January 8, 2013

Mailbag Monday #1

Now that I'm writing this kick-ass blog, I've begun getting loads of emails asking all manner of questions. Topics include but are not limited to: running, my familial status, my sex life, book and movie recommendations, what's for dinner... Not really. No one besides Momplex (because she's so fucking smart) has realized how compelling this blog is, so I'm making up questions until I get some real ones.


Dear MILF Runner,

Hi. I am also a mom and in my 40's. I started running a year ago as part of my New Year's Resolution to lose weight and get in shape. I've never been athletic, but when a runner friend of mine told me about the 12 in 2012 challenge I figured if she could do it, so could I because she looks worse than me. Anyhoo...I fell in LOVE with running right away. I run alllllll the time. I've never felt quite a rush like I did with those 12 half-marathons last year and was all geared up to tackle the 13 in 2013 (I even got a different colored sparkly skirt for each one I've entered) but now my heart is breaking because it hurts my knee and my ankle and my hip so much to run and I'm a total bitch because I'm always in pain yet I am so inspired by all of the great fitness blogs I read that I can't stop running! It is my outlet and my "me" time. It helps me retain my sanity. Running is my LIFE! My husband is really pissed off at me and has threatened to burn my running shoes. What should I do?

Signed, MomLuvs2Run



Dear MomLuvs,

I am so sorry you are in pain. It is admirable that you are striving for fitness and health, but HOLY SHIT did you go overboard or WHAT? however, jumping right into 12 half-marathons in a 12-month period is extremely demanding – especially for someone who has no athletic background. Regarding the pain you are experiencing, my guess is that you are an obsessive-compulsive whackjob have most likely increased your mileage at too quick of a rate and perhaps have not given yourself enough 'down' time (otherwise known as REST). Pain is your body's way of telling you it is not happy. It is your body's way of protecting itself. Listen to your body.

Here is my advice even though I know you aren't going to follow it because it is the opposite of what you want to hear:


  1. get into psychotherapy. Both individual and couples. Even though you think you are retaining sanity, you aren't. You are totally insane.
  2. stop running until you are no longer experiencing pain. Explore some cross-training that doesn't cause pain.
  3. while taking a break from running, start strength-training and doing core work in a relaxed, regular, non-obsessive way.
  4. with all exercise regimens, there should be rest days. Rest is a critical part of training. This period of self-repair is the very foundation of improvement.
  5. put on one of those sparkly skirts and go have sex with your husband. That's why he's pissed off. Shit, if he has to tolerate you being a bitch, he should at least be getting laid for his trouble. And everyone knows that sparkly skirts look totally hot

And if you're still in pain after trying all of these ideas, it's probably gluten.

Sincerely,
MILF Runner


13 comments:

  1. Damn. You're funny! Glad you came by my blog so that I could discover yours--keep it up!

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  2. Haha... wow. I agree with the too many miles too quickly. That sounds like the culprit. 10% rule to continue running is always best.

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  3. Is it possible to be "so fucking smart" and yet be so out of shape that I can't even run a half-mile? I have the endurance of a fart. I'm glad I found your blog because (a) you're funny, (b) I might learn a thing or two here about running, and (c) you don't make me feel bad about not knowing a thing or two about running. Oh, and of course (d), linking to my blog. You're cool!

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  4. Replies
    1. I am MILF Runner. It will all become clear to you someday.

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  5. haha. Hilarious. And yes, it probably is the gluten.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And if it isn't the gluten, you KNOW it's the dairy.

      Delete
  6. O, wow. It's like you're inside my head. I LOVE this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not in your fucking head. I'm in my living room.

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  7. Ha! Love love! A sparkly skirt for every race...ha ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Matching sparkly headbands, too, most likely.

      Delete
  8. Another awesome post. Wow.

    Aren't you just setting yourself up for failure, if you make your posts that funny?

    Yes, you can use that question in a future post; thanks in advance.

    ReplyDelete

Say it. But if you can't own your shit, don't dump it on me.

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