Now that I'm basically FOOD-intolerant...

I'm finding myself challenged at most meals, snack time and treats. It blows.

In case you missed it, I tested "intolerant" or "sensitive" to a bunch of foods and their derivatives ...more than I imagined was humanly possible.

I know there are bloggers who blog extensively about their food intolerances, eating disorders, diet plans, whatevs...so I've been gleaning their blogs for ideas on what to eat.

The problem is most of them seem to be insanely somewhat calorie-restrictive and really no fun at all.

One, in fact, makes cookies and other supposed-to-be-fun shit out of what appears to be actual shit. I can't go there. I'm needing to make do without so much just normal stuff, I need some things that look and taste NORMAL. I'm so fucking glad I'm not sugar-intolerant. Well, maybe I am. Who the fuck knows? I'm not letting them test me for that. Potatoes were the last straw for me.

Tonight I decided I needed cookies. REAL cookies. Not rolled up turds or date-paste-and-almond-balls. I modified this recipe to fit my needs. The changes I made were:

*soy-free Earth's Balance fake butter instead of real cow butter.

*1 tbs. tapioca starch + 1/4 c. warm water instead of egg or potato-based egg replacer. (I probably didn't need this addition...I think it made the cookies a little flat...which was fine but just not what one expects in a chocolate chip cookie)

*a 3-cup flour mixture that consisted of 1/2 c. sweet rice flour, 1/2 c. oat flour, 1/2 c. flaxseed meal, 1/2 c. tapioca flour, 1/2 c. millet flour and a 1/2 c. combo sweet rice/tapioca/flaxseed meal. (Tapioca might be a potato derivative...I forgot to check that. Fuck it).

*added 1 tsp Xanthan Gum.

You might think I was sponsored by Bob's Red Mill...
and that maybe they'd given me #freeshit for this post.
No.
You would be wrong.

They turned out great. Like REAL cookies! A little on the candy-ish side and little crispier than I prefer, but no weird aftertaste or icky texture. I think if I had cooked them 10-11 minutes instead of 12, they would have been perfect.

Have you ever eaten gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free, potato free cookies? Have you ever eaten cardboard?
–I can't eat "substitute" foods that don't taste like the "real" thing. I just isn't worth it to me. But I LOVE cardboard.

Do you have any food intolerances or allergies? Are they for real or are they part of a hidden eating disorder? Or did they perhaps develop because of the damage an eating disorder did to your system?

Is the appearance of your food at all important to you?
–As long as it doesn't look like shit I'm good.

Do you like to bake? Eat baked goods?

Are you on a diet? Do you count calories and fat grams and carbs, etc.? Is it helping? How?

Have you ever been to IHOP?
–All the time when I was a kid but not since 1990something. But I know they're still out there...somewhere.

If you follow me on Instagram you got to follow the whole cookie-baking adventure. Why aren't you following me on Instagram? Or FACEBOOK? OR TWITTER????? MORE...I WANT MORE.

What does "elite" even mean nowadays?

Is there an actual definition? I know this has been blogged about before, but I really don't give a shit. It's my turn to weigh in :)

I see people frequently tossing this term around in running blogs. I know many races have an "elite" corral and have specified by qualifying times who may enter the corral. Is there actually a standardized qualifying time that ALL the races use? Or is it up to each race director? 

Frankly, I feel the word is overused and the use of it confusing...as pertains to the secular running world and definitely in the blog world.

To my mind, a woman running a marathon in under 3 hours or a 5K in less that 18 minutes doesn't garner "elite" status...but I'm jaded. The elite echelon is reserved for a higher level. A runner who runs a time fast enough to qualify for the Olympic Trials is certainly elite. An athlete who earns a spot on his or her country's national team is, too, without question. But there seems to be a lot of grey area beyond that. Or maybe I was unable to find the definitive website. 

Back when I was competitive in my other sport, it was really clear. 

You became "elite" by winning a "step-up" race. Not all races were. And coming in a close second or third didn't matter. You had to WIN. There were different levels of events...junior (<18), intermediate, senior, elite, open... You could toil for years alongside already elites, challenging them and even beating them in practice or non-step-up races, but until you WON a qualifying race, you weren't technically "elite." You could even compete in an Olympic or world championships trials event without being "elite." We did not treat that word lightly. It was very defined.

Adding the term "professionalism" puts a whole 'nother twist into the mix. By professionalism I mean getting paid. Money changes the game entirely. But that's a post for a different day.

Has anyone here ever been "elite" in some arena? 

–O! ME! ME! ME!  about a billion fucking years ago. 

I'm on the right...with the skinny arms, red fingernails and a watch. 

Do you want to be "elite"?

–BTDT. Soooooo over it. It doesn't make you a better person. In fact, some of the biggest assholes I know are elite in something. Or is it a lot of the elites (or former elites) I know are the biggest assholes? Maybe both.

Are you a professional? In what?

–I'm a professional bullshit slinger. Got my $25 check from BlogHer to prove it ;-)

How do you define "elite"? Are there specific criteria? What are they?

–You have to actually defeat people in whatever it is you're doing...and not just regular people but people who are really fucking good at whatever it is you're doing. Far more selective than top 10%. Criteria changes depending on the arena.

Are you glad that Hostess is back in business? What is your favorite Hostess product?

–Hoe-MYGOD-yes! My jaw dropped and hit the dirty linoleum floor at the AMPM MiniMarket the other day when I saw the PIES! Fave = Suzy-Q's. Peel the devil's food cake off and suck the cream out. Wasn't that kind of the point of all Hostess products? To suck the cream out? They should have an ad campaign that utilizes this concept...

Does this post add to any conversation? Not sure I care. I really just felt like blabbing about something and showing off one of my national team pictures. Thank you and good night.

#disneyland #familyfun #HAPPY

I have nothing interesting to say today except that my family went to Disneyland.

A little road off to the side of I-5.
It was about a million degrees. 

Coincidentally, it was the same exact weekend as the #dumbshitdoubledare. I'm NOT implying that people who run Disney races are dumbshits so stop waving your mouse-ears at me. Nor do I wish to malign Dumbo. In fact, it could be argued that my husband and I are the dumbshits for deciding to leave for an 8-hour drive with a bunch of tired kids at 5 pm on the Friday of Labor Day weekend. Oh, and going to Disneyland in the first place... compounded by "on Labor Day weekend." Dumb.

I love this little guy.

I'm calling it #dumbshitdoubledare for reasons that have nothing to do with DISNEY or DUMBO.

It was about 100ºF. All weekend. Maybe it cooled off to 80something when the sun went down. It's a good thing people rarely actually RACE these Disney runs. But I don't think racing in the heat is inherently dumb.

Not only do people wear costumes for these races, but then some of them go to the park all day in the costume. But even that isn't all that dumb.

Walking around in a ginormous neon green and pink tutu with matching compression calf-sleeves and flipflops ALL DAY LONG is dumb. Although I guess it could be stated that they were SLEEVES and not full-on socks so beating the heat...sort of.

Then I couldn't help but notice the medals. Which is the whole point of wearing 15 medals (or at least one or three) around ALL DAY LONG. To be noticed.

Hey! look! it's Michael Phelps!
He looks like he's put on a little weight since the Olympics...
Wait! NO!!!! It's FLAVOR FLAV!!!
YEAH BOY!!!!
I obscured their faces to protect the innocent.
Poor kid in the plaid shorts...no bling :(

I'll admit it. I have a thing about finishers' medals. I think they're bogus. But that's just me, and we can still be #bloggingbesties even if you like them. Maybe. I remember tucking my medals into my top upon leaving the podium and then taking them off and putting them away upon leaving the course area.  Parading around in a medal always seemed kind of braggy to me. But I guess if you're wearing the same medal as everyone else then it isn't braggy?

Whatever...

People were wearing the medals around not just all day the day of the race but also all day THE DAY AFTER. And it was so fucking hot. I felt like I was drowning in sweat just looking at them with all that weight around their necks. On thick, heavy ribbons. Clanking like fucking Jacob Marley in The Christmas Carol, doomed to walk the earth never finding rest or peace.

So that was the super dumbest part.

I did some dumb stuff, too. Mine mostly involved reading things incorrectly.

Totally thought this said
SURPRISE CHILDREN

Totally thought this one said
CUNNILINGUS AVENAL
But then I remembered we were in Coalinga.
It was late...and I had to use the bathroom with urgency.

But also...I do not recommend doing an intestinal cleanse while on a road trip...with children to Disneyland just made it extra special. This was almost as dumb as wearing 15 lbs. of clanking shininess weighting down your neck for days on end. But not quite.

Stay tuned for my next post on how to single-handedly destroy a roadside rest stop...

BEFORE

image source
AFTER

Do you like Disneyland? What is your favorite ride?

– I do like The Magic Kingdom. My faves are a tie between It's a Small World and Space Mountain. Conflicting sides of my personality.

Have you ever done an intestinal cleanse program? How long did it last? Did it help?

– I was going to try a kabocha squash and chili flake cleanse but then I found out I am potato-intolerant... instead I'm following a 90-day program, and it's a good thing I'm not trying to run at this time.

Do you have trouble reading sometimes? What is the most egregious reading error you've ever made?

– I know you're wondering why I'm asking you about egrets.

Are you old enough to remember Flavor Flav?

– YEAH BOYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Do you race for the medals and swag? If not, why do you race?

– Unless I'm winning, I really don't want a medal. I race for the satisfaction of pushing myself and seeing what I can do in that moment. 

#htcgiveaway prizes are on their way to the lucky winners.