January 31, 2013

WIAW. AKA WTF is that?

I'm sure you're dying to know how my Dragon Warrior Diet is going. I gave it up. It sucked. It sucked mostly because the ginkgo tree across the street lost all of its leaves just before Christmas, so there's no leaves with dew for me to combine with universe – uh – juice. So fuck it.

Today I tried a fast/cleanse thing. It sucked. It sucked mostly because when you fast, you don't really get to eat. When I don't get to eat, I wind up STUH-HARVING.

It started with this –

Looks like shitjuice. Smells like shitjuice. Must be –
some fucking cleanse drink.
If anyone says "nom nom" I will cut them.

I took a couple of fistfuls of supplements, too. It all gave me heartburn. Who knew being healthy could be so painful?

A few hours later I found myself sitting across a table from my husband while he snarfed down sashimi. I stole some. Fuck the fast/cleanse. I was STUH-HARVING. No pictures. He thinks taking photos of random, mundane food items is absurd and has threatened legal action if I ever do that to him in public. So picture it in your head – and do NOT say "nom nom." You will wind up bleeding.

More time passes. I try to pass off the sashimi theft as a blip in the food plan for the day. Not working because –

There was cookie dough in the fridge. Home-made cookie dough. You can think it but don't say it. A bandaid won't help what I would do to you. I took some for the road – a baseball-sized glob. It didn't make it far enough to be photographed so here's a shot of the empty bowl –

All that sugar helped me make it to my kids' bedtime. Thank GOD it was a lot of sugar so I didn't crash too early. 

Once everyone else was in bed, I realized that "hmmmm. Maybe something GOOD FOR ME would feel good in my body? maybe it would help my body feel good?" Genius, I am. Unfortunately, at this point I had no energy to even look for a Chobani or make a SpiruChia Smoothie. 

Scavenge. Scavenge. 

Oooooooo! Chips and salsa and guacamole! I literally licked that little ramekin clean. Licked. It.

Shit. Appetite effectively whetted to razor sharpness.

More scavenging.

Frozen soup.


There are BEANS in that soup to offset the kale and onions.
7-Up is the UNcola. I am the UNpaleo.

That's it. Fuck the cleanse. Have some goddamned dinner.

Tilapia fillet and green beans with steamed brown rice from
And purple dulse and seaweed salad that you know is really, really good for you 
because it is so fucking expensive.

Might as well have dessert.

Stepping it up a notch – seed butter instead of nut butter.
Fair-trade chocolate chips, dairy-free and without soy lecithin – 
just to dig a little deeper into my pocketbook.
Microwave to make it all melty and radioactive.


Now you can say it.

Nom Nom.

(Did you notice it was all gluten-free?)


  1. Shit there's soy lecithin in chocolate chips? I need to go check my stash. If I stopped mainlining nut butter and chocolate chips, there'd be no need for El Diablo.

  2. Not all chocolate chips have soy lecithin, but most do. It is EVERYWHERE! Like chia. And Chobani.

  3. holy heck, have a few chips with your sun butter, woman! Yummm... sun butter. UNpaleo. HA!

    You still did better than me. Dinner with a friend last night =
    Half a bottle of wine, mud pie, and a fish taco. Oh, but I had a spinach salad with the dressing on the side.

  4. I have a cold and feel like crap, but your picture of no longer there gauc motivated me to leave the house and have chips and guacamole for lunch. I love being an adult! I hear fasts are overrated. :)

    1. Fasts are kind of like getting shitfaced - you need to do it every once in a great while to truly remember how much it sucks.

  5. I've always wanted to try a cleanse. But after reading/seeing "shit juice," I'm pretty sure you cured me of my curiosity. Do you always craft your tilapia into cute little people with bushy rice pubes? ;) It actually looks quite tasty.

    1. A cleanse is only fun if it includes a coffee enema.

      And it's a fish ballerina. That's a rice tutu. Come on over, I'll cook you dinner :)

  6. have to say there is no way in HE## i would even try a juice cleanse thing. i run so i can eat. lol

    1. Apparently, if you do a lot of exercise while on a cleanse/fast, you might see into another world. Sort of like doing drugs – but legal. Then you pass out. Prob not so fun.

  7. We had a Wellness day at the office the other day and my Wellness wasn't very good, so to improve things i no longer eat "milk" chocolate, I have "Fruit and Nut" so I can tick those boxes...

  8. HA!! I tried that Beyonce lemonade cleanse once and I failed at it by lunchtime. Food wins. Unless we're talking about beer...ooooh Beer Cleanse! BRB getting a book deal.

    1. BEER CLEANSE???!!!!???

      Stuh-HEEEEEELING that shit! Wait, I'll handle press, promotion and publicity; you handle R & D. We split the earnings.

  9. If the "What elite athletes eat" section of Matt Fitzgerald's book "Racing Weight" is any indication, it seems that the average super-hardcore age group endurance athlete maintains a stricter (read: over-done, over-thought) diet than the elites do. Yet the elites remain elite and the age groupers remain in their age group.

    I once had a friend who really wanted to be a writer in the vein of Bukowski and Burroughs. The problem is, he couldn't spell "cat" much less complete a sentence with a noun, adjective and verb. But he could drink like a motherfucker. He died in a car accident, alcohol involved, no books written. Think about it.


Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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