March 28, 2013



I'm NOT complaining – but STILL no free shit.

Thus, here we are with another used free shit review and giveaway.


a DIY tutorial on how to make your own in the event you do not win any free shit in this giveaway.

And THAT'S why my blog is better than YOURS.

I give the power to the people.

Remember that when it comes time to vote.  

Today I am reviewing the awesome Garmin Wrist Protector.

Neatly designed and crafted to provide a layer of protection between my bony wrist and the hard plastic of the fucking HUGE device. Cushioned and absorbent, the Garmin Wrist Protector is a must-have for long or sweaty runs. Comfortable, one-size-fits-most, versatile, affordable – EVERYBODY NEEDS ONE OF THESE FUCKERS!

This time everyone's a winner. All 10 readers of this fabulous blog have a chance to win one of their very own! And there is actually an eleventh because of the DIY part bring a friend!

Here's the DIY part –

Ingredients: one old, holey sweat sock

 Tools: pair of scissors

Time required: 7 seconds! How fucking easy is that?????

Giving away a little fashion secret –

You can use any kind of sock you want! It doesn't even have to be a sweat sock! Or white! Or HOLEY!

So who wants one of these pre-made babies? No risk of bodily injury because you don't need to wield the scissors yourself.

Leave a comment to enter this giveaway. If you post a link to your Nuun Hood to Coast application you get a double entry. Of course then you open yourself up to my sure-to-be-highly-inappropriate commentary on your app. But to win one of these Garmin Wrist Protectors – 

#WORTH IT!!!!!

You can submit your entering comment through Sunday, March 31, 2013 at midnight PDT.

Disclosure: there are no rules for this giveaway. Anyone can enter. I'll even send one to Coach Dion in South Africa. No one gave me these. The idea is my own. I am beholden to no one. The authorities can come hunt me down if I'm in violation of any international trade agreements. Whatevs.

March 20, 2013

The Hottest News in RunningBlogLand...

From what I'm seeing on Twitter, everybody's doing it.

I'm getting a little worried about Betty.

Anyone out there intending to apply for the Nuun Hood to Coast Relay Blogger Bonanza? I can't wait to see the creative work you people put out there for this.

Will your application be funny, cute, or "edgy"? No one will admit to "boring as shit" or "completely uninspired drivel," will they? But we know they're out there.

March 17, 2013

I could give you a fake race report...

Because I didn't run a race. And as someone mentioned somewhere recently, race reports are kind of the bread and butter of the running blog. Don't think I don't wish I had a race report to give you, because I really wish I did. But I'm not going to be some kind of psychobitch who seriously fucks her shit up by running with a significant body issue. More on that soon. So instead, I'll give you this late-breaking update to our saga

I refuse to be a Betty ever again.

Been there, done that. Got the badass label tattooed on my seriously injured, foolish, self-destructive ass to prove it.

Hope all my racing readers out there in BloggyLand weren't too inspiring and badass this weekend. Hope y'all ran smart and strong and fast, and had a blast. That's what the game is really all about.

March 15, 2013

The Saga Continues: Boston-bound Betty gets some tough news

Has this ever happened to you?

Training is humming along. You've been working hard – logging numbers you never imagined both in terms of speed and distance. You're feeling pretty awesome and invincible – except for that niggling twinge in your lower leg. And the hot spot on the outside edge of your foot. And the uncomfortable tightness running the entire length of your thigh. And well, you're just fucking tired all. the. time.

It's probably just that point in the training cycle, right?

It'll pass, you tell yourself. Just eat some more chia and keep pounding the Chobani. Just gotta make it to race day.

If so, you can certainly relate to poor Betty.

In case you missed the first installment, go here.

What and when are you racing next? 
–nevaahhhhhhhhh! my leg died and went to heaven. i am attempting a resurrection. i'll let you know how it goes. so far, so good – but still can't run yet.

Are you hurting at all?
–not as much as when I was running and not all the time anymore. but yes, it still hurts.

How's training going?
–bahahahahahahah! but i've been making some wicked awesome casseroles lately ;-)

Have you ever eaten marshmallows for breakfast (not like in Lucky Charms...the big fat ones)?
–i will try this tomorrow. i found them in the cupboard about an hour ago. they're a few years old but so chock full o' preservative goodness that they never go bad, right? i'll sprinkle some chia and flaxmeal on them to counterbalance any negative breakfast chakra they might contain. or maybe i'll put some in my oatmeal.


Remember to follow MILF Runner on Twitter and Facebook so you don't miss a thing. Because that would be fucking tragic.

March 14, 2013

Spank me, I've been a bad blogger.

How dare I let a whole WEEK go by without a single fucking post? Especially after my awesomeballzzzzz first comic strip? Cardinal rule after photo-ing all bloggy meet-ups while eating froyo covered in chia until you puke has to be


People will worry about you. They will be so sad. They NEED your post in their day.

Or is it that people nowadays have no attention span. They really don't give a shit about you unless you are all up in their fucking kool-aid every single day – favorite flavor or not.

Where have you been, MILF Runner? you ask.

Yeah! you say. And where are my mutherfuckin' socks, bitch? And that runner's lube shit?



I have a lot of kids, and they almost ALL GOT SICK last week. And then I got sick. It was puking and fever sick. Except for me. I am not a puker. I did enough of that freshman year in college to seriously last me a LIFETIME. I was lucky. Instead of vomiting, I got this totally rad rash with my fever. Needless to say, y'all were not a priority. And as much as it pains me to say it (not really), my kids come before this.


Just because I'm not putting out doesn't mean I'm not thinking about putting out. Here's the first installment:

March 5, 2013

I made a comic... honor of the fact that I still haven't gotten any free shit.

Except for the reject free shit that this lady sent me. Mind you, I enjoy used free shit and can't wait to try it out, but it did smack of the whole "I think this cottage cheese is rancid – try it!" thing.

Here's what cements the racket-ness of this whole blogging bullshit in my mind:

All because of MY post about free shit, another blogger who used my idea and linked my post was sent the very free shit I mentioned that she didn't even want! Maybe they felt sorry for her because she runs too fast. I love that she also found it laughable and ridiculous. But still no free shit for me.

My thoughts at this point?

Many thanks to Gourmet Runner for the creative inspiration.

I wish I had some red and white sneakers.

Did you miss my tutorial on spectating? Better check it out so you don't screw it up.

March 4, 2013

A Few Quick Spectating Pointers

In this briefing, I will briefly touch on a few brief topics that will, in brief, help make spectating a more effective and pleasurable experience.

Remember, the whole point of the activity is for the runners to know you are there supporting them.

  • yell loudly"o, hey! go, runners! goooooo, runnnnnerrrrrrrsss!" vs. "lookin' good! lookin' strong! GO, RUNNERS! NICE JOB! WAY TO FOCUS!"If you're the runner, you don't want to be wondering if the soft voices you're hearing are only in your head and you don't want to wonder what in the fuck they are telling you.  Feel free to repeat the same motivational things. While annoying to fellow bystanders who are listening to it over and over and over, the runners are only within earshot for about a minute.  
  • clap loudly – this is not the time to do the royal three-finger-tap-on-the-heel-of-your-hand deal. If your hands aren't red and raw after five minutes, you aren't doing it right.
  • don't say stupid shit – the most reviled phrase heard anytime before the last quarter-mile? "You're almost there!" When you get into that one-time-around-the-track zone, sure. You can sense that finish line. But with a mile to go? Two miles to go? At the fucking 20-mile mark of a marathon? Ummm. No. 
  • if you're too shy to screech or you have laryngitis, get a cowbell and/or a horn. Actually, having a cowbell and/or horn is a good idea anyway.
I can be very loud.

Bottom Line: They need to hear you. I tend to get strange looks from fellow spectators because I'm really LOUD and noticeable. However, the runners are smiling and thumbs-upping and waving arms and picking up the pace more often than not. And THAT is why I am there. Sure, some runners scowl. But they aren't scowling because of me, they were miserable and scowling before me. For those runners, I sometimes wish I could position a disabled, wheelchair-bound person right in their path. Most runners need to lighten the fuck up and/or get some therapy. By the same token, spectators should never take a runner being an asshole personally – even if the shitty behavior seems to be directed at them. Therapy is a beautiful thing on both sides of this equation.

  • wear bright or distinctive, comfortable clothes. Costumes can be fun and are highly visible, but regular clothes work, too.
Layering is important.
In the event of pouring down rain, a Hefty bag is awesome.
But decorate it so you don't just look like a California Raisin.
  • colorful signs that are simple and uncluttered. If you have a long, clever, intricately-decorated sign, best to position yourself at the beginning of the race before the runners' brain activity has devolved into its most primal state of simply putting one foot in front of the other and remembering to breathe and staying upright and moving forward and not shitting one's pants.
Bottom Line: They need to see you. Even if you don't see them. It's okay if you miss them as long as they see you. I have spectated at numerous events armed with projected split time ranges, an accurate watch and arriving well on time and staying a good long time while dressed in my pre-stated obnoxious outfit and still missed my runners. Since I am generous with my spectating and visually remarkable, my runners have almost always spotted me.

  • on the macro level this requires being organized and having knowledge of the course and some vague familiarity with the area in addition to knowing your runners' split time ranges. 
  • once alongside the course - see and be seen by the runners but be respectful and don't block the view of others or the path of the runners!
  • do not underestimate how long it will take you to get from one spectating location to another. Better to plan your watching spots conservatively, or you might end up playing leapfrog or catch-up with your athletes the entire way down the course and never actually see them run! 
  • more motivation is generally needed farther along in a race. The second half is the more critical when it comes to providing support.

Bottom Line: You need to be there when they run by so that they are able to see you and hear you. Talk to your athletes about when in the race they feel they will want your support. Create a contingency plan.

Don't beat yourself up if you blow it. Just like with the running part of a race, all we can ever do is our best. Some days our best is better than others.

Have fun out there!

Are you a good spectator? Why or why not? Have you ever trained to be a good spectator?
–I am a fucking awesome spectator. Unless you are a dour, scowling, asshole and then you will probably HATE me. But then again, you probably hate EVERYTHING anyway. I'm loud and encouraging and POSITIVE. Yes, I trained to be a good spectator. Not by taking classes but by serving in a motivational capacity in my sport of concentration prior to shifting my focus more into running.

What do you like in a spectator when running in a race? And what do you hate?
–I like it when spectators lighten the mood but not in a distracting way. I hate it when they sound and look not into it. Hard to describe, but you probably know what I mean.

    March 1, 2013

    Not everyone's a winner.


    This is not U7 rec soccer. Or Nike Women's Marathon.



    Sometimes we are losers. It doesn't mean we're bad people. And it doesn't mean we won't ever be winners. It just means that this time around


    Today's winners in The Great Used-but-not-Dirty Socks Giveaway of 2013 are –

    Melissa gets the green used socks.

    Miss Zippy the Scoffer gets the yellow, but if she fails to pony up her address by Monday then I'm sending them to someone else.

    The Canadian who flies under the radar gets my old FoxRiver socks because Canadians have been given The Giveaway Shaft for far too long. Fuck the Rules of International Deprivation of #Freeshit.

    La Petite is getting something if she sends me her home address, social security number, mother's maiden name, names of first pet and favorite teacher, and the name of her bank just because she is tiny and cute and has to cope with migraines. And I was kidding about all that info except the first thing OF COURSE.

    Marie gets the slippery mess. Just in case the circle jerk doesn't work out.

    So all of you winners need to tell me where you LIVE! Muahhahahahahahahahah! I will then be able to GoogleEarth you and set up surveillance and order 16 extra large pepperoni pizzas to be sent to your house and scary shit like that – in addition to sending you some old socks. Or you could play it the paranoid safe way and send me your WORK address. Then I could do extremely embarrassing shit to you at your workplace. Like send you a huge translucent purple dildo in non-discrete packaging via courier and pay them to open it for you to make sure it isn't damaged upon receipt. (NOT A USED ITEM FROM MY STASH, BY THE WAY, SO DON'T GET ALL WEIRD ON ME–IT'S A FUCKING HYPOTHETICAL, Y'ALL).

    And hey – don't worry if you weren't a winner this time around or haven't ever been a winner, chances are you will at some point win something somewhere someday. Possibly. Or not.

    What's the coolest thing (as in money or an item) you've ever won?

    It's a toss-up between a) a lawsuit [but the consequences of the reason I filed suit created a bigger loss than my winnings] and b) a string of Santa lights I won in a present game one year at Christmas.

    Did you win on merit or skill? Or was it random or by whim?

    Skill, baby. Always skill.

    Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...