October 2, 2013

Help me reach my goals! And vintage workout wear SALE!

I set a bunch of goals for the year back when everyone else did but a whole lot of heavy bullshit victimized me into not being able to reach any of them. I take zero responsibility for any of it.

Not only do I refuse to be held accountable for anything, but I now am going to rely on my five adoring fans (up from 3!!!! SQUEEEE!!!) to help make my #BIGDREAMS come true.

Here are my goals for the month and what you can do to make it happen for me but it's all kind of blended together so do your best to figure out which are the goals for ME and which are the directives for YOU...I don't have to write with clarity because I'M A BLOGGER:

1. RUN DISNEY!


People seem to think I'm anti-Disney because of my Goofy Challenge inquisition. I AM NOT ANTI-DISNEY. I LOVE DISNEYLAND...SEE????  (please take advantage of the extra linkings to augment my page views. I know the importance of numbers when it comes to obtaining lucrative sponsorships and free race entries). In an attempt to secure a comped entry and lodging, I've emailed Disney countless times using a variety of different email addresses and pseudonyms but the fuckers still havent replied. This feels like #CHOBANI all over again. DON'T THEY KNOW I'M ELITE???? They still have a couple of days to get back to me for the Tower Of Terror race this weekend. I'm being patient and optimistic. Feel free to email them multiple times on my behalf from all of your accounts (Hint: this is where YOU help out).

2. MAKE A COSTUME FOR DISNEY RACE!

Anyone know where to get a
matching purple glitter thong?
O, wait...that's my costume for Vegas.
What Disney character might wear a purple sparkly skirt and matching headband? I only have purple #sadface (Hint: this is where YOU help out).

3. DECLUTTER!

I have so much awesome stuff that I've accumulated over the years. My husband jokingly calls me a hoarder. He's such a kidder! LOL What an #amazeballs guy :) Anyhooooo... while going through our garage, I realized I have some great winter gear that I will not likely ever use again! My purge = YOUR binge :) #symbioticwardrobebulimia

4. MAKE SOME MONEY!

So much easier than a garage sale or eBay, you guys can buy my used stuff! I've tried giving it away and that's been moderately successful. But it seems like the same 3 people are always vying for my #usedfreeshit. Perhaps if people think it's valuable I'll get more page views #bloggyBFFs and make enough to buy a new pair of wedgie sandals or pay my airfare to Disney :) Some of these things were hardly ever worn but they all have that super coveted vintagey/mildewy aroma from being in the garage for 18 years. This stuff was really cutting edge when it was new in 1990...groundbreaking. Here it is:

Genuine vintage Nike ACG apparel.
Does Hind even exist in the world of running apparel any longer?

HOLY FUCK, MILFY! THAT IS SOME CUTE AND COLORFUL, RETRO 90'S GOODNESS! WILL WEARING IT AND WORKING OUT IN IT MAKE ME ELITE LIKE YOU?????

You betcha. Wearing old skool tech (using the term very loosely) will toughen the mind and body. And the previous wearer always imparts his/her aura of strength and dedication and speed into the fabric of the items thereby rendering them magical so that all future wearers become cumulatively more and more popular and cute and successful in all walks of life.

How much? you ask. How much for all this MAGIC????

$10 an item. Payable in rolled pennies. Just kidding. I think going auction-style is more exciting. We could pretend we're at Christie's or Sotheby's. After all, these are originals. Bids start....

NOW.

(Hint: third chance this post for YOU to assist in making my goals achieved!)

5. GET READY FOR CIM!

I know I haven't run since early February and my leg remains pretty jacked up, but I still have 8 weeks to prep. I figure if I run every other day and increase by a mile each time I run, that would be a safe training plan. I'll incorporate mile repeats in every third run and tempo in every fifth run. I've decided that I'll forgo fueling and hydration until I get over 10 miles at which point I'll start carrying a Camelback of beer (liquid carbs...two birds, one stone). I figured the buzz would help mask the pain.

6. SOLVE WORLD HUNGER!

KABOCHA, BABY. And if that's not available, we've already discussed shit as a possible option.


7. GET 10 PEOPLE TO ANSWER MY RAINBOW QUESTIONS!!!!

What is the shortest marathon training plan you used?

Have you ever sold old clothes online? Did people actually buy them?

Have you ever run with a Camelback? With beer? With both?

Would you ever buy used underpants? To wear? How about used workout bottoms in which the previous owner was known to go "commando"?

What was the funniest movie you ever saw? Tell me the funniest part!

What are you going to be for Halloween? What was your favorite costume or the best one you've ever seen?

(HINT: your cue again)


19 comments:

  1. Are those stirrups on that one pair of tights? Oh my. All those 90s colours are back in at my local running store, so it's totally fashionable. Why must we all dress like skittles?

    Purple = Rapunzel, I believe. She wears lots of purple. Slap a bunch of flowers in your hair and you are done. Although you might want to wear a top of some sort with the skirt and headband. Not sure how Disney feels about topless running (I suspect against).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking of being different and wearing the skirt as a top, but topless Rapunzel changes EVERYTHING!
      Stirrups, YES! You like? They might wind up as #freeshit and you could win them!

      Delete
  2. I think I used a 16 week plan for my one and only marathon. It was not nearly enough.

    I sell my underwear to perverts who use them as wank material.

    Never used a camelback. I can't stand carrying shit when I run.

    I don't wear underwear anymore.

    OMG THAT MOVIE WITH KEVIN JAMES WHERE IT WAS ALL JUST A BUNCH OF FAT JOKES?

    An alcoholic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Best. Costume idea. Ever. Except for my shaved pussy one. THAT was the BEST. It was even better than my cocaine costume.

      Delete
  3. What is the shortest marathon training plan you used? I THINK I'VE DONE A TRAINING IN 12ISH WEEKS, BUT NEVER LESS....UNLESS I HAD ALREADY DONE A MARATHON RECENTLY.

    Have you ever sold old clothes online? Did people actually buy them? NOPE. TOO LAZY, BUT, I HAVE SOLD TO STORES

    Have you ever run with a Camelback? With beer? With both? YES, NO, NO. BUT I DO LOVE BEER

    Would you ever buy used underpants? To wear? How about used workout bottoms in which the previous owner was known to go "commando"? NO, BUT I DID SELL MY OLD BRAS IN A GARAGE SALE, AND YES, PEOPLE BOUGHT THEM. WEIRD.

    What was the funniest movie you ever saw? Tell me the funniest part! I AM NOT A BIG MOVIE PERSON, BUT "I LOVE YOU MAN" IS PRETTY HYSTERICAL. I LOVE THEM WHEN HE PLAYS AIR GUITAR AND SAYS "SLAPPING THE BASS" LIKE A LEPRECHAUN.

    What are you going to be for Halloween? What was your favorite costume or the best one you've ever seen? NO IDEA. TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING RIDICULOUSLY SILLY FOR ME AND MY INFANT TO BE TOGETHER. MY HUSBAND ISN'T INTO MATCHY MATCHY SHIT, BUT I THINK IT IS TOO CUTE, AND I WANT TO DO IT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE BEFORE HE IS TOO OLD TO REJECT MY IDEAS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dr. Evil and Mini Me. But you'll have to shave your head.

      Delete
    2. I would do almost anything before I'd do that. MUCH too vain. Now, if I had your sexy, skinny mini-me legs, then maybe I could get away with it, because no one would be looking at my face!

      Delete
  4. I am wistful for the retro colors. I think I have a warm up jacket stuffed in my golf bag from that era. Shows how much I golf.
    No Camelback here. But plenty of camel toe.
    I'm lobbying for family Mumford & Sons costumes but so far no traction.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should go as a collection of lawn ornaments.

      Delete
  5. if i had a job i would bid the shit outta yor offerings!! awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's free now. You or the Goodwill. You want?

      Delete
  6. You...kill...me. I need a camelback full if beer after reading your posts. Hope you get in Disney and I'll be rooting for you at CIM.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So many Questions:

    I run lots with a Camel pack, never put beer in it, but I have been known to have a can of beer with me, and then at the top of a long hill I would open it and wait for the rest of the guys to catch up!!!

    Movie, how about "A Fish call Wanda" I did laugh when the one guy was trying to kill the old lady and he set a doberman loose...

    Marathon plan, I never train for more than 4 week, so it would be a 5 week plan as I need 1 week taper. That said I am never that unfit and con run a marathon any given weekend.

    Underpants, as tempting as it sounds to buy your old underpants I just can't see me ever wearing them!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I JUST WATCHED THAT!!!! c-c-c-c-c-ath...c-c-c-c-c-athc-c-c-c-c-c-c...

      Cathcart Towers.

      Delete
    2. Ha Ha HA

      or

      h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-a .... h-h-h-h-h-h-h-a...

      Delete
  8. I am not in need of any retro workout clothes b/c my husband has drawers full of them.

    A camelback with beer is the only kind of camelback I am interested in using!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Never ran a marathon. But my last half marathon was the "half assed" plan.
    Have never sold clothes online but I'm considering it. I have way too many running clothes and lots of them I hardly used. That or I will find someone that will appreciate them for free.
    Love my camelback! Never ran with beer. I've drank it after but the hilarity of watching someone suck down the foam after the beer being shook up sounds entertaining.
    Never buy used undies. Ew. I can't run commando so as long as I washed the bottoms but only if I knew the person and their general grooming habits.
    I love funny movies but I'm horrible at remembering lines. So I married an ax murderer is so funny and the scene with the dad, Kentucky fried chicken and HEED! Haha

    I have no idea even what I'm doing for Halloween.

    So many questions! But who doesn't like to talk about themselves!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Shortest marathon training plan I've used is a 12 week plan but I was already running up to 13+ miles as a long run.
    Never sold clothes online but I've had friends do it on craigslist and make a decent amount from it.
    Camelbak yes, beer no.
    Used underpants- no.
    I am still a sucker for Bridesmaids.
    I'm not dressing up this year for halloween. I know, lame.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh.my.god those nylon pants are so cute!! I gotta have them. You have the cutest clothes ever. You are the coolest, prettiest, most amazing thing ever. You need to do a post on your makeup routine for races. I want to be awesome like you when I grow up.

    ReplyDelete

Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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