Not everyone's a winner.

DUM DUM DUM DUM

This is not U7 rec soccer. Or Nike Women's Marathon.

NOT EVERYONE'S A WINNER.

#truth

Sometimes we are losers. It doesn't mean we're bad people. And it doesn't mean we won't ever be winners. It just means that this time around

YOU ARE A LOSER.

Today's winners in The Great Used-but-not-Dirty Socks Giveaway of 2013 are –

Melissa gets the green used socks.

Miss Zippy the Scoffer gets the yellow, but if she fails to pony up her address by Monday then I'm sending them to someone else.

The Canadian who flies under the radar gets my old FoxRiver socks because Canadians have been given The Giveaway Shaft for far too long. Fuck the Rules of International Deprivation of #Freeshit.

La Petite is getting something if she sends me her home address, social security number, mother's maiden name, names of first pet and favorite teacher, and the name of her bank just because she is tiny and cute and has to cope with migraines. And I was kidding about all that info except the first thing OF COURSE.

Marie gets the slippery mess. Just in case the circle jerk doesn't work out.

So all of you winners need to tell me where you LIVE! Muahhahahahahahahahah! I will then be able to GoogleEarth you and set up surveillance and order 16 extra large pepperoni pizzas to be sent to your house and scary shit like that – in addition to sending you some old socks. Or you could play it the paranoid safe way and send me your WORK address. Then I could do extremely embarrassing shit to you at your workplace. Like send you a huge translucent purple dildo in non-discrete packaging via courier and pay them to open it for you to make sure it isn't damaged upon receipt. (NOT A USED ITEM FROM MY STASH, BY THE WAY, SO DON'T GET ALL WEIRD ON ME–IT'S A FUCKING HYPOTHETICAL, Y'ALL).

And hey – don't worry if you weren't a winner this time around or haven't ever been a winner, chances are you will at some point win something somewhere someday. Possibly. Or not.

What's the coolest thing (as in money or an item) you've ever won?

It's a toss-up between a) a lawsuit [but the consequences of the reason I filed suit created a bigger loss than my winnings] and b) a string of Santa lights I won in a present game one year at Christmas.

Did you win on merit or skill? Or was it random or by whim?

Skill, baby. Always skill.