Because little moving pictures are fun.
It's a lot shorter this time, but I gave you SIXTEEN last time 
and realized I need to pace myself, so now's a great time to practice 

the boring runner:

Little girl falling asleep while eating

#fitfluential: well, blogging in general.


High Heels + Treadmill
I hope this never happens to you. I'm sure it would happen to me.

sweaty and the lime (a triptych):


OMG #RWRunStreak (AKA Runners World Holiday Running Streak):

also works for oiselle, lululemon, NWM, crossfit, paleo,
people who sign up for 100-milers...the list goes on.

Bart Yasso:

Bart gets to be Haymitch. I'm thinking RER is Peeta. Stuft is Gale. I usually go with HRG when I think of Katniss (without the attitude and negativity) but maybe we'll keep the attitude and negativity and put Ali in there (even though she's not really a RW groupie) because she seems a little lost.
Decisions, decisions...

No meaningless shit post would be complete without 
a nod to the stand-outs from Part 1...

stuftmama and team runner for life...

these two are like gawking at a car wreck... I can't look away :-(
TeamRunner's stepped up his game. He's now retweeting shit from
sites like LadyBoner and ManCrush...
evening up the eye-candy score or something.
Stuftmama is still finding new ways every day to invoke my gag reflex
by stuffing shit into potatoes and squashes.
I like to think I'm her muse,
but I know that's just self-importance.

And HRG said "yes"

I just hope she knew I meant I wouldn't swear in front of her when we're hanging out.

Questions of the Day:

  1. Would you be flattered, appalled, excited, or pissed if YOU were featured? 
  2. If you WERE featured, what was your reaction?
  3. Who (or what) would YOU feature?
  4. Is this how you see ME?

December 1, 2013

Thanksgiving Dinner

...isn't always what you expect.

A sausage and a salad.

The salad was eaten first and fast...
everything was organic and from Trader Joe's...
thank GOD.
The erasers had an Eraser Thanksgiving, dining on...erasers. But what a variety of erasers. The kids were jealous. Pizza and a sandwich...

Beats hot dogs any day.

After my kids finished their Thanksgiving Hot Dogs, they kind of went crazy. So we took the youngest out for a run. We love to get her all wound up and then see how far she'll go...

She likes to simulate upcoming races...
starting out on the road...
...then finishing things up on a "trail" – a dried-up creek bed in this case.
She is going to crush the AR50.
I think kids should start endurance training as early as possible.
Since she did NO running in utero, she is behind the curve and needs to make up for lost time.

After Thursday's culinary less-than festivities with extended family (which was fun just not particularly foodie), we decided that we really wanted the real Thanksgiving deal and were going to have a turkey and all the other good Thanksgiving-y shit for Saturday dinner. Since I wanted to partake and yet have a billion food intolerances this required extra planning and creativity and research.

Instead of potatoes...

Turnips, mutherfuckers!

Have you ever seen such a HUGE fucking turnip?
Did you know that small turnips are preferable,
being less "woody"and having better flavor?
Yeah, me neither :(
And the Happiest Turkey on the Block...

This turkey is $60-worth of happy and is gluten-free.
It better taste like roasted heaven.
It lived a happy life, dining on all organic vegetarian feed
and freely roaming the pasture.
It was killed humanely by the nicest farmer with the kindest smile
and the quickest, sharpest hatchet who probably sang
while decapitating the extremely happy and unsuspecting
really fucking expensive turkey.
And a gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free, potato-free pumpkin pie...

Displaying photo.JPG
Looking so perfect and delicious though a little ragged around the edges
in the beginning.

While exploding cooking

Not entirely sure WTF is going on here.
It totally blew up like a balloon yet remained soupy under that
inflated skin that will, no doubt, be rubbery when cooled.
The menu was to include tolerance-limitations abiding stuffing, too.


I only have one oven and things got kind of off schedule by A LOT. So it's almost midnight and everything is ready except that really fucking happy turkey. 

We're going to eat tomorrow. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Incidentally, we had hot dogs again tonight.

What was your favorite part of Thanksgiving?

What was your least favorite part of Thanksgiving?

Did you get to run a Turkey Trot? Did you win?

Would you rather eat a turnip or an eraser?

Have you ever had hot dogs for a celebratory meal other than the Fourth of July?

did you notice the fall decor in the engagement questions? why are you not answering them? WHERE IS EVERYONE?????

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