Conversation with me and my husband:
me: I only have a sec...I'm on my way to the new PT.
him: Oh, right...the vagina lady...let me know what she does and if it works 'cuz, ya know...I'm happy to try being the vagina man.
CAN'T HE TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY????
I know you all are DYING to know what my problem is and what it has to do with vaginas. Right?
Here's the thing...I haven't talked much about my "affliction" on this blog because, quite frankly, it could so easily become a big, fat, whine-fest the likes of which the blogworld has never seen. You hear people
I really hate whining...even when it comes from me.
After almost 13 years of weird, intermittent-in-its-severity-but-constant-in-its-presence pain, I was finally diagnosed in February with severe osteoarthritis in one hip. The other one is totally fine...completely healthy. The diseased (that's what they call it) hip has no evidence of cartilage and is chock full o' bone spurs. I'm seeing a pelvic pain specialist because the hip is part of the pelvis (anatomy lesson for those of you who did NOT know that). The idea is to stave off a hip replacement.
I've tried prolotherapy (which totally helped, especially the first few treatments, but I still cannot run...I'd say without severe pain but the truth is I CANNOT RUN...not even away from a mugger or to save my kids from abduction...in fact, I cannot walk without pain). I guess some people get lucky or pray the right way or maybe kabocha really is magical...in which case, I'm totally fucked.
Last week I decided to explore something new, and the vagina lady changed my life. She showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. She gave me hope beyond all other hopes. In other words, she totally made my fucking day.
At roughly 4 p.m. PST on Tuesday, November 12, 2013, I walked four lengths of her office hallway WITHOUT PAIN OR LIMPING. I cried. Blubbered, actually. And my crying made HER cry.
I can't remember the last time I didn't feel any pain. Seriously cannot remember. It must have been last century.
The plan for now is stepped up PT with the vagina lady, my chiropractor, my massage therapist and my new best friend:
 |
| A CANE can be a running accessory...RIGHT???? Right along with my Garmin... and my ProCompression socks... and my twice-worn Hokas... and my #sparklyskirt |
Did you ever need a cane or crutches? Did your triceps get a killer workout?
– my triceps on the cane side are on FIRE.
Do you suffer from chronic something?
Does it piss you off when I post about something serious?
Do you want to try a pair of size 8.5 women's Hokas?
Do you own anything sparkly? Do you ever wear it running?
Do you know any magic prayers that might cure me in miraculous fashion?
Can you guess the last time I used my Garmin on a run?
I'd shank someone to try a free pair of Hokas.
ReplyDeleteI was going to mock you for the cane, but then you added the sparkly skirt.
What size running shoes do you generally wear? You can DM me through Twitter if you're embarrassed to say.
DeleteAs someone who has found healing from a holistic doctor, I would be the last one to knock your going to the vagina lady. Or using a cane. Whatever it takes to #inspire and schill #nuun is worth it! ; )
ReplyDeleteHolistic healing = the best. I think #nuun is holistic.
DeleteI don't know what to say other than: that sucks....but how awesome that there might be hope!! I must say, though, that I burst out laughing at, "I can really haul ass with my mutherfucking cane."
ReplyDeleteI have Meniere's disease which is chronic vertigo, basically. It was debilitating for a while, but then I treated it with an altered diet (no, not gluten free) and things got a lot better.
I'm glad you got a good laugh AT MY EXPENSE!!!! But really, I am glad :)
DeleteTell me about the Meniere's thing...or give me a link you like. My husband has had a weird vertigo thing and someone mentioned this the other day. I'm glad things are better with your altered diet.
Hey, if it helps, USE the vagina lady! You deserve some pain-free living, woman.
ReplyDeleteI surely do :)
DeleteOh man I hope vagina lady continues to work her magic on you. In the meantime I'll pray over the kabocha I've got sitting in the garage. I had crutches when I blew out my knee mogul jumping (don't ask). They sucked royally but I don't remember any tricep workout. Just armpit agony.
ReplyDeleteThe cane is kind of jaunty, so there's that...
#prayforme
DeleteI'm gonna get me a straw boater and a striped blazer and start doing vaudeville routines :)
I'm sorry to hear that. I have osteoarthritis in both knees, I believe my orthopedic surgeon said "you have the knees of an 80 year old woman." (I love his honestly -- no really). I'm a fairly new reader so I'm not sure how you feel about drugs but if you embrace western medicine, get yourself a script for naproxen. It's not a cure all but it does help with the swelling and low level pain. Then when you are really feeling like crap, get a cortisone injection. I too have bone spurs, mostly in my left knee. For the most part they're ok, personally I think they look worse on the xray, but every so often there are days where they start to get all angry and bitchy. That's usually when I have the doctor shove a needle in there and inject it with cortisone to shut them up. Works every time.
ReplyDeleteI've had four knee surgeries between the two knees. One was pretty severe and resulted in my doctor clubbing my knee like Nancy Kerrigan. 8 weeks non-weight bearing to recover. I was using a walker as crutches to get around because with the swelling, the brace it was so much easier than crutches. After 8 weeks I had to relearn how to walk so I first started out with a wheeled walker (haha yes two types) then moved up to a cane.
Side benefit of all that nonsense: I took the motorized cart around the grocery store with my sister. Those things are awesome!
I used to run, I no longer do (my doc strongly advised against it). I kind of hated it anyway. Now I swim...well I've always swam but now it's that or the bike. There are open water competitive swims that I'm hoping to get into.
(sorry this turned into a novel)
I love your novel. Thanks for sharing your perspective. The orthopedics guy said I could go ahead and run if I could stand it because I couldn't make it any worse..."it's as bad as it can possibly get" were his words. I like grocery shopping with a regular cart...I use it like a walker :) I'm working this denial angle really hard and heavy right now... I wonder if there are cane races?
DeleteThat is a bummer! Stay with what works. I'm not doctor but when people ask me (I may or may not be a nurse ;) ) about their injuries and unhappiness with their doctors I tell them they have to take control of their own shit and find what works. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteI've always wanted Hoka One's but I have very long feet. VERY long feet. I wear a men's 11 to run in. They are great for ass kicking!
I do know a younger gal at the hospital that ended up getting bilateral hip replacements because of arthritis. They've come a long way.....
What if we cut off your toes? Maybe they'd fit then? Thanks for your good, grounded words :)
Deletei like serious you. but this blog seems not as "serious"? you know I f-ing love to sparkle. for reals. and i hope i don't come across whiney and then candy canes and gum drops.... yay for no pain!! hoping it stays that way. miss you so much.
ReplyDeleteI think you're hottest when you sparkle...and I don't say that about everyone ;-)
DeleteYou are one of the most heartfelt, honest, REAL people I've ever met. No...not whiny. No...not candy canes and gumdrops. More like sprained ankles and cheeseburgers :) I love and miss you, too!
If a vagina lady could fix my feet, I'd ... meh, I don't know what I'd do, go for a pain free run? Yeah.
ReplyDeleteI had crutches once. Technically, twice. I had bunion surgery and my doc told me two weeks non weight bearing. What I didn't realize is he also meant another two MONTHS in a boot/cast. My arms were totally on fire. Rinse, repeat for the other foot the following year. I walked a mile home with my crutches once because someone pissed me off. There's a nice little incline and a good downhill stretch to get home. Walking on anything but a flat surface with crutches seriously blows.
Do teenagers count as a chronic condition? <--- there is only one correct answer.
Do I own anything sparkly? You follow me on Instagram & by now you must now I fart sparkles.
Hoka's, never tried them. Of course the hubs is telling me I'm the Imelda Marcos of running shoes, but whatever.
Two non-answers for questions you didn't ask:
1. I'm impressed that I actually had to scroll down the page in order to leave a comment. That's blogger magic happening here.
2, Our 'next time' is on the calendar. Of course it's Valentine's weekend, so I sure hope you're not off doing something all romantical or anything. Mid Feb. Get it on your calendar. :)
Valentines is OURS, baby!!!
DeleteFTR...I used to have 16 pairs of athletic shoes in my boathouse locker. They used to fall out all over the place Uncle Buck-style whenever I'd open it. I got a lot of grief for that :-/
Sweet!!! The mr. can't handle so much of my asian persuasion (aka family), so we got us a cripple date!
DeleteHA! All my fancy shoes are seriously in a pile in my closet collecting dust while each pair of shoes is in a well organized shoe holder thingy. Except for the 7 pairs stacked up on top of each other by the front door. We're past getting grief here.
Melissa! I'm curious about your bunion surgery, The surgery is inevitable for me but I'm curious how long until you were able to run again? How bad were your bunions before you decided to get the surgery? Do you want to come over and get drunk and talk about bunions with me?
DeleteAs you know...not a true fan of the sparkles....well not on me ...I tried and well I tried...
ReplyDeleteChronic crap....yep I have that.... GERD...chronic acid reflux...it sucks...
I am a fan of the can and your vagina lady....and of the no pain part.... Hope all is well
My wife had a Birmingham Hip Resurfacing last year, and now run 3 times a week and swims 4 times, also cycle a bit... You can run again if you can stay away from a replacement, BUT it's even better if you can beat the KNIFE, so lets hope Vagina Lady keeps you pain free...
ReplyDeleteWe want a happy MILF...
When you said you and your PT cried, I cried a little too. BUT IF YOU TELL ANYONE THAT I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU. I have a reputation as an asshole I need to maintain.
ReplyDeleteAlso I'm still confused about how the vagina is involved, unless she is repairing your hip by fisting you, in which case, PICS!
It's more like fingering ...with a lot of pain. Unfortunately, the office has a pretty strict "no fingering pics" policy, but I could either draw you one or throw something together on Photoshop.
DeleteI know exactly what you mean about crying when you were finally able to walk without pain; I'm still looking for it for my pain, but I had pretty severe xereotic eczema on my legs (to the point I was literally bleeding from scratching at them), and when I finally saw a dermatologist for it, and she gave me a steroid cream that solved my problem in a single use, I bawled like a baby.
ReplyDeleteAs for chronic conditions, what don't I have? GERD, IBS, Barett's Esophagus, patellofemoral pain syndrome, hiatal hernia, a benign kidney disorder, eczema... All at 23, The biggest one I have is a chronic pain disorder, and that's actually the roundabout reason I found your blog. :P I've spent the last year trying to get a diagnosis, and they haven't been able to yet. I'm fairly certain that once I get a decent rheumatologist my diagnosis is going to be fibromyalgia, and if that's the case I'll have been showing symptoms for almost 8 years now. I've spent the last year being told "Exercise will make it hurt less," which is a really defeating thought when you're in too much pain to even walk to the bathroom on your own, but because I've been refusing all narcotics, I got to the point that I had to try something. I was told I'd only ever be able to do non-impact exercises, that anything else would just cause me more pain.
I don't take being told that I can't do something well. So, since I had wanted to do Couch-to-5K last summer and had to put it off due to a knee injury, and developed this pain right when I'd been intending to start, I decided now was the perfect time to do it, and to start a blog about doing it with a pain disorder. It's not meant as a whiny blog like you mentioned, although I'm sure it will sound like it at times. It's because when I was looking to see if anyone else had tried running with a pain disorder, I found a single blog that was almost never updated - I'm sure plenty of other people do it, but how can I learn from them if I can't find them. I'm doing it so I can be a resource for others in my condition. But after doing W1D1 yesterday (and consequently barely able to move today for doing it when I wasn't feeling my best anyway), I was gearing up to write my first post and went to the one running blog I knew of to get inspiration, and decided to pick a post at random and go to the blogs of every commenter to expand the list of blogs I could read. And now here I am. :)
But, yes, I know 100% what you mean about not remembering the last time you weren't in pain. I don't even remember when the pain started; I remember when it got crippling, but I'm a former ballet dancer with all the aches, pains, and injuries that entails. I have good days where all I have is a dull ache that I can tune out at this point, and I ask myself if I'm just imagining everything, and then I have a bad day where I literally can't get out of bed, and I can't remember what it's like to not feel pain.
Expansion is good :) Here's hoping we get some pain-free life! Thanks for reading and sharing!
DeleteI totally understand why you cried - the light at the end of the tunnel was just so beautiful. I did exactly the same when I finally found out, after two years and countless doctors' visits, what was wrong with me and that it could be treated. And that cane - I'm a bit jealous. I wouldn't mind one of those to ankle-tap the eighty year olds that get in my way when I'm grocery shopping. And if it had a taser accessory I'd be in heaven - or in jail.
ReplyDeleteLOL at the taser accessory.
DeleteOMG I am thrilled that you walked without pain!!!! That's incredible news and I would cry too if I were you. I am a little nervous for my future, I have osteoperosis and I am scared that I am going to be in a lot of pain later in life :( I am doing almost everything I can but you never know!
ReplyDelete4 whole lengths of the hallway :) Going for more next week!
DeleteI say go for the vagina lady and see what can be done. I have not had to use a cane yet, but after my rape as a teen I did use crutches for a bit. If it helps definitely utilize it. You have every right to cry when a pain free moment happens. I think about you often because you are always a rock star to me and one of those ladies I would love to meet and share a coffee with.
ReplyDeleteCoffee makes you happy.
DeleteHa! Just found your blog from Marcia's - were we separated at birth? Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally get it that you cried. Chronic pain is so disheartening, so finding some relief is HUGE. It took me years to finally find someone who could give me some relief from chronic back pain/nerve damage after a big fall during a run (I'm THAT big of a klutz). I'm cheering you on from afar!
Thanks! Hope you come back for a visit again soon. Glad you're getting relief :)
DeleteOh man, M. this really sucks. At least your getting answers, but I don't like the sound of it. But, if anyone can rock a cane, it's you. :-) Sending positive healing vibes your way :-0
ReplyDeleteRocking the cane and shitting EVERY DAY! #LIVINGTHEDREAM!!!!!
DeleteNo sugar coating it: That sucks. Sorry to hear you're in so much pain, but glad to hear you're finding something that is helping.
ReplyDeleteA cane can be a running accessory if you cover it in glitter.
Accented with a tulle bow.
DeleteYes love the skirt ! :)
ReplyDelete