What I did this weekend ... and why I don't wear triangle tops.

OheMGeee. I'm sooooo sorry I haven't posted in a long time, dear readers. I hope you all can forgive me. I feel sooooo badly when I miss a day or two...or 69. You all are the best...even you Ukrainian pornfiends who skew my page views something fierce...actually, fuck you. STOP COMING HERE. IT WILL JUST DISAPPOINT YOU AND THE NUMBERS ARE MESSING WITH MY EGO. ***that was directed at the sexogo.ru and fuklady.ru kinds of visitors ONLY...everyone else, keep coming!***

Anywhooooo...I've had a lot going on this past weekend, what with following the #nuunhtc twitterfeed and IG, and I'm really tired. Truly EXHAUSTED actually. I think it's mostly emotional exhaustion from #teamcherrylimeade not winning the race. Thank goodness I'm not doing spin classes and daily Bikram and training for a marathon in addition to sitting around on my ass or it might take me weeks to recover. What that means, though, is that I have no energy to even blog. But I'm going to channel my inner blognerd and make it happen. #diggingdeep.

Let me just say that I am so glad it's okay to copy other people.

I was #soinspired by a post the other day but was hesitant to give my version lest it come across as copycatting. But then this girl talked about copying someone else. Given that she has an über popular blog, she must be doing things right. **confession: I copied her with the rainbow questions...shhhh**

I'll set the stage...

It was a glorious weekend.

VERY SUNNY

Since I wasn't running in the Hood to Coast Relay (with Nuun or otherwise), I decided to make Friday a Vitamin D Day.

From reading that previously referenced top-notch fitness blog, I learned how to do the personal bikini fashion shoot. It's all strategic. ***note: taking strategic shots is a lot more difficult when they're #SELFIES***

I don't do triangle tops either. This is why...

source
I END UP EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

It gets awkward at the community pool or even in the backyard...kids running around, etc.

How about you?

– Do you wear triangle tops? Why or why not?

– Do you wax? How dramatically? Does it hurt?

– Why do YOU think #teamcherrylimeade didn't win? Do you care?

– Have you ever run in a relay? Which one(s)?  *copied that question from a million other blogs*

– Have you ever run a race in a triangle top? How about in a bikini? Crocs?

– What do you do when you are exhausted? Do you take a rest day? 


YAY!!! THE RAINBOW QUESTIONS ARE BACK!!!!!

and P.S. – I've bolded all the key #goodbloggin' phrases and words contained in this post so take note. Feel free to use them or copy me any time.

I may NOT EVER get to try kabocha squash :(

This is not some kind of comical rant.

This is not some awesome #freeshit giveaway.

THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT, YOU GUYS.

I've been having a lot of inflammation issues lately, and I was at a loss. I had been feeling GREAT when I dropped all that weight due to eating nothing. All that greatness had me I thinking I might actually be able to start running again in September.

Then I started eating again.

Just regular stuff. Healthful regular stuff.

After a few weeks of eating, I started getting all inflamed. Migraines, muscle tightness that burned and had me hobbling along like the fucking Crooked Man down the crooked lane. Bloated (not just fat, okay). My cycle was getting all whacked. There's more...but I'll spare you.

I'd been through this before several years ago, and it was recommended that I go on a cleanse. And it worked. And in that process I learned that gluten and dairy and eggs and I are not really friends. It has been over a year since I've had any of those three things. WHICH WAS TORTURE. Now I'm used to it.

My previous experience led me to believe food might be the culprit again. But what? Seriously. WHAT? I AM ALREADY WORKING WITH A SEVERELY LIMITED FOOD PALATE, PEOPLE.

I went to my doctor and said, "Doc...help a girl out." I went on to say that based on my near-starvation experience, I was leaning toward some kind of food being the cause since resuming eating appeared to have sparked the inflammation. She agreed and ran some tests.

The results:

Stop eating potato and fish.

All things potato and all things fish.

I love my tilapia :(

And kabocha is on the list...and I never even got to try it.


Mutherfucker.

It's looking like that Dragon Warrior Diet might be happening again.

It's really going to take me a while to process missing out on the kabocha craze.



The giveaway. Right. You people and your constant grubbing for #freeshit... Because it's MY giveaway on MY blog, I'm doing things however the fuck I please. In light of that declaration, Becci wins the TigerTail, so she needs to give me her mailing info. Since she can't stomach Nuun, that goes to someone else. All the shit besides the TigerTail will be divided unequally amongst the first three contestants to email me via the contact page info. And anyone else who entered and emails me will get some other awesome random crap I have lying around. We're moving and I need to clear shit out. Thanks for playing. And remember...there's always next time.

Sunday Seven

Okay, I'm still not ready to announce the winner of the not-so-hotly contested #HTCRelay giveaway. I'm shuffling around in my slippy-slips feeling sorry for my unpopular self. ONLY SIX PEOPLE ENTERED :( It would have only been FIVE, but I let RoseRunner in after closing because she's seen me half naked in real life. I should have asked for application videos. I probably would have had a much higher number of entrants because every blogger worth his or her #Chobani loves prancing about on video, especially given the chance of scoring more #FREESHIT! Although I guess the low turnout is probably more indicative of the fact that bloggers are tapped the fuck out on #HTCRelay and #nuun. I should have gone #Ragnar.

But I digress.  every blogger says that, right? it's part of the The Blogger Credo...Thou shalt digress and then state thou beist digressing.

It's been awhile since I've followed proper blogger format, and I'm really not into it tonight but it's been over a week since I posted and y'all might worry that I'm disappearing again (LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT, I KNOW) so here we go with some Good Blogger alliteration because it's easy and people fucking LOVE alliteration.

Seven random "best" things on Sunday. Cool.

1. Best Belt Buckle I saw all week

you know...like on the airplane?
if you have trouble inflating the life vest,
just BLOW into the
INFLATION TUBE.
GET IT???

2. Best use of sad puppydog eyes 

My son trying to get me to buy him A FIVE DOLLAR ICE CREAM SANDWICH.

CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?

You could buy a pound of bacon, cook it the fuck up,
peel off the top cookie layer of a regular ice cream sandwich,
PUT ALL OF THAT POUND OF BACON IN THERE,
squish it back together all for LESS THAN 5 fucking dollars.

I said "NO."

And if you follow me on INSTAGLOAT you would have already been exposed to those photojournalistic gems. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???? CLICK THAT LINK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

3. & 4. & 5. 

Best Weight-Gain Journey Photos

I went on a stress-induced fast 

and dropped about 15 lbs. simply by not eating.

Imagine that!

And over the past 8 weeks, I've gained it back and then some.

Thank you, avocados and macadamias.

also before I cleaned the bathroom mirror

Same jeans with about 10 lbs more ass packed in there.

Another 2.5 lbs in each boob and
the remaining 5 slathered evenly around the midsection.

6. Best condom ad my husband shared with me

7. Best link friend sent me 

I saw this commercial and just kept going

WOW! WOW! WOW!

amazing honda commercial

I'll try to remember to announce the winners tomorrow, but that would mean posting two days in a row. I know what you're saying...

Bitch, you just phoned that shit in today. Doesn't even count. You were all gonna post every mutherfucking day no matter what. You suck. 

And you know what I say?

Yep.

Do you ever post just to post and not really give a shit what you've written? Do you think people know? Do you care? 

Wishing you could have that Hood to Coast Relay experience? Enter this giveaway!

WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING POSTS ABOUT HOOD TO COAST????

AM I JUST NOT READING THE RIGHT BLOGS????

It is the EPIC-est of all races...THE MOTHER OF ALL RELAYS FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Yes, I'm shouting because I'm fucking PISSED. And I'll bet you are, too.

This time of year we've grown to expect a ton of shit about a certain hydration company and HTC and packing lists and relay training being so different from "regular" training. Have I missed all the "Meet My Team SQUEEEE!" posts? Maybe the relay cyberwaves have been so fucking saturated with Ragnar shit that I was blinded by that excitement...or put to sleep by it? There's like a BILLION fucking Ragnars...but only ONE #HTCRelay, goddammit.

I wonder if that hydration company's focus is no longer on generating bloggy buzz (since they ARE the HTC official hydration product) but more on winning the deal? I wonder if everyone on their teams is afraid to post anything for fear of being branded a sell-out or ridiculed on SnarkfestOnTheInternet? Or maybe they've been instructed to keep all things HTC quieter than in years past and really amp the fuck out of Ragnar...now that they are the official Ragnar hydration sponsor, too? In any event, the HTC vibe is suspiciously down low.

I know that the company is fielding three teams...two of bloggers that were listed on the company blog and one that is emphasizing superspeed, was not listed on the company blog and is not being very openly discussed. I wonder if they're trying for the "surprise factor"? The third team has 4 Nuun HTC returnees...all fast. It has a bunch of runners who wear The Bird shit. It has runners who've been to the Olympic Trials and barely missed going to The Games. A 32-minute 10K'er and at least one sub 16-minute 5K'er. Several sub 3-hour marathoners. They will probably finish with a 6:15 average pace. They will probably win. And they don't even have to shill the product OR sparkle. What a fucking gyp.

Whatevs.

I'm offering YOU a chance to simulate your own version of @HTCRelay with my #amazeballs, fucking kick-ass, #awesomesauce giveaway.

So whether your video application was rejected or you're camera shy or you'd just rather win MY contest and run at home from the comfort of your own driveway, this baby is for YOU.

All you need is a car and some water to mix with the hydration tablets that shall not be named and a timer (#GYMBOSS anyone?) to let you know when 8-9 hours have passed and it's time for your runnyrunrun. A sleeping bag and a pillow will make you more comfy and grabbing a couple of friends...or better yet, a few random strangers...will further authenticate the experience.

MY FAVORITE HTC VIDEO –




And if you don't win this time, remember...there's always... yeah...nevermind. (That's an inside joke for people who actually watched that brilliant featured video. Go back and watch it if you want to be "in the know")

This giveaway includes all the #freeshit in the photo below:

A. TigerTail massage stick (worth the giveaway by itself...you could just throw all the other shit away)
B. Hood to Coast t-shirt, women's medium
C. crappy sunglasses
D. official Hood to Coast hand-off slap bracelet
E. hydration company stickers to put all over your neighborhood's vehicles...unsuspecting vehicular tatting
F. official Hood to Coast timing chip
G. Advil...great for using during your personal relay AND for your private after-party
H. Builder's 20gm Protein Bar to keep your energy level lasting. It is expired but only recently.
1. RUN OR DIE bracelet...I just can't get behind this obsessive mentality
J. GU's to jack you up for each leg
K. Sunscreen...because it's the safe thing to do
L. Yanks elastic shoe laces so that you don't need to tie and untie between legs...especially handy in the dark
M. HYDRATE, MUTHERFUCKERS!
N. Black headband
O. Glittery shit to customize your headband's sparkle
P. Artisan-made Garmin Wrist Protector
Q. Sparkly turquoise ribbon to staple to your shorts' waistband, creating a sparkly skirt effect
R. Emergency reflective blanket


Some of you will be disappointed to know and others of you will be delighted to know that the above hydration product IS included in the giveaway. I really don't like those flavors AND will not be needing an electrolyte product anytime soon so I'm unloading. Fucked but true on all counts.

Included but not pictured:

• three gallon-size ziploc bags for your stanky ass gear
• baby wipes for your stanky ass body

You'll need to provide: a headlamp and reflective vest for those runs between the hours of 6 p.m. and 7 a.m., your own Moving Comfort sports bra, your own PickyBars, and your own Chobani (those fuckers still haven't contacted me).

Run Happy. Run Fast.

This giveaway is open until Saturday, August 10, 2013 at midnight. Leave a comment containing pertinent information below to enter. Entries will be unfairly weighted by the following criteria:

• how cute are you? Are you willing to #sparkle?
• how much liquor can you consume in an outing? 
• is a stroller used in training?
• have you ever been injured? Stress fractures due to overtraining get you double points!
• are you a #motherrunner
• are you #inspirational?
• are you #soblessed?
• have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
• every tweet and Facebook Share gives you more #KLOUT...up to one a day...comment daily to ensure receiving credit
• follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to boost your suck-up score
• did you find any part of this offensive? If you made it this far and answered YES to this question, you just increased your chance of #winning!!!!!

Pretty awesomeballs, I know.

Enter.

You've gotta play to win.

Disclaimer: you really don't want to know how or where I got all this shit. But I guarantee it's not stolen or diseased or unclean in anyway. No one paid me to say any of this...I received no compensation for this post or this giveaway. Ummmm....what else? Hmmmm...oh...I don't care if you live outside the USA or are a guy, anyone can enter. Good luck to all three of you. And I swear this giveaway is legit.

Training update...because every little bit counts

I wanted to share my last workout.

It was a memorable 1.8-mile bike ride a little over a week ago.

I had really been on a roll with those elliptical workouts. Of course that's always when tragedy strikes. Too much shit going on. All these fucking kids. Summer vacation. You know the drill. I could do the whole self-deprecating #motherrunner thing. A little self-flagellation because I've missed some key workouts which will prevent me from fulfilling my #BIGDREAMS which I've #DARED2DREAM. Sadly, I've had to keep that #IRUNTHISBODY t-shirt in the drawer. Usually it's lack of interest, but my family's schedule and a medical procedure have been running my body this past week.

So about the bike ride...

My plan was to jump on the bike and whizz around our neighborhood for 20-30 minutes. Get a rhythm, break a sweat...that sort of thing. As luck would have it, my kids were #soinspired by my enthusiasm that they wanted to join in.

Even the 4-year old.

it's almost an #asspic of me.
you can tell she's going to be cooperative.

She can't ride a two-wheeler yet but we now have one of those hook-on bike deals. She LOVES it. I dread it. I knew there was a reason why I skipped this purchase with all the other kids. What a fucking NIGHTMARE. She likes to slalom while I'm riding straight, slamming her body from side to side. It is one mutherfucker of a core workout. It took us 20 minutes to go 1.8 miles. If you snorted in contemptuous disgust when I posted that workout on DailyMile, fuck you.

The next day I had some treatment for my condition that has been preventing me from running and is just a real bitch to deal with in general. I kind of wish it were a stress fracture or ripped hamstring... something get-better-able and recover-from-able. Not only do you get to spend post after post analyzing WHY it happened, but injuries like that garner lots of sympathy and are accompanied by some good drama in addition to ultimately healing and allowing you to run again. You not only get to whine about the injury while it's hurting, but you get to whine about the boring fucking rehab AND then blog extensively about your #comebackjourney and maybe even apply for the #nuunHTC team.

Pretend I didn't say any of that. I don't want to fuck up my chances in the event I do get better.

Do you have a bike?
Ever try Nuun? Hate it or love it?
What's the worst thing that's ever happened to your body?

Going with primary colors for our questions this time. If I get three people to answer all three questions in the comments below, I'll have another giveaway! So tempting, I know!