October 19, 2013

How skinny jeans almost killed me.

After reading about these awesome skinny jeans, I knew I had to have some. I set off in search of, hoping to score a deal because, frankly, $179 not including our local 10% sales tax made me gag.

First place I hit up was an awesome consignment store where I've snagged sweet designer skinny jeans in the past for $15. Part of why I'm able to find these deals is because I wear a 25 or 26 (0-2) in most jeans. It's genetics. What's your excuse?

My last skinny jeans...JCrew for $15.
They didn't have the holes in the knees when I bought them.
A better shot with better contrast so you can better see my thigh gap.
It's a good one partly because I'm semi-bowlegged. Again, genetics.
In case it wasn't clearly defined in that above picture...
I found 8 pair on the rack that I was interested in. Alas, none had rockin'-cool zippers at the ankles...but truth be told, since my pair of pinstriped Guess ankle-zip jeans back in 1989, I haven't been all that partial to zippers. So feeling special because I had such a large selection and none were pricier than $20, I set to work...kicked off my flipflops and stripped down.

The first pair were super comfy. A definite maybe. Happy that they were cheap and without zippers, I proceeded to remove them. Here's where things went glaringly awry...

Because they had no zippers...

Because they were skinny...

Because I have heels on my feet...

The fucking pantleg got a little stuck on my heel. I bent over to the right a little to nudge it over the edge and something went *ping*

Ooooo...fuck. I thought as I started to stand to hang the jeans on their hanger. That wasn't good.

The straighter I stood the more I thought, Fuck. This isn't good.

Once I had the hanger on the hook, I looked at the pile of my own jeans and flipflops in the middle of the floor. All I could think was,

How in the FUCK am I going to get those on?

After a few moments of whimpering, I manned up and got dressed. Somehow I made it to my car and somehow again I drove home.  I spent the next 4 days looking at this...

The view staring straight up from my living room floor.
I imagined I was in rural village in Italy,
looking at quaint laundry drying over a quaint street.
The vicodin helped.
If I ever complain about not being able to run again, I hope someone slaps me. Try not being able to MOVE without excruciating pain. Running is gravy. Running is something we get to do if we're lucky. I have a new-found appreciation for mobility of any kind. And I will never roll my eyes EVER again when someone says they hurt their back. EVER.

P.S. if you found any of this funny, it's okay to laugh because I'll be fine. If I were not going to be fine, then laughter would be so fucked up. Isn't it weird how that works?

Epilogue: I can walk now. I can get to the bathroom almost easily. It almost doesn't hurt to sneeze. But after the chiropractor, the massage therapist, my husband taking 2 days off of work, and the upcoming physical therapy...I'm thinking $179 for jeans isn't all that bad. Fuuuuuuck.

Have you ever hurt your back?

Do you know anyone who has a "bad" back?

Do you roll your eyes when people mention their back in such a way?

Have you ever been to Italy?

Do you prefer skinny jeans with or without zippered ankles?

What size are you? 

What do you get to blame on genetics?

Do you believe in excuses?


  1. I can't believe they're putting ankle zippers on jeans again *cocks pistol*
    Sorry about your back, congrats on the vicodin though. I love drugs.

    1. I'm really sorry I didn't show you my tits. I was hoping the close up of my crotch was good enough.

    2. Next time... tits
      crotch is good!!!

  2. Hahaha. Love it.
    I am 5'10"...it's genetic. I haven't been a size 2 since 5th grade.
    I use to have a pair of skinny jeans with no zipper. I use to wear them on dates and I called them my "safety pants" because they were so difficult to get out of that I didn't want anyone to witness it. AKA..I wouldn't put out as easy.
    slut...not genetic..or is it?

    1. Slut is a learned behavior. It's "nurture" based and not "nature". But it can also be a personal choice. We are masters of our destiny.

  3. in 9th grade (which was 1983 if you must know) I had the most effing awesome skinny jeans (with ankle zippers even!!). I might have weighed 120 pounds and was 5 ft 8. By 12th grade I mighta been 130. oh those silly days before boobs and hips.

    Have you ever hurt your back? Nope. But my neck got stuck once. 3days of excruciating immobility. ho lee F*k ...nothing worse.

    Do you know anyone who has a "bad" back? The only peeps I know who suffer from bad backs need to lose 50+ pounds. Oh and my ex who is a pussy.

    Do you roll your eyes when people mention their back in such a way? Oly person I slag or roll eyes when they discuss "back issues" would be said ex. See pussy comment above.

    Have you ever been to Italy? No. GD I bet it would be good with all the gluteny stuff. And wine. an Seafood. I;ll take a house in Umbria, Thanks!

    Do you prefer skinny jeans with or without zippered ankles? I am super curvy Marilyn Monroe shapey....I dont really do skinny jeans. IF i did...sans zip thanks. Don't want to have to bend over to undo the zip to peel those bitches off.

    What size are you? 10. sometimes a 12 if the stuff is "made small" bah. i am size fabby.

    What do you get to blame on genetics? My big boobs. I blame my genes....go away boobs, I would be faster without you.

    Do you believe in excuses? Depends on what you are trying to excuse.

  4. oh!!! more on the zippered jeans. Any of you out there old enough to remember FANCY ASS jeans??? Like the ZIP AROUN ones?? http://blog.deleteyourself.com/post/46980447/whoa-these-jeans-zip-from-front-to-back-easy

    I had these ones http://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/124704841/high-waist-jeans-by-fancy-ass-dark-denim ...the zip arounds were not ALLOWED only tramps wore those jeans....

  5. I al sorry to say I did find this a little funny, a bit like the time I stupidly decided I could swim in both Oceans and run a sub 3 marathon, then keep that pace up for 14 more km... well I cramped coming out of the 2nd ocean!!! it was so bad I didn't know how I was going to get my shoes back on to finish the race!!!

    Back, no I have been lucky, but I know a number of people who have had op's.

    Jeans the last pair of jeans I bought were a pair of Levi's back in October 1997, I do also own a pair of Wranglers...still wear both pairs.

    I'm a 'M' don't know numbers

    Italy is a long way off, but who know I might get there one day, but I have been to France so I understand what you are saying!

    Now a question for you: why are your feet so red? (in that picture showing off just how good you look!)

  6. I've been so proud of myself cos I have a thigh gap and now you just made me realize it's only cos I've got bow legs darn it :)

  7. That is hilarious!

    Once, I pulled a muscle in my neck while trying on a dress and that acted up for YEARS afterward

  8. As a young idiot, my friends and I went to the drive-in with lawn furniture and coolers of beers to watch a Texas Chain Saw double feature. The next day when I tried to get out of bed, I couldn't because my back was AFU. While it got a little better (and a little worse) over the years seeing witch doctors, Chiropractors, and faith healers, ultimately I got surgery (L5/S1 discectomy for those scoring at home). That worked for a while but it still reminds me from time to time that I shouldn't go to drive-ins. I think I might need to add skinny jeans to that list of "don't dos" but I have too cute of an ass to even need to try them

  9. ps - i am envious of the thigh gap. sigh.


Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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