January 28, 2013

Mailbag Monday #4

I yearn for the day when someone emails me and gives me a legit question for Mailbag Monday. Who will it be? Who will the lucky person be? I say this because there might be a prize. Not a used sports bra because I already got rid of that, but I have lots of random shit to give away. Who wants some? Where did you go purpletoenails? How about one of my trusty, regular commenters – Coach Dion? Patrick Mahoney? MegG? Momplex? Get in on the ground floor while the getting's good. Email. 

What this means is we yet again have a fake letter from a fake reader. I AM SO TIRED OF FAKE –

Dear MILF Runner,

I've noticed an increasing amount of buzz recently about how great chia seeds are. Just wondering what are your thoughts on chia?


Chia Curious

Dear Curious,

Chia has been awesome for decades. I fucking LOVE chia. Catchy jingle. Cute product. What's not to love?

Am I seriously the only person who goes here when the healthy blogworld starts the chia talk?

Okay, okay. Honestly, I tried eating (drinking?) chia once. Though I hear and really don't doubt that it is amazing, I cannot speak to its health benefits from a personal standpoint because I couldn't get past the texture to try it more than that one time. My limited perspective can only provide you with this: Think – sucking down a glass of someone else's phlegm. Or a cup of jizz. Since the health-boosting properties of the former are unsubstantiated, chia is probably more similar to the latter, whose benefits are well-documented. The latter is, however, possibly more cost-effective and more enjoyable than chia. That said, if someone were to offer me free chia (#freeshit! YES!), I'd probably give it another shot because 

You know, if you muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kinds of food possibilities open up.
–Emile the rat, Ratatouille (2007)
And also I'm getting desperate for some free shit.

MILF Runner

January 25, 2013

Coffee Makes You Happy?




Being happy is exhausting. Maybe I need that fourth cup.

Or maybe I should smoke some pot. I hear that shit makes you happy, too.

January 21, 2013

Mailbag Monday #3

Obviously everyone is intimidated by my use of foul language sharp wit and dazzling intelligence. I say this because the mailbag is empty once again. C'mon, people! Engagement is so much more fun than talking to myself. I know you're out there – I see you reading all the time. Wait. Do you prefer it when I make up the questions and pose them as being from a (fictitious) reader? Fine. Here:

Dear MILF Runner,

I need to PR in some stuff and BQ this year to prove my worth to humanity. I race almost every weekend, am training consistently and think I deserve some new numbers to put on my blog. I need everyone to know how fast I really am...not just how fast I am during training runs or how fast I've raced in the past (it never ends up being a true reflection of how fast I can go). I need an accurate display of my true speed because that determines my personal value in this world. It seems like everyone is always PR'ing at every race they run and in every workout they post on their blogs. I'm getting pretty pissed off that they can do that and it never happens for me. I'm starting to dread running more and more with each passing day because my times are not showing my true speed and that makes me feel more and more worthless.

What I want to know is this:  can you tell me some races (particularly marathons because they are the coolest and really only worthwhile distance even though I've never run one) that are on easy courses? You know, flat (or downhill) and fast and pretty much guaranteed that I will for sure definitely BQ on race day? I know CIM and Ogden Marathon are easy? Do you recommend either of those as a staging ground for my societal redemption?

I train hard. I just need the right course. Please help?



Dear Numbers Obsessed,


You're killing me. Your outlook is so warped and your sense of entitlement is really fucking irritating. You're whining. Do you know that?

It's not the course; it's the athlete. And a little luck. Okay, sometimes a LOT of luck.

EASY. You want an EASY marathon? Fuck you. Twenty-six point two miles is not going to be easy. Ever.

Sure there are courses reputed to be "fast," but look at what happened at CIM this past year. Some PR'ed, most didn't, and some didn't even start because of the extremely shitty weather

Some of the "fast" courses are at altitude. Do you train at altitude? One never knows how one's body will react to altitude – as with all oxygen-deprivation situations. Try to prepare at sea-level for worst-case scenario by doing your long and tempo runs while breathing through a cocktail straw clenched between your teeth after whacking yourself in the forehead with a ball peen hammer.

And downhill? This term is very misleading. A net downhill course often means rollers, so you need to be ready for a few uphills, too. Remember also that downhill races will fry your quads if you aren't adequately prepared, rendering your legs useless in the final miles.

Furthermore, due to a literally shitty turn of events, many a runner on track to PR a race has been sidelined by a pitstop. Yeah. What if you need to take a crap? Unless you want to be THAT picture (scroll down to #9) on someone else's blog, you'd better make the stop.

Even if you've had a spectacular training cycle, the weather is your personal idea of perfection, you're hitting all of your splits right on the money (or even a little ahead of schedule), you might step in a pothole and twist your ankle. Buh-bye, PR.

Nothing is a guarantee.

The bottom line on BQing and PRing is this (I'm letting you in on a secret here – one many running bloggers do not know – so shhhhhh):  no one really gives a shit what your times are. Whew! Isn't that a load off? Okay, okay. People will be happy for you or disappointed for you depending on the outcome, but the ones that matter don't really care about that number – they care about YOU. You can let go of that twisted and wrong idea that your value is determined by your running! If your times are important to YOU, keep training, get your head together and realize that you do not need to prove your worth to anyone. 

My advice is to stop trying to orchestrate a PR. Shit happens on race day. Good shit and bad shit. Races are a lot like life. You can spend all this time preparing for what you think might possibly happen, and what usually happens is not something you thought of. It's how you handle these surprises that matters. 

Just make sure you're not wearing the wrong color sparkly skirt come race day because that shit will make or break you. 

Hope this helps :)


MILF Runner

mickiruns gets it. It was a totally arbitrary decision. Totally on a whim. I decided that she was the only person I didn't have to BEG to enter. Her faith and courage are to be rewarded. mickiruns, email me your mailing info – my email is on the contacts page.

January 18, 2013

Product Review and Giveaway: Sports Bra!

Just finished Week 2 and sponsors and free shit have not come as easily as readers. That's understandable. Probably a language issue. Whatevs.

No free shit for me doesn't have to mean no free shit for YOU!

How does this work? I tell you about a product and then offer it to you in exchange for something? I'm supposed to be objective and not be swayed by the fact that some company contacted me and gave me free shit as a marketing tool to get you all to go to their website or Facebook page or some such shit. 

This is so fucking easy!

Since no one gave me this Champion Sports Bra (I bought it at Target), the only reason I might not be entirely forthcoming in my review is because I so badly want to unload it. It didn't work for me. I purchased it knowing it wouldn't be supportive enough to wear on its own; my plan was for it to serve as an abbreviated tank to wear over my functional sports bra so I could show off my killer abs.

Hot pink = hot babe. 

Not to be picky or anything but –

Even though the color works, the neckline comes up too high for it to be at all sexy.

I refuse to wear it. This excessive coverage is completely counter to my image. 

You can have it.

Description: Hot pink, size medium, basic, stretchy, Champion sports bra. 

To enter this giveaway:

  • go like Target's Facebook page
  • go to the Target website and review the Champion sportswear section. What other colors do you like? Do they still make this color? It's discontinued! That makes this one rare!
  • tell me what company Champion merged with when it got into the sports bra business and in what year
  • join the Sports Bra Alliance and like their Facebook page
  • make up a jingle for a commercial advertising Champion sports bras
  • Tweet this giveaway
  • Facebook this giveaway
  • Follow me on Twitter
  • Follow me on Facebook
Do all of that for your entry. 

Just kidding.

You don't have to like anything to enter this giveaway. You don't even have to like the sports bra. It will be a keepsake at some point – MILF Runner's very first giveaway item. That will be worth something someday, mark my words.

I think I'll just keep giving away used shit until I get new free shit, so someone better call somebody and tell them to hook me up because these giveaways are like car wrecks. You can't look away.

Leave a comment if you want the sports bra.

*Update:  The winner of this used sports bra will be announced during Mailbag Monday #3, which will be on Monday, January 21. You can enter up until I hit "publish" on that post. 

January 11, 2013

So where's all my free shit?

Before I started blogging, I read lots of blogs. All of those bloggers were always talking about swag and sponsors and sponsored giveaways. One of the main reasons I started this damn thing was the seeming promise of tons of free shit.

I've been writing this blog for a whole fucking week now. A WHOLE WEEK. And no free shit.

I want some fucking compression socks. I don't give a shit who makes them – is there really a difference? I'll say whatever you want.  I just don't want to pay.

Headphones. I want those ones you screw into your earholes. Those ones all the cool bloggers got for free for the San Francisco Marathon. Why can I not remember what the fuck they were called? Yurbuds!!! That's it!

Doesn't Subway give free shit to bloggers? Give me a sandwich. And POPCHIPS! Don't forget my free fucking Popchips.

Oh, and I need a medal hanger because that shoebox of medals under my bed is getting pretty durn full. I'll bet that medal hanger comes in a bigger box than the one I'm using right now.

I know everyone and her sister got one of those Handful bras. Everyone and her sister with little boobs, that is. I'll definitely be passing on that item.

I'm not sure how I feel about the Sleep Number beds – not sure what I'll do when they finally realize they want to give me one for free. I know they get great reviews for sleeping, but what about other stuff? It's an inflatable bed, right? How active a lifestyle can it handle before popping?

Oh, shit, I almost forgot –

Where in the fuck is MY GOTEIN?????

January 8, 2013

Mailbag Monday #1

Now that I'm writing this kick-ass blog, I've begun getting loads of emails asking all manner of questions. Topics include but are not limited to: running, my familial status, my sex life, book and movie recommendations, what's for dinner... Not really. No one besides Momplex (because she's so fucking smart) has realized how compelling this blog is, so I'm making up questions until I get some real ones.

Dear MILF Runner,

Hi. I am also a mom and in my 40's. I started running a year ago as part of my New Year's Resolution to lose weight and get in shape. I've never been athletic, but when a runner friend of mine told me about the 12 in 2012 challenge I figured if she could do it, so could I because she looks worse than me. Anyhoo...I fell in LOVE with running right away. I run alllllll the time. I've never felt quite a rush like I did with those 12 half-marathons last year and was all geared up to tackle the 13 in 2013 (I even got a different colored sparkly skirt for each one I've entered) but now my heart is breaking because it hurts my knee and my ankle and my hip so much to run and I'm a total bitch because I'm always in pain yet I am so inspired by all of the great fitness blogs I read that I can't stop running! It is my outlet and my "me" time. It helps me retain my sanity. Running is my LIFE! My husband is really pissed off at me and has threatened to burn my running shoes. What should I do?

Signed, MomLuvs2Run

Dear MomLuvs,

I am so sorry you are in pain. It is admirable that you are striving for fitness and health, but HOLY SHIT did you go overboard or WHAT? however, jumping right into 12 half-marathons in a 12-month period is extremely demanding – especially for someone who has no athletic background. Regarding the pain you are experiencing, my guess is that you are an obsessive-compulsive whackjob have most likely increased your mileage at too quick of a rate and perhaps have not given yourself enough 'down' time (otherwise known as REST). Pain is your body's way of telling you it is not happy. It is your body's way of protecting itself. Listen to your body.

Here is my advice even though I know you aren't going to follow it because it is the opposite of what you want to hear:

  1. get into psychotherapy. Both individual and couples. Even though you think you are retaining sanity, you aren't. You are totally insane.
  2. stop running until you are no longer experiencing pain. Explore some cross-training that doesn't cause pain.
  3. while taking a break from running, start strength-training and doing core work in a relaxed, regular, non-obsessive way.
  4. with all exercise regimens, there should be rest days. Rest is a critical part of training. This period of self-repair is the very foundation of improvement.
  5. put on one of those sparkly skirts and go have sex with your husband. That's why he's pissed off. Shit, if he has to tolerate you being a bitch, he should at least be getting laid for his trouble. And everyone knows that sparkly skirts look totally hot

And if you're still in pain after trying all of these ideas, it's probably gluten.

MILF Runner

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