August 5, 2013

Wishing you could have that Hood to Coast Relay experience? Enter this giveaway!



It is the EPIC-est of all races...THE MOTHER OF ALL RELAYS FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Yes, I'm shouting because I'm fucking PISSED. And I'll bet you are, too.

This time of year we've grown to expect a ton of shit about a certain hydration company and HTC and packing lists and relay training being so different from "regular" training. Have I missed all the "Meet My Team SQUEEEE!" posts? Maybe the relay cyberwaves have been so fucking saturated with Ragnar shit that I was blinded by that excitement...or put to sleep by it? There's like a BILLION fucking Ragnars...but only ONE #HTCRelay, goddammit.

I wonder if that hydration company's focus is no longer on generating bloggy buzz (since they ARE the HTC official hydration product) but more on winning the deal? I wonder if everyone on their teams is afraid to post anything for fear of being branded a sell-out or ridiculed on SnarkfestOnTheInternet? Or maybe they've been instructed to keep all things HTC quieter than in years past and really amp the fuck out of that they are the official Ragnar hydration sponsor, too? In any event, the HTC vibe is suspiciously down low.

I know that the company is fielding three teams...two of bloggers that were listed on the company blog and one that is emphasizing superspeed, was not listed on the company blog and is not being very openly discussed. I wonder if they're trying for the "surprise factor"? The third team has 4 Nuun HTC returnees...all fast. It has a bunch of runners who wear The Bird shit. It has runners who've been to the Olympic Trials and barely missed going to The Games. A 32-minute 10K'er and at least one sub 16-minute 5K'er. Several sub 3-hour marathoners. They will probably finish with a 6:15 average pace. They will probably win. And they don't even have to shill the product OR sparkle. What a fucking gyp.


I'm offering YOU a chance to simulate your own version of @HTCRelay with my #amazeballs, fucking kick-ass, #awesomesauce giveaway.

So whether your video application was rejected or you're camera shy or you'd just rather win MY contest and run at home from the comfort of your own driveway, this baby is for YOU.

All you need is a car and some water to mix with the hydration tablets that shall not be named and a timer (#GYMBOSS anyone?) to let you know when 8-9 hours have passed and it's time for your runnyrunrun. A sleeping bag and a pillow will make you more comfy and grabbing a couple of friends...or better yet, a few random strangers...will further authenticate the experience.


And if you don't win this time, remember...there's always... yeah...nevermind. (That's an inside joke for people who actually watched that brilliant featured video. Go back and watch it if you want to be "in the know")

This giveaway includes all the #freeshit in the photo below:

A. TigerTail massage stick (worth the giveaway by could just throw all the other shit away)
B. Hood to Coast t-shirt, women's medium
C. crappy sunglasses
D. official Hood to Coast hand-off slap bracelet
E. hydration company stickers to put all over your neighborhood's vehicles...unsuspecting vehicular tatting
F. official Hood to Coast timing chip
G. Advil...great for using during your personal relay AND for your private after-party
H. Builder's 20gm Protein Bar to keep your energy level lasting. It is expired but only recently.
1. RUN OR DIE bracelet...I just can't get behind this obsessive mentality
J. GU's to jack you up for each leg
K. Sunscreen...because it's the safe thing to do
L. Yanks elastic shoe laces so that you don't need to tie and untie between legs...especially handy in the dark
N. Black headband
O. Glittery shit to customize your headband's sparkle
P. Artisan-made Garmin Wrist Protector
Q. Sparkly turquoise ribbon to staple to your shorts' waistband, creating a sparkly skirt effect
R. Emergency reflective blanket

Some of you will be disappointed to know and others of you will be delighted to know that the above hydration product IS included in the giveaway. I really don't like those flavors AND will not be needing an electrolyte product anytime soon so I'm unloading. Fucked but true on all counts.

Included but not pictured:
  • three gallon-size ziploc bags for your stanky ass gear
  • baby wipes for your stanky ass body

You'll need to provide: a headlamp and reflective vest for those runs between the hours of 6 p.m. and 7 a.m., your own Moving Comfort sports bra, your own PickyBars, and your own Chobani (those fuckers still haven't contacted me).

Run Happy. Run Fast.

This giveaway is open until Saturday, August 10, 2013 at midnight. Leave a comment containing pertinent information below to enter. Entries will be unfairly weighted by the following criteria:
  • how cute are you? Are you willing to #sparkle?
  • how much liquor can you consume in an outing? 
  • is a stroller used in training?
  • have you ever been injured? Stress fractures due to overtraining get you double points!
  • are you a #motherrunner
  • are you #inspirational?
  • are you #soblessed?
  • have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
  • every tweet and Facebook Share gives you more #KLOUT...up to one a day...comment daily to ensure receiving credit
  • follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to boost your suck-up score
  • did you find any part of this offensive? If you made it this far and answered YES to this question, you just increased your chance of #winning!!!!!
Pretty awesomeballs, I know.


You've gotta play to win.

Disclaimer: you really don't want to know how or where I got all this shit. But I guarantee it's not stolen or diseased or unclean in anyway. No one paid me to say any of this...I received no compensation for this post or this giveaway. Ummmm....what else? Hmmmm...oh...I don't care if you live outside the USA or are a guy, anyone can enter. Good luck to all three of you. And I swear this giveaway is legit.




    1. I'm about to do a pictorial post comparing mine to Kate Upton's so DO NOT LEAVE YOUR COMPUTER.

      I notice you're not tweeting the fuck out of this contest. That's how badly you want to win. Everyone else should take note. Except they aren't reading it BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW IT EXISTS!!!!! If you DO win, I'll include some Chobani.

  2. Um. You are hilarious. I love it!

    I should probably win because I #runhappy #runsexy #runatall #hatehashtags #soblessed #amsosparkly #hateanyonewhohashtagsovertheageof13

    ps- I don't even care if I win, I just love your blog.

    1. I love it that you say you love it even though I know you're sucking up super hard cuz you have your eye on that expired Builder's Bar.

  3. LOL! My favorite: "oh...I don't care if you live outside the USA or are a guy, anyone can enter." Is everyone on the fast team also a blogger? I think it would be more legit/impressive if the hydration company that shall not be named actually put together a mixed team. The Women's Open really wasn't all that competitive last year, the one fast team, "Girls just want to have fun" averaged 6:48 pace and then my team with an average of 7:36. In the past there have been some more impressive times, but rarely are all top 5 teams under 24 hours (and in my opinion, that's the measure of legit versus hobby). Good on them if they win it, but damn, with that caliber if they don't the internet might explode with whininess.

    1. Yeah, given who they have on the team, they really SHOULD win. But we know how that sometimes goes. Embarrassingly. They aren't all bloggers...there are 8 "bloggers", I think, and not all are that active. Some have official websites because they're big time players. I just hope no one tries to cheat and ends up OD'ing on Benadryl.

  4. Oh how I've missed your posts. Like, seriously, I've been so dang busy I've just missed them. That video? I die. Awesomeballs. Then again, I believe #amazeballs is the correct blogger word you're looking for. :)

    - How cute are you? I am so flippin' cute you're willing to let me sleep on your couch instead of the street. yep, that cute.
    - Are you willing to #sparkle? Do my odds increase or decrease if I tell you I have no less than 11 sparkly skirts.
    - How much liquor can you consume in an outing? How much will be available?
    - Is a stroller used in training? It is for those serious mother runners. I, on the other hand, am trying to run away from my teenagers, so hells to the no on that one.
    - Have you ever been injured? No stress fractures, but strained inguinal ligament and labral tears in both hips, strained calves, fractured rib, rotator cuff injuries. Name some random body part. I've probably injured it.
    - Are you a #motherrunner? Correction, that would be a badass mother runner
    - are you #inspirational? More like #fitspirational
    - are you #soblessed? is it #blessed #soblessed or #blissed I'm not dead and I can still run. That's about as good as I got.
    - have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? Um, no. I just eat a lot. Mr Running It says I fake the clean eating well. Then I can go through snacks/junk like a freight train.

    - follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to boost your suck-up score. So how does being your personal stalker up the suck-up score?

    1. And you have buff arms. That gives you #extrapoints.

    "how cute are you? Are you willing to #sparkle?"

    I'm as cute as the back side of Rush Limbaugh's ball sack. So clearly I sparkle because I am a closet case with the sparkle from the nickel man whore's tube top stuck in my sack!

    "how much liquor can you consume in an outing?"

    I haven't died from alcohol poisoning yet so....more?

    "is a stroller used in training?"

    I only carry my set of abortions in a jar in my stroller on Tuesdays. With Morrie .He's my abortionist...and occasionally, the reason for my abortion.

    "have you ever been injured? Stress fractures due to overtraining get you double points!"

    Yes! Mostly due to being fat though.

    "are you a #motherrunner"

    I'm a #motherfucker

    "are you #inspirational?"

    I wiped my own ass today, so yes.

    "are you #soblessed?"


    "have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?"

    Does the fact that I can house 15 pizzas while fucking a donkey count as an eating disorder or some weird sexual addiction thingfishy?

    Also, the only thing that offends me is that lack of nudity in this post. LAME

    1. I already posted my nude ass on Twitter. Of course twitter is dead (see above).

  6. I am pint-sized which makes me extremely cute. There is less surface area to #sparkle but not to worry - I will be blindingly sparkly if needed.

    I can consume as much liquor as you are buying me. Being vertical is not a part of the deal.

    So far a stroller has not been used in training, however, stoprunningdad informed me that there are dog strollers - so I'll be right on that like white on rice.

    I have been injured multiple times on the same stupid foot - fractured navicular bone #FTW

    I'm a #dogmotherrunner

    I'm #inspirational but mostly to the under 5 crowd. After they outgrow me, they aren't quite as in awe.

    I will be #soblessed if I win that tiger tail. I mean really. For my injury-prone body!

    I have only ever suffered from an overeating disorder. Let's make that present tense.

    I am already stalking you on Twitter and IG. I am basically obsessed with your #extralonghashtags

    I am offended that you aren't providing me a moving comfort bra. WHAT KIND OF H2C GIVEAWAY IS THIS?!

    1. If you can make do with a 32DD then I'll give you one of mine. #USEDFREESHIT!!!!!!


    but who am i to say anything, i haven't run in 5 months. maybe this'll be my asskicking that i need. i didn't bother reading the entry criteria, i just assume i'm going to win this based off of AWESOMENESS.

    1. didn't even need to post a comment. For the first time ever, I actually DID get your entry telepathically. Definitely ups your score a little.

  8. how cute are you? Are you willing to #sparkle? Not very, I'm old and bitter
    how much liquor can you consume in an outing? ??
    is a stroller used in training? Nope, my kids were not invited
    have you ever been injured? Stress fractures due to overtraining get you double points! Yup
    are you a #motherrunner Im a mom and I run...
    are you #inspirational? see #1
    are you #soblessed? aren't we all??
    have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? unfortunately
    every tweet and Facebook Share gives you more #KLOUT...up to one a day...comment daily to ensure receiving credit
    follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to boost your suck-up score
    did you find any part of this offensive? If you made it this far and answered YES to this question, you just increased your chance of #winning!!!!!

    1. I'm so pissed at you. I need to know more and your blogger profile is sadly lacking. For instance, WHY DID YOU ENTER???? you are old and bitter. You won't #sparkle. You aren't #inspirational. You must be in it for the nuun. SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!!!!!!

    2. What do you want to know? I'm an open book. ;) The nuun? No. The last time I drank nuun was at a super hard marathon, and I threw it back up into my cup. You should have seen the volunteers' face. Poor girl. Spit-up dripping off my chin is not a good luck. I didn't even PR. I'm willing to give it another chance, but I really need the Tiger Tail. NEED IT.

  9. *I would not say my 45yr old fabulousness is cute, but yeh. I fuckin #sparkle. I allso sweat liquid awesome.
    *I can prob consume a lotta booze. BACK IN THE DAY i was a lush. Now i run too much and rarely knowck back the old bottle of wine a night. On occasion my bitter old lady ass can knock back a half bottle of tequila. Or a bottle or two of wine or bubbles.
    *If you have kids or friends with kids a stoller is amazeballs for training. Esp if said friend with kiddos convinces YOU to be the one pushing it up the friggin hill.
    * I have been injred. NASTY sprained ankle (a cyclist knocked me off the run path)
    *I am not a #motherrunner if it means i had to breed. I have been called a MUTHArunner tho
    *Some of my pals say I am #inspirational. Getting off my fat ass and losing close to 50 pounds and running my arse off litterally makes it appear that way. Also perhaps running a half marathon in freeing temps and a foot of snow might also be deemed that.
    *Ab-soFUCKING-lutely i am #soblessed. I am alive. I can run. I feel fanf'ntastic (see note re losing 40+ pounds and now feeling FAB)
    *I think I could say was borderline disordery in highschool. Dabbled in duretics and thought my 5ft9 120 pound from was fat...still sturggle with body issues. #WorkingOnIt

  10. I shared on FB. cant for the life of me figure out how to post the frigging link. FFS.
    but i shared publically. AND tagged you innit. Maybe some of my sketchy pals will do the same. Or not and i will win

  11. I follow you on Twitter (@crantina)

  12. I tweeted too.

  13. followup to some of what you wrote.....

    totally noticed the chattiness of the omg I am doing HTC is not like last year with many of the bloggers. Wondered what was up...i mean if i was given a free trip and graft I would tweet/shill/blab totally. Does that make me a whore?

  14. I want to win all of the things that are not stickers for a hydration product. amen and goodnight.

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