September 28, 2013

Now that I'm basically FOOD-intolerant...

I'm finding myself challenged at most meals, snack time and treats. It blows.

In case you missed it, I tested "intolerant" or "sensitive" to a bunch of foods and their derivatives ...more than I imagined was humanly possible.

I know there are bloggers who blog extensively about their food intolerances, eating disorders, diet plans, I've been gleaning their blogs for ideas on what to eat.

The problem is most of them seem to be insanely somewhat calorie-restrictive and really no fun at all.

One, in fact, makes cookies and other supposed-to-be-fun shit out of what appears to be actual shit. I can't go there. I'm needing to make do without so much just normal stuff, I need some things that look and taste NORMAL. I'm so fucking glad I'm not sugar-intolerant. Well, maybe I am. Who the fuck knows? I'm not letting them test me for that. Potatoes were the last straw for me.

Tonight I decided I needed cookies. REAL cookies. Not rolled up turds or date-paste-and-almond-balls. I modified this recipe to fit my needs. The changes I made were:

*soy-free Earth's Balance fake butter instead of real cow butter.

*1 tbs. tapioca starch + 1/4 c. warm water instead of egg or potato-based egg replacer. (I probably didn't need this addition...I think it made the cookies a little flat...which was fine but just not what one expects in a chocolate chip cookie)

*a 3-cup flour mixture that consisted of 1/2 c. sweet rice flour, 1/2 c. oat flour, 1/2 c. flaxseed meal, 1/2 c. tapioca flour, 1/2 c. millet flour and a 1/2 c. combo sweet rice/tapioca/flaxseed meal. (Tapioca might be a potato derivative...I forgot to check that. Fuck it).

*added 1 tsp Xanthan Gum.

You might think I was sponsored by Bob's Red Mill...
and that maybe they'd given me #freeshit for this post.
You would be wrong.

They turned out great. Like REAL cookies! A little on the candy-ish side and little crispier than I prefer, but no weird aftertaste or icky texture. I think if I had cooked them 10-11 minutes instead of 12, they would have been perfect.

Have you ever eaten gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free, potato free cookies? Have you ever eaten cardboard?
–I can't eat "substitute" foods that don't taste like the "real" thing. I just isn't worth it to me. But I LOVE cardboard.

Do you have any food intolerances or allergies? Are they for real or are they part of a hidden eating disorder? Or did they perhaps develop because of the damage an eating disorder did to your system?

Is the appearance of your food at all important to you?
–As long as it doesn't look like shit I'm good.

Do you like to bake? Eat baked goods?

Are you on a diet? Do you count calories and fat grams and carbs, etc.? Is it helping? How?

Have you ever been to IHOP?
All the time when I was a kid but not since 1990something. But I know they're still out there...somewhere.

If you follow me on Instagram you got to follow the whole cookie-baking adventure. Why aren't you following me on Instagram? Or FACEBOOK? OR TWITTER????? MORE...I WANT MORE.


  1. As you were making these I was baking the 'real' chocolate chip cookies because my kids begged me and you know I'm so accommodating. I actually have lots of that shit in the freezer because I was on a tear last winter to make gluten free cookies. Yeah that never happened. Good to know they turned out well.
    I am supposed to be gluten free with my thyroid issues. I heard a podcast the other day that basically said G-free couldn't be 'cheated', It was all or nothing. Bleh. I've got work to do.

    1. Once you get into the GF groove, it's not that hard. I hate "substitutes" so if it isn't like the bread or cookies or cake I'm expecting, I'd just as soon go without. I have some good product recs if you're interested.

  2. I personally like all of my food to look like poop, or at least be made out of a food that originally looked like a poop, like a squash or plantain.

    1. Whole plantain looks more like cock. When you put some coconut milk on top, the effect is complete.

  3. Sorry the weird restrictive dieting fads of bloggers is trivializing your plight. Is there gluten in jizz?

    1. No gluten in jizz and no egg in EWCM. I'm safe with both if those ;-)

  4. I have not eaten any such thing as a gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free, potato free cookies? Sounds like it might taste like cardboard...I had a GF choc cake once tho and it tasted quite yummy.

    Do you have any food intolerances or allergies? Are they for real or are they part of a hidden eating disorder? Or did they perhaps develop because of the damage an eating disorder did to your system?

    Appearance of my food is pretty important. It doesn't have to look all wanky and fahhhncy...but i appreciate the pretty on a plate.

    I prefer when others do the baking. I love to eat baked goods. Oh evil croissant...pain au chocolate. you bastard you. come let me eat you.

    I should be on a diet. I have effing clue on how to count calories. I try to restrict stupid shit like crap junk, fried foods, white breads and stuff. low fat, high fibre. Lots o veggies. I should count, I don't. Probably why i am not all skinny and looking hard as ever wearing only my bra to run in....

    What is an IHOP? It must be some American thing? Like a pancake place? Sounds like it.

    1. International House of Pancakes.

      The cookies tasted like REAL cookies.

      Your package is all ready to go. The whole customs form thing made me miss my place in line so I need to go back :( Sorry!

  5. I am thrilled that you found one recipe that can quench your palette. On the positive side, being intolerant to almost everything good means that you won't gain weight (well, if you decide to skip those things and prevent a massive stomach ache and/or worse....). On the negative doesn't leave much room for fun foods.

    Is there gluten in beer????? That would be a major downer if so.

    But seriously, hope knowing what causes you issues allows you to feel better!

  6. There's a lot of weird s#$%@ in those cookies. When flying under the radar I am free to say that I like my cookies made with white flour, white sugar, real butter and double chocolate chips -- milk chocolate too, not even the %70 cacao kind that is good for the heart. But, I'm glad these work for you ;-)

    1. You would actually like these cookies. I know. They're totally NOT like my kale chips.

  7. I had vegan cookies once. They were pretty good, but I wouldn't go through the trouble of making them myself. I'm lucky not to have any allergies so I can (and do) eat all the things. My favorite foods are really not that pretty. I leave the baking up to my sister who uses it to de-stress and loves to pass on the calories. No diet right now, but I should be since nothing fits and I don't have the money for new clothes. I might do Weight Watchers again since I find counting points less tedious than calories and it worked for me 4 years ago when I had much more to lose. And yes, I've been to IHOP. My grandparents loved it and we used to meet them there for brunch.

    1. You just had a baby. Chill out on your body, woman!


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