I'm not feeling very blogalicious right now

Which means it's probably the best time ever to blog. I'm going with bullets because people love the bullets. 

• I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT RUNNING FUCKING CIM. When I posted about not having run in 7 months but throwing caution to the wind since there were still 8 weeks to train, and then alluded to a completely insane training plan, I was sure my savvy readers would be able to physically FEEL the sarcasm. But there was a comment that indicated otherwise. Of course it came from a freakishly talented, completely possessed #sub3motherrunner who probably reads blogs in which this actually happens. C'mon, Kris...I ran pushing a fucking shopping cart full of kids to make YOU laugh. You should know better by now. 

*Them's some rad links, people. Sharing the bloggy wealth with links to click! Click 'em! 

#goodblogger rule number 3 

Don't you fucking HATE it when other bloggers fail to link you when they really should?* 

• I finally broke down...I know I said I have an aversion to eating food that looks like shit, but...

Looks like a heaping pile of shit.

Strongly resemble turds.

Food-Free Shit Cookies!

I followed the same recipe as last time with a few modifications: skipped the tapioca-and-warm-water step that was used to replace eggs, used 1 cup sweet rice flour instead of 1/2 c. tapioca + 1/2 c. sweet rice flour, and added 1/4 c. cocoa powder. The cocoa powder took me to the edge. Next time I'm going over by adding a blob of Nutzo on top. I'll bet they'd look great in a kabocha boat...but I'll never know :(

And they are the BEST goddamned cookies I have ever eaten.

#fuckingamazeepicballssauce

• From eating shit to exploiting children...I've been pretty reluctant to pimp my kids out on the blog yet, but I'm desperate for page views so here we go:

Look at how #adorbs she is, frolicking in the forest!
She's in the middle in pink...you can't miss her.

#trailrunnergirl is her official IG I.D.

Finishing out Saturday's workout with hill repeats.
I made her do 4 since she's 4.
She cried for a while, but it was good for her.

She thought she'd get out of Sunday's workout by wearing a costume.

Back-to-back long runs for #trailrunnergirl.
Planning ahead for AR50 next April.
I think if I push her hard enough she could be the youngest finisher in history.

Her meditative practice helps her focus
when her body is tired and she's really hungry.
I know it's just exhaustion talking when she starts screaming at me about wanting to just go home.
Kids! 

• shoe shot because it's a blog...but I'm putting a twist on it because I'm über original...

Mother-daughter shoe shot! SQUEEEEEEE!

 • and lastly, I know you wanted to see my oatmeal...it's been a while.

How many times a day to you eat oatmeal? Do you put beef in it ever? Did you know that is a real thing?

How old were you when you started running?

Do you believe giving kids an early start will help them to be more successful in sports?

Did YOU think I was serious about running CIM? 

Do you ever try recipes that people post on their blogs?

Do you ever run in virtual running events? Under what circumstances would you?

I <3 RAINBOW QUESTIONS!!!!!! 

And you really should be following me on Instagram (@milfrunner) and Twitter (@milfrunner) because then you would be seeing these photos when they are hot off the press. So much happens between my semi-monthly blog posts!

Back when I ran a lot... Part 1

I've never really thought of myself as a runner, but I did used to run a lot. When I say "a lot" I mean by normal people standards...not by psychotic running blogger standards. This is Part 1 of my runner story.

At first, I hated running. Running was punishment...off-season, cold-weather, collegiate cross-training bullshit that everyone dreaded except for the the 2 fastish people who had run cross-country in high school. When my college coach pointed out during my senior year that I was the smallest person on the team and it would behoove me to become one of the faster runners since that was probably the only way I could possibly make a favorable impression, I got really sad. Sad because I HATED running. And also a little sad that I had gone 3 years without realizing this size factor.

Now here's something that I find interesting...

We only really ran in the winter. In the snow/sleet/hail/wind/freezing cold. And there were NO TECH FABRICS. How in the fuck did we SURVIVE?????

As your base layer, you put on your cotton thermal long johns and a nice cotton t-shirt. Then you put on your super thick Champion sweatpants and a cotton turtleneck as your second layer. If you were lucky, you owned a pair of wind pants and nice, heavy Champion hoodie for your top layer. Woolen mittens or ski gloves that would chafe the fuck out of your runny nose and, perhaps, a ski hat would complete the ensemble. You looked like the Michelin Man and felt like The Mummy, but at least you started out warm. And it's getting out the door that is usually the hardest part. Things did get kind of heavy in the rain, however.

Another thing I find interesting...

There was no "building up your mileage" crap. The first land workout of the year usually went something like this:

Okay, everybody.... We're going to run NINE FUCKING MILES TODAY. Out to Turkey Hill and back. Everyone know the route? No? Well then buddy up with someone who does.

And so out we'd go on these sharply-canted, empty country roads in the near-Arctic tundra of central New York, only 2 or 3 people knowing where in the fuck we were going...and they were the fast ones who loved running and would speed off so the rest of us would wander aimlessly, guided only by the knowledge that somewhere out there past the stinky pig farm was a GIANT FUCKING HILL, the top of which would be the turnaround point. There were no Garmins or mile markers, and you couldn't carry water because it was too cold and besides, why would you carry water? what's "hydrating"? And no one ever thought to bring a snack.

Despite the complete absence of: tech fabrics, incremental mileage increases over time, and proper hydration and fueling tactics, I grew to somewhat enjoy the running. And I got better at it. Not great or even fast, but better.

But then land workouts and team runs ended. I know any running blogger worth her salt would've kept running on her own in addition to the daily 60- to 90-minute team practices. But I didn't. And that's probably why I still haven't gotten any free shit.

And that concludes Part 1 in this multi-part series.

Did you take to running immediately?

Were you forced into running?

When did you start running?

Do you work out multiple times a day on purpose?

Did you follow a good nutritional plan in college?

Did you ever wish you could be really good at something but totally felt like the deck was stacked against you?

Can you believe I still haven't gotten any free shit?

New Recipe! – KabochaCockCasserole

That's sort of a lie.

This is actually a repurposed recipe from another blog. On there, it was made with plantain purée and came out looking like a bowl full of shit. The plethora of commenters (not like here #sadface) raved about how awesome the KabochaShitCake was. The masses cannot be wrong. However...

As I mentioned before, I have an aversion to eating food that looks like shit. 

Luckily, I had just been to the BEST GROCERY STORE EVERRRRRRR where I picked up some amazeballs Spicy Italian Sausage!!!! Who doesn't LUUUVVVVV Trader Joe's? That place has EVERYTHING!!!! Have you tried the Splooge Cookie Butter? Like sweetened jizz in a jar...mmmmm...good stuff :)

So I decided I was going to make KabochaCockCasserole by tweaking the recipe just a little...

- split open a kabocha squash (which they do NOT have at TJ's...SOMEONE GET ON THAT PLEASE) and dig the seeds out (same as original recipe!),

- grate some cheese of your choosing (my awesome innovation!)

But then I remembered...

FUUUUCK. I'm kabocha-intolerant :(

and dairy-intolerant.

So I was left with this...

These are SAUSAGES...
NOT penises.
Sheesh, people...

I'd so much rather put this in my mouth.

Do we even need the fucking rainbow questions today?

How skinny jeans almost killed me.

After reading about these awesome skinny jeans, I knew I had to have some. I set off in search of, hoping to score a deal because, frankly, $179 not including our local 10% sales tax made me gag.

First place I hit up was an awesome consignment store where I've snagged sweet designer skinny jeans in the past for $15. Part of why I'm able to find these deals is because I wear a 25 or 26 (0-2) in most jeans. It's genetics. What's your excuse?

My last skinny jeans...JCrew for $15.
They didn't have the holes in the knees when I bought them.

A better shot with better contrast so you can better see my thigh gap.
It's a good one partly because I'm semi-bowlegged. Again, genetics.

In case it wasn't clearly defined in that above picture...

I found 8 pair on the rack that I was interested in. Alas, none had rockin'-cool zippers at the ankles...but truth be told, since my pair of pinstriped Guess ankle-zip jeans back in 1989, I haven't been all that partial to zippers. So feeling special because I had such a large selection and none were pricier than $20, I set to work...kicked off my flipflops and stripped down.

The first pair were super comfy. A definite maybe. Happy that they were cheap and without zippers, I proceeded to remove them. Here's where things went glaringly awry...

Because they had no zippers...

Because they were skinny...

Because I have heels on my feet...

The fucking pantleg got a little stuck on my heel. I bent over to the right a little to nudge it over the edge and something went *ping*

Ooooo...fuck. I thought as I started to stand to hang the jeans on their hanger. That wasn't good.

The straighter I stood the more I thought, Fuck. This isn't good.

Once I had the hanger on the hook, I looked at the pile of my own jeans and flipflops in the middle of the floor. All I could think was,

How in the FUCK am I going to get those on?

After a few moments of whimpering, I manned up and got dressed. Somehow I made it to my car and somehow again I drove home.  I spent the next 4 days looking at this...

The view staring straight up from my living room floor.
I imagined I was in rural village in Italy,
looking at quaint laundry drying over a quaint street.
The vicodin helped.

If I ever complain about not being able to run again, I hope someone slaps me. Try not being able to MOVE without excruciating pain. Running is gravy. Running is something we get to do if we're lucky. I have a new-found appreciation for mobility of any kind. And I will never roll my eyes EVER again when someone says they hurt their back. EVER.

P.S. if you found any of this funny, it's okay to laugh because I'll be fine. If I were not going to be fine, then laughter would be so fucked up. Isn't it weird how that works?

Epilogue: I can walk now. I can get to the bathroom almost easily. It almost doesn't hurt to sneeze. But after the chiropractor, the massage therapist, my husband taking 2 days off of work, and the upcoming physical therapy...I'm thinking $179 for jeans isn't all that bad. Fuuuuuuck.

Have you ever hurt your back?

Do you know anyone who has a "bad" back?

Do you roll your eyes when people mention their back in such a way?

Have you ever been to Italy?

Do you prefer skinny jeans with or without zippered ankles?

What size are you? 

What do you get to blame on genetics?

Do you believe in excuses?

Help me reach my goals! And vintage workout wear SALE!

I set a bunch of goals for the year back when everyone else did but a whole lot of heavy bullshit victimized me into not being able to reach any of them. I take zero responsibility for any of it.

Not only do I refuse to be held accountable for anything, but I now am going to rely on my five adoring fans (up from 3!!!! SQUEEEE!!!) to help make my #BIGDREAMS come true.

Here are my goals for the month and what you can do to make it happen for me but it's all kind of blended together so do your best to figure out which are the goals for ME and which are the directives for YOU...I don't have to write with clarity because I'M A BLOGGER:

1. RUN DISNEY!

People seem to think I'm anti-Disney because of my Goofy Challenge inquisition. I AM NOT ANTI-DISNEY. I LOVE DISNEYLAND...SEE????  (please take advantage of the extra linkings to augment my page views. I know the importance of numbers when it comes to obtaining lucrative sponsorships and free race entries). In an attempt to secure a comped entry and lodging, I've emailed Disney countless times using a variety of different email addresses and pseudonyms but the fuckers still havent replied. This feels like #CHOBANI all over again. DON'T THEY KNOW I'M ELITE???? They still have a couple of days to get back to me for the Tower Of Terror race this weekend. I'm being patient and optimistic. Feel free to email them multiple times on my behalf from all of your accounts (Hint: this is where YOU help out).

2. MAKE A COSTUME FOR DISNEY RACE!

Anyone know where to get a
matching purple glitter thong?
O, wait...that's my costume for Vegas.

What Disney character might wear a purple sparkly skirt and matching headband? I only have purple #sadface (Hint: this is where YOU help out).

3. DECLUTTER!

I have so much awesome stuff that I've accumulated over the years. My husband jokingly calls me a hoarder. He's such a kidder! LOL What an #amazeballs guy :) Anyhooooo... while going through our garage, I realized I have some great winter gear that I will not likely ever use again! My purge = YOUR binge :) #symbioticwardrobebulimia

4. MAKE SOME MONEY!

So much easier than a garage sale or eBay, you guys can buy my used stuff! I've tried giving it away and that's been moderately successful. But it seems like the same 3 people are always vying for my #usedfreeshit. Perhaps if people think it's valuable I'll get more page views #bloggyBFFs and make enough to buy a new pair of wedgie sandals or pay my airfare to Disney :) Some of these things were hardly ever worn but they all have that super coveted vintagey/mildewy aroma from being in the garage for 18 years. This stuff was really cutting edge when it was new in 1990...groundbreaking. Here it is:

Genuine vintage Nike ACG apparel.

Does Hind even exist in the world of running apparel any longer?

HOLY FUCK, MILFY! THAT IS SOME CUTE AND COLORFUL, RETRO 90'S GOODNESS! WILL WEARING IT AND WORKING OUT IN IT MAKE ME ELITE LIKE YOU?????

You betcha. Wearing old skool tech (using the term very loosely) will toughen the mind and body. And the previous wearer always imparts his/her aura of strength and dedication and speed into the fabric of the items thereby rendering them magical so that all future wearers become cumulatively more and more popular and cute and successful in all walks of life.

How much? you ask. How much for all this MAGIC????

$10 an item. Payable in rolled pennies. Just kidding. I think going auction-style is more exciting. We could pretend we're at Christie's or Sotheby's. After all, these are originals. Bids start....

NOW.

(Hint: third chance this post for YOU to assist in making my goals achieved!)

5. GET READY FOR CIM!

I know I haven't run since early February and my leg remains pretty jacked up, but I still have 8 weeks to prep. I figure if I run every other day and increase by a mile each time I run, that would be a safe training plan. I'll incorporate mile repeats in every third run and tempo in every fifth run. I've decided that I'll forgo fueling and hydration until I get over 10 miles at which point I'll start carrying a Camelback of beer (liquid carbs...two birds, one stone). I figured the buzz would help mask the pain.

6. SOLVE WORLD HUNGER!

KABOCHA, BABY. And if that's not available, we've already discussed shit as a possible option.

7. GET 10 PEOPLE TO ANSWER MY RAINBOW QUESTIONS!!!!

What is the shortest marathon training plan you used?

Have you ever sold old clothes online? Did people actually buy them?

Have you ever run with a Camelback? With beer? With both?

Would you ever buy used underpants? To wear? How about used workout bottoms in which the previous owner was known to go "commando"?

What was the funniest movie you ever saw? Tell me the funniest part!

What are you going to be for Halloween? What was your favorite costume or the best one you've ever seen?

(HINT: your cue again)