WIAW. AKA WTF is that?

I'm sure you're dying to know how my Dragon Warrior Diet is going. I gave it up. It sucked. It sucked mostly because the ginkgo tree across the street lost all of its leaves just before Christmas, so there's no leaves with dew for me to combine with universe – uh – juice. So fuck it.

Today I tried a fast/cleanse thing. It sucked. It sucked mostly because when you fast, you don't really get to eat. When I don't get to eat, I wind up STUH-HARVING.

It started with this –

Looks like shitjuice. Smells like shitjuice. Must be –

some fucking cleanse drink.

If anyone says "nom nom" I will cut them.

I took a couple of fistfuls of supplements, too. It all gave me heartburn. Who knew being healthy could be so painful?

A few hours later I found myself sitting across a table from my husband while he snarfed down sashimi. I stole some. Fuck the fast/cleanse. I was STUH-HARVING. No pictures. He thinks taking photos of random, mundane food items is absurd and has threatened legal action if I ever do that to him in public. So picture it in your head – and do NOT say "nom nom." You will wind up bleeding.

More time passes. I try to pass off the sashimi theft as a blip in the food plan for the day. Not working because –

There was cookie dough in the fridge. Home-made cookie dough. You can think it but don't say it. A bandaid won't help what I would do to you. I took some for the road – a baseball-sized glob. It didn't make it far enough to be photographed so here's a shot of the empty bowl –

All that sugar helped me make it to my kids' bedtime. Thank GOD it was a lot of sugar so I didn't crash too early. 

Once everyone else was in bed, I realized that "hmmmm. Maybe something GOOD FOR ME would feel good in my body? maybe it would help my body feel good?" Genius, I am. Unfortunately, at this point I had no energy to even look for a Chobani or make a SpiruChia Smoothie. 

Scavenge. Scavenge. 

Oooooooo! Chips and salsa and guacamole! I literally licked that little ramekin clean. Licked. It.

Shit. Appetite effectively whetted to razor sharpness.

More scavenging.

Frozen soup.

Thawed.

There are BEANS in that soup to offset the kale and onions.

7-Up is the UNcola. I am the UNpaleo.

That's it. Fuck the cleanse. Have some goddamned dinner.

Tilapia fillet and green beans with steamed brown rice from

TRADER JOE'S

*squeeeeeeee*

And purple dulse and seaweed salad that you know is really, really good for you 

because it is so fucking expensive.

Might as well have dessert.

Stepping it up a notch – seed butter instead of nut butter.

Fair-trade chocolate chips, dairy-free and without soy lecithin – 

just to dig a little deeper into my pocketbook.

Microwave to make it all melty and radioactive.

Okay.

Now you can say it.

Nom Nom.

(Did you notice it was all gluten-free?)

Mailbag Monday #4

I yearn for the day when someone emails me and gives me a legit question for Mailbag Monday. Who will it be? Who will the lucky person be? I say this because there might be a prize. Not a used sports bra because I already got rid of that, but I have lots of random shit to give away. Who wants some? Where did you go purpletoenails? How about one of my trusty, regular commenters – Coach Dion? Patrick Mahoney? MegG? Momplex? Get in on the ground floor while the getting's good. Email. 

What this means is we yet again have a fake letter from a fake reader. I AM SO TIRED OF FAKE –


Dear MILF Runner,

I've noticed an increasing amount of buzz recently about how great chia seeds are. Just wondering what are your thoughts on chia?

Thanks!

Sincerely,
Chia Curious


Dear Curious,

Chia has been awesome for decades. I fucking LOVE chia. Catchy jingle. Cute product. What's not to love?



Am I seriously the only person who goes here when the healthy blogworld starts the chia talk?

Okay, okay. Honestly, I tried eating (drinking?) chia once. Though I hear and really don't doubt that it is amazing, I cannot speak to its health benefits from a personal standpoint because I couldn't get past the texture to try it more than that one time. My limited perspective can only provide you with this: Think – sucking down a glass of someone else's phlegm. Or a cup of jizz. Since the health-boosting properties of the former are unsubstantiated, chia is probably more similar to the latter, whose benefits are well-documented. The latter is, however, possibly more cost-effective and more enjoyable than chia. That said, if someone were to offer me free chia (#freeshit! YES!), I'd probably give it another shot because 

You know, if you muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kinds of food possibilities open up.

–Emile the rat, Ratatouille (2007)

And also I'm getting desperate for some free shit.

Sincerely,
MILF Runner

Coffee Makes You Happy?

photo source

FUCK YES, IT DOES!

istoppeddrinkingcoffeeaboutfiveyearsagoforhealthreasonsbutthismorningontwitterisawalinktoablogpostaskingdoescoffeemakeyouhappyandittoldofastudythatdeterminedtheconsumptionoffourcupsofunsweetenedcoffeeperdaylowersyourriskofdepressionsoiwentouttostarbucksandgotaventiregularcoffeerightawaytheniransomeerrandsandgotanotherventirightbeforelunchthenonmywaytopickmykidsupfromschooligotanotherventiithinkthreesmylimitIMROCKINGPRETTYHAPPYRIGHTABOUTNOWdontreallythinkiwanttobeanyhappier!

Whew.

Being happy is exhausting. Maybe I need that fourth cup.

Or maybe I should smoke some pot. I hear that shit makes you happy, too.

Developing a strategy to achieve YOUR goals...

My teenager is proudly not an athlete, which is kind of disturbing for dad (whose profession involves a lot of strenuous, physical work) and me (an accomplished athlete who spent well over a decade deeply and passionately involved in sports).

Though he generally appears to not care at all about how nonathletic he is, my son was groaning on the way to school the other day about being the slowest runner in his class and how people (primarily his shitty "best friend") were giving him grief about this. Coincidentally, that afternoon was to be the class' monthly timed run.

The coach in me combined with the mom in me spoke up quickly in a burning desire to help, stupidly thinking the objective of the run would be to finish as fast as possible:

Okay, I said. What's your plan?

Oh, he said. Well, I usually start off at sort of a slowish jog so I don't waste all of my energy at once. I'll go part of the way, like to the fire hydrant, jogging like this. Then I'll walk for a bit so I don't get too tired.  

Finding this take on pacing hilarious, I momentarily stopped breathing so that I didn't laugh  out loud and make him feel badly. That's because I'm a caring mom. But I did kind of gag on my bitten tongue.

Then, after a minute or so, I'll start jogging again, he continued. I like to sort of speed up and slow down to save my breath. At the end, I usually sprint for the last couple of feet.

And that's working for you? I asked.

Well, pretty much, he answered. I don't get too sweaty and tired by the end.

I'm not judging. Different objective.

However, when queried about the ceaseless teasing and comparing it to the misery of getting sweaty and tired for at the most 15 minutes, he agreed that perhaps he might want to make some adjustments to the plan. Knowing he wouldn't go for wearing a sparkly skirt, and damn, I'd left mine at home anyway, we devised the following:

His mission, should he choose to accept it

• run/jog the whole way
• don't come in last

Setting up realistic goals and executing the simple plan perfectly, satisfaction was his.

The "best friend" was last.

Mailbag Monday #3

Obviously everyone is intimidated by my use of foul language sharp wit and dazzling intelligence. I say this because the mailbag is empty once again. C'mon, people! Engagement is so much more fun than talking to myself. I know you're out there – I see you reading all the time. Wait. Do you prefer it when I make up the questions and pose them as being from a (fictitious) reader? Fine. Here:



Dear MILF Runner,

I need to PR in some stuff and BQ this year to prove my worth to humanity. I race almost every weekend, am training consistently and think I deserve some new numbers to put on my blog. I need everyone to know how fast I really am...not just how fast I am during training runs or how fast I've raced in the past (it never ends up being a true reflection of how fast I can go). I need an accurate display of my true speed because that determines my personal value in this world. It seems like everyone is always PR'ing at every race they run and in every workout they post on their blogs. I'm getting pretty pissed off that they can do that and it never happens for me. I'm starting to dread running more and more with each passing day because my times are not showing my true speed and that makes me feel more and more worthless.

What I want to know is this:  can you tell me some races (particularly marathons because they are the coolest and really only worthwhile distance even though I've never run one) that are on easy courses? You know, flat (or downhill) and fast and pretty much guaranteed that I will for sure definitely BQ on race day? I know CIM and Ogden Marathon are easy? Do you recommend either of those as a staging ground for my societal redemption?

I train hard. I just need the right course. Please help?

Sincerely,

Rnin4#sNot4<3



Dear Numbers Obsessed,

Stop.
Stop.
Stop.

You're killing me. Your outlook is so warped and your sense of entitlement is really fucking irritating. You're whining. Do you know that?

It's not the course; it's the athlete. And a little luck. Okay, sometimes a LOT of luck.

EASY. You want an EASY marathon? Fuck you. Twenty-six point two miles is not going to be easy. Ever.

Sure there are courses reputed to be "fast," but look at what happened at CIM this past year. Some PR'ed, most didn't, and some didn't even start because of the extremely shitty weather. 

Some of the "fast" courses are at altitude. Do you train at altitude? One never knows how one's body will react to altitude – as with all oxygen-deprivation situations. Try to prepare at sea-level for worst-case scenario by doing your long and tempo runs while breathing through a cocktail straw clenched between your teeth after whacking yourself in the forehead with a ball peen hammer.

And downhill? This term is very misleading. A net downhill course often means rollers, so you need to be ready for a few uphills, too. Remember also that downhill races will fry your quads if you aren't adequately prepared, rendering your legs useless in the final miles.


Furthermore, due to a literally shitty turn of events, many a runner on track to PR a race has been sidelined by a pitstop. Yeah. What if you need to take a crap? Unless you want to be THAT picture (scroll down to #9) on someone else's blog, you'd better make the stop.

Even if you've had a spectacular training cycle, the weather is your personal idea of perfection, you're hitting all of your splits right on the money (or even a little ahead of schedule), you might step in a pothole and twist your ankle. Buh-bye, PR.

Nothing is a guarantee.

The bottom line on BQing and PRing is this (I'm letting you in on a secret here – one many running bloggers do not know – so shhhhhh):  no one really gives a shit what your times are. Whew! Isn't that a load off? Okay, okay. People will be happy for you or disappointed for you depending on the outcome, but the ones that matter don't really care about that number – they care about YOU. You can let go of that twisted and wrong idea that your value is determined by your running! If your times are important to YOU, keep training, get your head together and realize that you do not need to prove your worth to anyone. 

My advice is to stop trying to orchestrate a PR. Shit happens on race day. Good shit and bad shit. Races are a lot like life. You can spend all this time preparing for what you think might possibly happen, and what usually happens is not something you thought of. It's how you handle these surprises that matters. 

Just make sure you're not wearing the wrong color sparkly skirt come race day because that shit will make or break you. 

Hope this helps :)

Sincerely,

MILF Runner


****USED BRA WINNER****
mickiruns gets it. It was a totally arbitrary decision. Totally on a whim. I decided that she was the only person I didn't have to BEG to enter. Her faith and courage are to be rewarded. mickiruns, email me your mailing info – my email is on the contacts page.

Product Review and Giveaway: Sports Bra!

Just finished Week 2 and sponsors and free shit have not come as easily as readers. That's understandable. Probably a language issue. Whatevs.

No free shit for me doesn't have to mean no free shit for YOU!

How does this work? I tell you about a product and then offer it to you in exchange for something? I'm supposed to be objective and not be swayed by the fact that some company contacted me and gave me free shit as a marketing tool to get you all to go to their website or Facebook page or some such shit. 

This is so fucking easy!

Since no one gave me this Champion Sports Bra (I bought it at Target), the only reason I might not be entirely forthcoming in my review is because I so badly want to unload it. It didn't work for me. I purchased it knowing it wouldn't be supportive enough to wear on its own; my plan was for it to serve as an abbreviated tank to wear over my functional sports bra so I could show off my killer abs.

Hot pink = hot babe. 

Not to be picky or anything but –

Even though the color works, the neckline comes up too high for it to be at all sexy.

I refuse to wear it. This excessive coverage is completely counter to my image. 

You can have it.

Description: Hot pink, size medium, basic, stretchy, Champion sports bra. 

To enter this giveaway:

• go like Target's Facebook page
• go to the Target website and review the Champion sportswear section. What other colors do you like? Do they still make this color? It's discontinued! That makes this one rare!
• tell me what company Champion merged with when it got into the sports bra business and in what year
• join the Sports Bra Alliance and like their Facebook page
• make up a jingle for a commercial advertising Champion sports bras
• Tweet this giveaway
• Facebook this giveaway
• Follow me on Twitter
• Follow me on Facebook

Do all of that for your entry. 

Just kidding.

You don't have to like anything to enter this giveaway. You don't even have to like the sports bra. It will be a keepsake at some point – MILF Runner's very first giveaway item. That will be worth something someday, mark my words.

I think I'll just keep giving away used shit until I get new free shit, so someone better call somebody and tell them to hook me up because these giveaways are like car wrecks. You can't look away.

Leave a comment if you want the sports bra.


*Update:  The winner of this used sports bra will be announced during Mailbag Monday #3, which will be on Monday, January 21. You can enter up until I hit "publish" on that post. 

The reason why the Goofy Challenge is so awesome

Reading about the Goofy Challenge and all the prep stories and race recaps in BlogLand got me thinking – Am I the only one who doesn't really get it? I decided to see if anyone else was as puzzled as I, so I pretended to get it and had this "test" conversation:

Me (to my kids on the way into school this morning):  Hey, guys – so I'm thinking of going away for a few days over the weekend.

Older daughter:  No way, mom. I will miss you too much!

Younger son:  Why? Where are you going?

Oldest son (smacking a brother):  Get off of my side! Mmmmoooommmmmm! He is totally ON MY SIDE!

Smacked brother:  OWWWWWW! I am NOT on your side. (Returns the smack. Vigorous and reciprocal brother-smacking ensues).

Me (over what is now a huge brouhaha):  HEY, YOU TWO! KNOCK. IT. OFF. I'm talking here. I'm going to Disneyland next week. Well, Disney World, actually.

(crickets)

Oldest son (breaking the silence):  We're going to Disney World next week? Holy crap.

Me:  Watch your language. No. I'm going without you.

(crickets)

In all of their minds but not said aloud: Why in fuck's name would mom want to go to Disney without us? (That's me paraphrasing. They don't know that word – at least as far as I know)

Me (reading their minds and answering the question because I'm a great mom and all great moms are mind-readers): I'm going to run 39.3 miles in the parks and along the back alleys and down the service streets. It's a special thing that costs about $350.

Younger son: It costs $350 to go to Disney? That sounds like kind of a lot. Is it?

Me: Noooo! It costs $350 to run 39.3 miles through Disney World and around on the side streets and access roads! I'm not going to the park part – except to run through it! Sheesh. It would cost at least another fifty bucks to go inside for fun. But doesn't that sound cool? Running 39.3 miles going into the Magic Kingdom and EPCOT and then through the parking lots and on the secret streets between and around the parks?

Older daughter: Doesn't sound cool. Sounds like a total waste of a trip to Disney to me.

Smacked brother: Why would you even want to go just to run past all the stuff? Without us? That's stupid.

How do I respond to that? How do I tell him it isn't stupid? I somehow don't think it will matter to him, or any of them, that it's

39.3 MILES IN A SPARKLY SKIRT!!!!

That's it, right?

Mailbag Monday #2

We have a bona fide question from a reader this week! Does anyone give a shit that it wasn't an actual piece of mail? I don't.

It appeared in a comment:

QUESTION IS...

Who doesn't fucking LOVE Picnik?

(I'm protecting this person's identity because s/he is insane).

Thinking. 

Thinking.

Setting myself up for failure.

Hmmmm.

ANSWER IS:

Question #1. By what measures are we determining "success" and "failure"? 

• number of pageviews?
• number of comments?
• personal enjoyment on the part of author/reader?
• number of times I can unforcedly stick the word "fuck" into a post?
• how fast I run?
• will I be able to sustain the intensity my audience has come to expect after ONLY FOUR FUCKING POSTS?
• if I ever finally get some FREE SHIT?

Question #2. Do I really give a shit about "failure"?

I'm going to answer my own questions in the hopes that I somehow manage to appease the questioner.

Part #1. Since it's MY blog, I'm going to say that as long as I am having fun it is a "success." I will deem it a "failure" when it isn't fun for ME anymore. Of course, it is more fun to have engagement (comments and emails) from one's readers. And what blogger doesn't LOVE attention – which can be further measured in pageviews and followers (and free shit). This means if you want to keep reading this good great stuff, ENGAGE, people. Feed the animal. And remember – if I wind up with any free shit, I will absolutely share it. 

Part #2. When I started this work, I had no real plan. I have been approaching it much like a 5K – go balls out from the onset and hang on for as long as I can. The marathon is not my forté. Why pace if you don't have to? There is no failure in trying. If you've given it your all from start to finish, the outcome cannot be called "failure." 

NO.

That's the answer. NO, I'm not setting myself up for failure by making my posts so funny. I don't "make" them funny. They just are. That's just me. I'm not doing anything I don't normally do in real life. Yes, it is fucking exhausting.

*Update: I forgot to say that when I think of the word "failure" I think of bridges collapsing or important ropes and cables snapping. Buildings buckling. Then I remembered that it really doesn't matter. People don't want to hear that or pithy shit like what I wrote in response to the original question. People want to hear this:

FUCK FAILURE.

Just ignore the rest of this post because that sums it up it in two tidy words.

So where's all my free shit?

Before I started blogging, I read lots of blogs. All of those bloggers were always talking about swag and sponsors and sponsored giveaways. One of the main reasons I started this damn thing was the seeming promise of tons of free shit.

I've been writing this blog for a whole fucking week now. A WHOLE WEEK. And no free shit.

I want some fucking compression socks. I don't give a shit who makes them – is there really a difference? I'll say whatever you want.  I just don't want to pay.

Headphones. I want those ones you screw into your earholes. Those ones all the cool bloggers got for free for the San Francisco Marathon. Why can I not remember what the fuck they were called? Yurbuds!!! That's it!

Doesn't Subway give free shit to bloggers? Give me a sandwich. And POPCHIPS! Don't forget my free fucking Popchips.

Oh, and I need a medal hanger because that shoebox of medals under my bed is getting pretty durn full. I'll bet that medal hanger comes in a bigger box than the one I'm using right now.

I know everyone and her sister got one of those Handful bras. Everyone and her sister with little boobs, that is. I'll definitely be passing on that item.

I'm not sure how I feel about the Sleep Number beds – not sure what I'll do when they finally realize they want to give me one for free. I know they get great reviews for sleeping, but what about other stuff? It's an inflatable bed, right? How active a lifestyle can it handle before popping?

Oh, shit, I almost forgot –

Where in the fuck is MY GOTEIN?????

My Goals for 2013

As I was using my awesome new grinding stones to make some fresh almond butter yesterday, not only was I struck by how awesome these stones are:

treasurenet.com

But also by how happy I am that our household is now growing our own almonds and how happy I am that we, as a family, have resolved to be more in sync with nature and our bodies and other paleo shit, like rocks. And then this thought of that resolution triggered another thought – probably because I was wearing my sparkly skirt:

HOLY SHIT! I HAVEN'T SHARED MY RUNNING/FITNESS/HEALTH GOALS FOR 2013 WITH MY NEW BLOGGY BFFS!

With no further lead-in, here are a half-dozen of my goals:

• Do a whole Ironman triathlon at the end of the year. I used to love going to the beach when I was a kid so the open water swim should be a piece of cake. I still like riding my bike a lot. Sort of. And I know how to run. It just seems like a no-brainer to put the three together – I may need to change the title of this blog to "Tri MILF"!

• Run enough marathons closely enough together to become a Marathon Maniac. That would just be soooooo cool! After completing the Couch to 5K program last fall, I feel ready to go for the Big One. And if I'm going to train for one, I might as well cram in as many as I can so I'm not wasting miles. Furthermore, I can use all of those marathons as part of my Ironman training! Win-win! 

• Run a sub 4-hour marathon and a sub 2-hour half-marathon – because I want to be just like Sarah Palin. Actually I want to kick her ass.

• More stroller runs. If I'm going to get stronger and faster, I've read on other blogs that pushing a stroller is the way to go if you have kids. It will be epic because my kids are so fucking big. If I can't find a stroller big enough, I may just steal one of those multi-kid carts from Target.

I took this picture myself tonight. 

If you borrow it and don't credit me I just might sue your ass.

• Alternate minimal/maximal by running barefoot one day and running in Hokas the next because I heard some top trainers say that confusion makes you better.

• Go food-free for a month. I need to clean out my system. Going without food for a month will be like hitting a giant "reset" button and really clean me out of all toxins and intolerable shit like gluten, dairy, eggs, sugar, caffeine, etc. I'm going to try the Dragon Warrior Diet – the dew of a single ginkgo leaf and the energy of the universe. I think Oprah tried this one.

I do have other goals, like don't swear so much, be nicer, learn basic auto repair, become fluent in Aramaic – just the usual shit. 

Did you set goals for 2013? Don't tell me what they are because I don't really care.

*Update: Fuck the Ironman thing. You have to wear a fucking helmet for the bike part – even if you're over 18! And each stage has a cut-off time! WTF??? Such bullshit. Besides, my sparkly skirt would probably get all bunchy inside the wetsuit. I'm not doing it.

**New update: I just realized that my therapist would flip out if I told her I was doing anything "maniacal," so in the interest of living a balanced, healthy and functional life, I'll be passing on #2.

***Final update: I meant no disrespect toward the former Governor of Alaska, but the bitch is going down. Maybe. 

Mailbag Monday #1

Now that I'm writing this kick-ass blog, I've begun getting loads of emails asking all manner of questions. Topics include but are not limited to: running, my familial status, my sex life, book and movie recommendations, what's for dinner... Not really. No one besides Momplex (because she's so fucking smart) has realized how compelling this blog is, so I'm making up questions until I get some real ones.


Dear MILF Runner,

Hi. I am also a mom and in my 40's. I started running a year ago as part of my New Year's Resolution to lose weight and get in shape. I've never been athletic, but when a runner friend of mine told me about the 12 in 2012 challenge I figured if she could do it, so could I because she looks worse than me. Anyhoo...I fell in LOVE with running right away. I run alllllll the time. I've never felt quite a rush like I did with those 12 half-marathons last year and was all geared up to tackle the 13 in 2013 (I even got a different colored sparkly skirt for each one I've entered) but now my heart is breaking because it hurts my knee and my ankle and my hip so much to run and I'm a total bitch because I'm always in pain yet I am so inspired by all of the great fitness blogs I read that I can't stop running! It is my outlet and my "me" time. It helps me retain my sanity. Running is my LIFE! My husband is really pissed off at me and has threatened to burn my running shoes. What should I do?

Signed, MomLuvs2Run



Dear MomLuvs,

I am so sorry you are in pain. It is admirable that you are striving for fitness and health, but HOLY SHIT did you go overboard or WHAT? however, jumping right into 12 half-marathons in a 12-month period is extremely demanding – especially for someone who has no athletic background. Regarding the pain you are experiencing, my guess is that you are an obsessive-compulsive whackjob have most likely increased your mileage at too quick of a rate and perhaps have not given yourself enough 'down' time (otherwise known as REST). Pain is your body's way of telling you it is not happy. It is your body's way of protecting itself. Listen to your body.

Here is my advice even though I know you aren't going to follow it because it is the opposite of what you want to hear:

1. get into psychotherapy. Both individual and couples. Even though you think you are retaining sanity, you aren't. You are totally insane.
2. stop running until you are no longer experiencing pain. Explore some cross-training that doesn't cause pain.
3. while taking a break from running, start strength-training and doing core work in a relaxed, regular, non-obsessive way.
4. with all exercise regimens, there should be rest days. Rest is a critical part of training. This period of self-repair is the very foundation of improvement.
5. put on one of those sparkly skirts and go have sex with your husband. That's why he's pissed off. Shit, if he has to tolerate you being a bitch, he should at least be getting laid for his trouble. And everyone knows that sparkly skirts look totally hot. 

And if you're still in pain after trying all of these ideas, it's probably gluten.

Sincerely,
MILF Runner

An Introduction

Hi. 

I'm MILF Runner, and this is my corner of the internet.

I know it's hard to get excited about yet another running mommy blog, but you'll want to follow this one. Add it to your reader, subscribe via email, follow on Twitter or Facebook – whatever works best for you. It will entertain, provoke thought, and sometimes make you uncomfortable. 

Who am I and what am I about? All in good time.

Let's explore this starting with my title: MILF Runner.

I'm not a member of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which leaves us with Mom I'd Like to Fuck.

Am I?

It's debatable.

But wouldn't we all like to be? I mean, isn't that what those sparkly skirts are for?